Monday, 22 May 2017

The Beauty In It All

Collateral Beauty. A beautiful movie so well made, it's despair, sadness, loss and suffering wrapped in a bundle. It talks of time, death and love. 

We've all lost. Whether it's people or parts of ourselves. Do we ever get over that loss? A loss so great that it imprints on your soul till the end of time. Shall we brush it under the rug or bury it in the depth of our minds and go on living? What do you do when that loss pops up in your mind and remind you of what is not there anymore? Do you bury it again? Or do you pray time makes you forget what you've lost? What do you do when you've lost your life? 

You hear time heals all wounds. Does it really? Or do we just live and pile on the memories and bury our loss? What do you do when time doesn't heal your loss or doesn't mend your broken body? 

Love yourself? Is that what we're meant to do? How can you love a piece you lost that you cannot forget which time won't heal? How can you love broken? 

At this point do you step back and appreciate the pain of it all? The collateral beauty of your life and your loss. Do you detach yourself from your own situation and look at the grand picture? 

What if there is no beauty in your collateral beauty? 

What if the beauty that came out of it all benefits everyone around you except you? Do you set yourself aside so others can bask in it? Do you stay in the darkness so others enjoy the light? 

But there are moments when you see the beauty of the situation and you bask in it yourself but then it's gone. What do you do then? Retrieve into the darkness and morn your loss? 

Till when? Till when is it okay to morn if time is on your side and you have it? Aren't you wasting precious time then? 

It's a viscous circle and you can only break out of it when you love the mess that it has caused, to appreciate what has been lost and what has been gained even if it isn't worth what was lost.  

Maybe the only way forward is to appreciate the lessons you were taught.. 

To live and hope one day to see the beauty behind it all.. 

Thursday, 19 November 2015


I've reached a milestone in this exhausting journey from hell. I've reached FIVE years cancer FREE! Albeit it's been five years from hell to the road of recovery but I've made it. Alf il7amdillah.

As happy as I am today as sad as I am. The memories I have will haunt me for the rest of my life. I cannot nor will I ever forget. This journey has changed me so much. I'm a new person whether I like it or not, physically, emotionally and mentally I am Five years old. My body was reborn and so was I.

I remember it like yesterday..I remember my first session of chemotherapy, first of twelve. I remember entering a huge ward that had many recliner chairs with patients in them and nurses next to them. I remember the sound, beeping machines nonstop, I remember thinking at that moment I won't die from the cancer but I'll die from the noise, I remember thinking of smashing every beeping machine because I can't tolerate noise. I chose a chair that was the furthest away from everyone in the corner. I remember everyone staring at me the minute I entered like I was the new kid in school. I remember seeing the pity in their eyes. I remember some had hair some didn't, some looked normal some didn't but I remember they all looked like statues, unmoving with their bodies hooked to machines.

I remember I settled into my chair, tucked my legs under me and gave my arms to my assigned nurse, I continuously kept touching my hair as I recently cut off three quarters of its length off. I remember the nurse talking me through the steps of what pre medications she'll administer and then followed by the four types of chemotherapy. I remember having this thought of not knowing what will happen once chemo enters my blood stream. I remember thinking will it instantly sicken me.

I remember putting in my headphones and playing Sorat Albaqara because I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without God's help. I remember needing all the strength I could get because I felt like a lost child.

It began. I sat in that chair for over two hours, I remember the beeping was driving me mad. I remember looking to my left and seeing a man in his 30s with his arm hooked to a machine whilst he was on his laptop and his bicycle next to him. I remember thinking that's the oddest thing you would expect in a Day Care Unit. I remember he kept looking at me throughout my stay. I didn't know why but I guess it was a mixture of sadness that we both looked so young to be going through this shit.

I remember one memory that till this day rips my heart open every time it crosses my mind. I remember I looked to my right and I saw my mother sitting next to me crying and reading Quran. I remember that I felt more pain for this woman than I did or have felt till this day. I remember feeling so bad for her that she's sitting next to her dying only child so helpless and unable to do a single thing to soothe me. It killed me, it tortured me more than the poison that was entering my veins. I remember vowing I will never let her sit with me again for the remaining 11 sessions. And I never did.

Five years on..

I made it to safety.

I was reborn on the 19th of November 2010.

I have reached my Five year cancer free anniversary..

Happy FIFTH birthday to me..

Monday, 13 July 2015

Pain! Pain! Pain!!!

Pain. I've tolerated every level of pain. I've been living with pain. In pain.

I've been taught to accept pain.

To tolerate pain.

To feel immense pain yet disconnect my mind from pain.

I know how to and when to numb pain.

It's chronic pain.



Sometimes, like this instant exactly I want to scream off of the top of my lungs!




It hurts so bad. It's not only ripping through my flesh but through my soul.

It's so painful. It's like a dagger twisting in my heart and slashing through my flesh from head to toe.

I'm in PAIN!

Saturday, 25 April 2015


Sometimes it takes a person that doesn't know you inside and out to point out what you really are. How you see your world. How you react. How you feel. How you analyse. How you respond. How and what makes you tick..

My anger issues are well known and documented in this little haven of mine. I've previously attended two anger management courses that helped but as always didn't make me any calmer, so I started my 3rd.

My therapist said I'm a Robot.

And after a lot of pondering I believe I am. Maybe it's the OCD or maybe it's the control freak in me. Who knows what makes me a robot but I most definitely am one.

In my head everything should work based on a sequence. 1. 2.. 3... I don't do 4. 9. 1. This will drive me mental. I need things to work the way they're meant to work, to follow a pattern, to stick to the plan and to be controlled.

Life is messy. I can't stand messy. I can't stand chaos, though it attracts me because I have the urge and need to fix it and put it back on the right track, the right course that I see in my head.

Chaos drives me crazy. I need stability. I need containment. I need.. I don't know what I need.

I need to lose it all.
I need to let it all fall.
I need for it to shatter whilst I sit on the edge looking at it without righting it.

I need to become a human who makes mistakes without chastising herself till the end of time..

I need to let the robot in me die and the chaotic insane human rise..

Saturday, 10 January 2015


Guilt.. Gut wrenching soul ripping guilt. Guilt like I took something that doesn't belong to me. I stole it and I'm living it. Life, I stole life. That's how I feel every time I hear a person lost their life to Cancer. Neighbor's father passed away in London and all I feel is Guilt.

I survived. He died. I stole an other life. That's how I feel and no amount of talk can change it. I know he's destined to die and I'm destined to survive and no one has a say in it apart from God.

But I cannot help it. I feel guilty. Guilt is ripping through me. I'm being irrational.. I know. But I'm shamed with guilt.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

What is Chemo Brain?

Frustration. Confusion. Sense of loss. Jumble.

Chemo brain chemo brain how I hate thee. Three and a half years into remission and I'm still suffering from Chemo Brain (Cognitive impairment) . It's made life quite difficult especially since I had a photographic memory. First months after chemo it was worse, I couldn't remember anything, including names of family members. It's improved a lot since those days but I'm still suffering.

Words get jumbled in my head, I think of a word but associate it with different meaning. I cannot remember anything I do after I do it. Mid-conversations I forget what I was talking about. Concentrating has become more difficult than ever. But the worst is the blanking, my mind goes completely blank, like a grey/white cloud descends upon it and I completely blank out. Becomes difficult to string words along for 10 seconds or so. I simple forget. I feel at a loss, I have no means of communication till the cloud lifts. Mental paralysis.

What I hate most is when people say 'oh yes I have memory problems too exactly like you're describing' NO YOU FUCKING DON'T because you haven't taken chemotherapy and it hasn't fried your brain and you don't suffer from Chemo Brain so shut the fuck up and go read a book or play memory enhancement games to improve your memory.

They say some survivors experience chemo brain worse than others, some completely recovery and some will permanently suffer .

So far, I'm still suffering.

Monday, 30 December 2013

Midnight Darkness

One of the things I hate I absolutely hate more than anything is blacking out. I'm a control freak, I need to be in control of myself and surroundings at all times or I lose my mind.

Going through those past difficult 4 years, I'v had many ups and downs. But the worst of the worst has to be blacking out. I hate it. I hate it. Last it happened couple weeks ago.

I feel it bubbling at my feet rising, spreading through my body, my temperature rises, and it's as if my insides are bubbling like a kettle and about to reach its boiling point. The closer it gets to the top of my head the dizzier I get, I scour to the nearest chair, wall, whatever to keep me from falling, but every single time I get caught standing in the hallway. Pounding in my ears is so loud I cannot hear a thing around, extremely fast spinning surroundings, burning up about to explode, suddenly I go blind and drop to the floor. I black out. I don't know how long I stay on the floor, all I feel, hear, see is that I'm spiraling down a deafening darkness. I hate it. I hate it so much. By then I've screamed at the top of my lungs awaking mother from her sleep for her to come and pick me up from the floor like a toddler falling after their first step..

I am forever in her debt..

Thursday, 21 November 2013


اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
ربي لك الحمد حتى ترضى ولك الحمد اذا رضيت ولك الحمد بعد الرضى

On the 19th of Nov. I celebrated THREE years cancer free. I'm officially 3 years old!!

Even though I'm down with a fever and feeling quite shitty, still I'm beyond ecstatic and proud of myself for dealing with it all the way I did. This journey has changed me forever, rewrote my life, persona, and outlook on life.

Out of the hardest and toughest hardships I've learned my lessons, I'm grateful and proud of the person I've become (even though many dislike it).

Keep praying for all those fighting Cancer, for you cannot imagine in your wildest dreams how difficult it is.

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Survivor's Guilt

Guilt-ridden, that's how I feel. I feel guilty for being alive every time I hear a cancer fighter lost their life to this horrible disease. A beautiful soul died after fighting it and I feel guilty that she died when I survived.

Every survivor I know feels the same way, it's something imbedded in us, we survived, we're lucky, we've been through that hell, and we escaped it. But the lost souls didn't, by whatever logic or illogic we are at fault because we survived and they didn't.

What makes me so special? Why did I make it? Why couldn't she have made it instead of me? She has a child, that child will grow without a mother, doesn't she deserve to live more than I do?

I feel tainted with survival stench, I cheated death, I am alive, am I worth being given a second chance at life? Do I deserve it when so many fighters out their lose their lives to it on a daily basis?

I am guilty. Guilty to be lucky enough to have survived it..

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

My Life in Numbers

5th of February.


2nd of May.

We'll just have to wait and see.

(p.s. the above is a reminder to myself)

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

So It Begins.

A bland end to a very bland year (with the exception of couple events). It was undeniably boring, like your favorite dish without salt.

-Zero resolutions for 2013.
-Zero expectations.

My moto is ely eyee mn Allah 7ayah Allah.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year filled with happiness, good health, and love.

Cheers darlings,
FourMe xx

Monday, 10 December 2012

The Good.

Every now and then I get a comment that truly makes me happy and makes my day. This post is for Lulu, as promised..

I thought the talk of finding the good in the bad was talk of the delusional. How can one find the good in a destructive situation?!

Surprisingly I have! Who thought any good would come out of Cancer?! But it did..

1. During that difficult time I made the most amazing and beautiful friends on the planet. Friends that I can call sisters, whom I'd give an arm, leg, and a thigh for. Not one, not two, but a dozen random wonderful friends, all of which were there for me during my time of need.

2. I am at the happiest point of my life. I've had some crazy happy times in the past but none can measure up to now, two years in remission, where I fully understand what happiness and contentment really is! I am happy.

3. Hey I'm a girl! Shocking I know!! But my entire life I wanted the full body beautiful hair, even though I had good hair before cancer, but it does not measure up to now. Now I have stunning thick hair that I absolutely love mashallah.

Out of the destructive Cancer and Chemotherapy the above was the result! And what a great result it is.

That is the Good the very very Good.

ـ {وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ}

Friday, 30 November 2012

The Hypocrite?

The minute the word Cancer is mentioned in a conversation people jump to say 'kafena eshar' or 'Allah ya7fithna'. This is the norm, before being diagnosed I used to say the exact same words at the mention of Cancer. It is without a doubt a plague that people feared.

Yet now, after having battled it, it feels like a dagger to the heart. Every time someone says 'kafena eshar' I feel a knife shoved in my heart and twisted in a thousand times over, I feel a pain in my heart and deep down in my stomach. I feel like an outcast. Like I'm tainted with the scarlet letter C imprinted on my chest. I became one of those people plagued with the disease and shone. I'm ashamed.

I know the intentions of those around me isn't to wound me or anyone with Cancer or survived it. But believe you me it hurts to hear such words, even if they're a prayer to God to protect from such a destructive illness.

Am I being a Hypocrite? I used to be one of those whom uttered such fears, yet now I hurt from them and wish never to hear.

Maybe this is a pointless plea, but, for those conversing about Cancer around ones whom survived or lost a loved one to it, kindly say your 'kafeena eshar and Allah ya7fithna' in your hearts and not for those around to hear, as take it from me they are burning daggers to our hearts and ears.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I Suffered. I Fought. I Survived.

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

It takes a village to raise a child, but, it takes people on two continents to help one get cured from Cancer. It took the love and support of family, friends, and strangers on both continents to help get through it. Without their love and support I wouldn't have survived, chemo by itself wouldn't have done the job. I'm eternally indebted to those that stood by me during that time.

Fast forward 2 years, and here I am standing on my own feet (in heels) yesterday celebrating my 2 year Cancer-Free Remission Birthday! Yay me :D I was as happy and giddy as a two year old at their birthday! That's how I truly feel, not a 31 year old woman, but a baby, a two year old child, with possibilities of a lifetime.

I couldn't have done it without all the love, support, prayers that I got. Thank you to each and everyone of you x

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Happy Bun

It was one the happiest moments of my life.

If not, the second best moment.

It brought me utter joy.



Wednesday, 26 September 2012

So true!

"إذا حبتك عيني, ما ضامك الدهر"

Sunday, 16 September 2012

I'm there!

With every passing year I thought I was there, I was at the point of complete acceptance, understanding, and maturity. I knew I was born an old soul, not your average Jane, I knew it, I knew I was a tad different. Call it narcissism, vanity, or plain big "headedness" (if such word exists).

But I'm there finally at that point. At the point of knowing I'm a complete woman, figuratively speaking, at last I am. I'm proud of myself, proud of my ability to process what life throws at me, proud of my ability to fight for what I want/believe in, proud of my mentality and acceptance, proud of my flaws, proud of ability to assess and adjust, proud of my insanity. I'm my own proud mother!

Wait. I'll say it before you do, yes I'm up my own ass, but, to hell with it. How many of you are proud of yourselves and the person you've turned out to be? How many of you can say I turned out to be a decent human being with morals and values? Etc etc..

I am. Surely it doesn't make sense to you. But I'm damn proud of how I turned out to be. If I had a child I would love for them to turn out just like I have. Its acceptance of oneself that makes you see the world with clearer vision. I'm surrounded by many that haven't crossed that threshold yet, it saddens me that they haven't shined, flourished, and grown even though the years have.

Realization leads to inner peace.
And that is priceless!

Sunday, 5 August 2012


Some of the funniest pictures I found on Instagram.

Yes we do.

Volume 1, 2, & 3.


Already knew.


More than 3.

My fave.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012


157 is on my mind.