Sunday, 15 June 2014

What is Chemo Brain?




Frustration. Confusion. Sense of loss. Jumble.

Chemo brain chemo brain how I hate thee. Three and a half years into remission and I'm still suffering from Chemo Brain (Cognitive impairment) . It's made life quite difficult especially since I had a photographic memory. First months after chemo it was worse, I couldn't remember anything, including names of family members. It's improved a lot since those days but I'm still suffering.

Words get jumbled in my head, I think of a word but associate it with different meaning. I cannot remember anything I do after I do it. Mid-conversations I forget what I was talking about. Concentrating has become more difficult than ever. But the worst is the blanking, my mind goes completely blank, like a grey/white cloud descends upon it and I completely blank out. Becomes difficult to string words along for 10 seconds or so. I simple forget. I feel at a loss, I have no means of communication till the cloud lifts. Mental paralysis.

What I hate most is when people say 'oh yes I have memory problems too exactly like you're describing' NO YOU FUCKING DON'T because you haven't taken chemotherapy and it hasn't fried your brain and you don't suffer from Chemo Brain so shut the fuck up and go read a book or play memory enhancement games to improve your memory.

They say some survivors experience chemo brain worse than others, some completely recovery and some will permanently suffer .

So far, I'm still suffering.



Monday, 30 December 2013

Midnight Darkness




One of the things I hate I absolutely hate more than anything is blacking out. I'm a control freak, I need to be in control of myself and surroundings at all times or I lose my mind.

Going through those past difficult 4 years, I'v had many ups and downs. But the worst of the worst has to be blacking out. I hate it. I hate it. Last it happened couple weeks ago.

I feel it bubbling at my feet rising, spreading through my body, my temperature rises, and it's as if my insides are bubbling like a kettle and about to reach its boiling point. The closer it gets to the top of my head the dizzier I get, I scour to the nearest chair, wall, whatever to keep me from falling, but every single time I get caught standing in the hallway. Pounding in my ears is so loud I cannot hear a thing around, extremely fast spinning surroundings, burning up about to explode, suddenly I go blind and drop to the floor. I black out. I don't know how long I stay on the floor, all I feel, hear, see is that I'm spiraling down a deafening darkness. I hate it. I hate it so much. By then I've screamed at the top of my lungs awaking mother from her sleep for her to come and pick me up from the floor like a toddler falling after their first step..

I am forever in her debt..

Thursday, 21 November 2013

THREE!





اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
ربي لك الحمد حتى ترضى ولك الحمد اذا رضيت ولك الحمد بعد الرضى


On the 19th of Nov. I celebrated THREE years cancer free. I'm officially 3 years old!!

Even though I'm down with a fever and feeling quite shitty, still I'm beyond ecstatic and proud of myself for dealing with it all the way I did. This journey has changed me forever, rewrote my life, persona, and outlook on life.

Out of the hardest and toughest hardships I've learned my lessons, I'm grateful and proud of the person I've become (even though many dislike it).

Keep praying for all those fighting Cancer, for you cannot imagine in your wildest dreams how difficult it is.

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Survivor's Guilt




Guilt-ridden, that's how I feel. I feel guilty for being alive every time I hear a cancer fighter lost their life to this horrible disease. A beautiful soul died after fighting it and I feel guilty that she died when I survived.

Every survivor I know feels the same way, it's something imbedded in us, we survived, we're lucky, we've been through that hell, and we escaped it. But the lost souls didn't, by whatever logic or illogic we are at fault because we survived and they didn't.

What makes me so special? Why did I make it? Why couldn't she have made it instead of me? She has a child, that child will grow without a mother, doesn't she deserve to live more than I do?

I feel tainted with survival stench, I cheated death, I am alive, am I worth being given a second chance at life? Do I deserve it when so many fighters out their lose their lives to it on a daily basis?

I am guilty. Guilty to be lucky enough to have survived it..

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

My Life in Numbers





5th of February.

Or..

2nd of May.

We'll just have to wait and see.


(p.s. the above is a reminder to myself)

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

So It Begins.





A bland end to a very bland year (with the exception of couple events). It was undeniably boring, like your favorite dish without salt.

-Zero resolutions for 2013.
-Zero expectations.

My moto is ely eyee mn Allah 7ayah Allah.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with happiness, good health, and love.

Cheers darlings,
FourMe xx

Monday, 10 December 2012

The Good.





Every now and then I get a comment that truly makes me happy and makes my day. This post is for Lulu, as promised..

I thought the talk of finding the good in the bad was talk of the delusional. How can one find the good in a destructive situation?!

Surprisingly I have! Who thought any good would come out of Cancer?! But it did..

1. During that difficult time I made the most amazing and beautiful friends on the planet. Friends that I can call sisters, whom I'd give an arm, leg, and a thigh for. Not one, not two, but a dozen random wonderful friends, all of which were there for me during my time of need.

2. I am at the happiest point of my life. I've had some crazy happy times in the past but none can measure up to now, two years in remission, where I fully understand what happiness and contentment really is! I am happy.

3. Hey I'm a girl! Shocking I know!! But my entire life I wanted the full body beautiful hair, even though I had good hair before cancer, but it does not measure up to now. Now I have stunning thick hair that I absolutely love mashallah.

Out of the destructive Cancer and Chemotherapy the above was the result! And what a great result it is.

That is the Good the very very Good.

ـ {وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ}

Friday, 30 November 2012

The Hypocrite?





The minute the word Cancer is mentioned in a conversation people jump to say 'kafena eshar' or 'Allah ya7fithna'. This is the norm, before being diagnosed I used to say the exact same words at the mention of Cancer. It is without a doubt a plague that people feared.

Yet now, after having battled it, it feels like a dagger to the heart. Every time someone says 'kafena eshar' I feel a knife shoved in my heart and twisted in a thousand times over, I feel a pain in my heart and deep down in my stomach. I feel like an outcast. Like I'm tainted with the scarlet letter C imprinted on my chest. I became one of those people plagued with the disease and shone. I'm ashamed.

I know the intentions of those around me isn't to wound me or anyone with Cancer or survived it. But believe you me it hurts to hear such words, even if they're a prayer to God to protect from such a destructive illness.

Am I being a Hypocrite? I used to be one of those whom uttered such fears, yet now I hurt from them and wish never to hear.

Maybe this is a pointless plea, but, for those conversing about Cancer around ones whom survived or lost a loved one to it, kindly say your 'kafeena eshar and Allah ya7fithna' in your hearts and not for those around to hear, as take it from me they are burning daggers to our hearts and ears.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I Suffered. I Fought. I Survived.




اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

It takes a village to raise a child, but, it takes people on two continents to help one get cured from Cancer. It took the love and support of family, friends, and strangers on both continents to help get through it. Without their love and support I wouldn't have survived, chemo by itself wouldn't have done the job. I'm eternally indebted to those that stood by me during that time.

Fast forward 2 years, and here I am standing on my own feet (in heels) yesterday celebrating my 2 year Cancer-Free Remission Birthday! Yay me :D I was as happy and giddy as a two year old at their birthday! That's how I truly feel, not a 31 year old woman, but a baby, a two year old child, with possibilities of a lifetime.

I couldn't have done it without all the love, support, prayers that I got. Thank you to each and everyone of you x

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Happy Bun





It was one the happiest moments of my life.

If not, the second best moment.

It brought me utter joy.

Euphoria.

:)

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

So true!





"إذا حبتك عيني, ما ضامك الدهر"

Sunday, 16 September 2012

I'm there!





With every passing year I thought I was there, I was at the point of complete acceptance, understanding, and maturity. I knew I was born an old soul, not your average Jane, I knew it, I knew I was a tad different. Call it narcissism, vanity, or plain big "headedness" (if such word exists).

But I'm there finally at that point. At the point of knowing I'm a complete woman, figuratively speaking, at last I am. I'm proud of myself, proud of my ability to process what life throws at me, proud of my ability to fight for what I want/believe in, proud of my mentality and acceptance, proud of my flaws, proud of ability to assess and adjust, proud of my insanity. I'm my own proud mother!

Wait. I'll say it before you do, yes I'm up my own ass, but, to hell with it. How many of you are proud of yourselves and the person you've turned out to be? How many of you can say I turned out to be a decent human being with morals and values? Etc etc..

I am. Surely it doesn't make sense to you. But I'm damn proud of how I turned out to be. If I had a child I would love for them to turn out just like I have. Its acceptance of oneself that makes you see the world with clearer vision. I'm surrounded by many that haven't crossed that threshold yet, it saddens me that they haven't shined, flourished, and grown even though the years have.

Realization leads to inner peace.
And that is priceless!

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Funnies.

Some of the funniest pictures I found on Instagram.




Yes we do.


Volume 1, 2, & 3.


Yup.


Already knew.


Epic!!


More than 3.


My fave.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Tempted.


157 is on my mind.

Tempted.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Hal Ehlala





Mbarak 3alaikom eshahar o kil 3am wintaw bkhair.. Alf il7amdillah darat 3alaina esena o rad hal 3alaina hlal eshahar elfatheel. This is the best time of the year, the time to be kind, generous, loving, giving, forgiving, and religious above all. My heart breaks for not being able to fast this year as well ;( I'm beyond sad bs la 7awla wla quwa :(

Please pray for all those whom are sick across the world, especially those with Cancer.

May you all have a blessed Ramadan,

FourMe


Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Die Fone Die




Death to phones. ALL PHONES! 2 weeks ago my beloved Blackberry decided to freeze and go insane on me along with losing all my 570 contacts!! I had couple of heart attacks along with a handful of rage episodes. No it refused to backup hence all my other setting etc have been lost! Yes FML To eternity and back. Got a replacement, the latest Bold and it sucked BIG time, went back to the 9900 even though shitty shit phone. If only iPhone comes with buttons!

Ashamed to admit it but I like the iPhone now. But still back to BB. Oh if that isn't annoying enough, I had to switch providers cuz mine is just shit. Another headache. Hours upon hours with sales people and trying to do the switchover and all that shite.

Technology will be the death of me.. But thankfully I'm finally back on track with working phones, and somehow by the power of mermaids I got my contact list back.

What's wrong with pigeons?! Why can't we use them instead of all this crap!

- And you just wasted a minute of your life reading absolute bullshit. My deepest sympathies to you-

Crushing Bad.




I'm crushing. And I'm crushing bad! No scratch that. I'm in love with the character Harvey Specter of Suits, played by Gabriel Macht.

Sighhhhhhhhh.. Yes I'm sighing like a friggin teenager that's got the hots for her English Lit sub. teacher.

I want Harvey! All to myself and not to share. He's my only crush since Pitbull. Fuck I've got an odd taste in men.

It's his character that's got to me, intelligence, assertiveness, and cocky personality. Sighhhhh. Everything I love in a man..

Suits is a must watch show if you're into lawyers and the lot.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Will You Speak?




Silence

silence is the deepest cut
silence is the thing that makes you nuts
silence is the thing that'll make you cry
silence is the thing that makes the noise die

silence is a world at peace
silence is your outer fliece
silence is the door that's closed
silence is something that God will
always know

silence is what lifes about
silence is the thing you do when you pout
im gonna tell you something dear
silence is my biggest fear

-Erica German

Saturday, 30 June 2012

i'm THE Man!




The anger management therapist I'm seeing suggests I talk more. I don't know about what exactly, but ya sure talk more.

So far I've been officially diagnosed with -

-OCD

-Puritanical Perfectionism

- And last but not least I process my anger like Men!!

Basically only a small number of women process their anger like men and I'm one of the chosen one's!

God I'm so rare!

Meaning I skip stages of frustration and hit from 0- 100 straight away.. Blah blah I can't be bothered to explain it further.

I'm learning more things about myself with these sessions, though I don't see it helping my anger in any way. I'm still very much short fused.

It's a vicious cycle, when I get angry I go on Repeat like an iPod!

Must learn how to break out of it.

But after 31 years, I don't see it happening.

Oh well this is Me, messed up, fucked up, and amazingly perfectly damaged.