Frustration. Confusion. Sense of loss. Jumble.
Chemo brain chemo brain how I hate thee. Three and a half years into remission and I'm still suffering from Chemo Brain (Cognitive impairment) . It's made life quite difficult especially since I had a photographic memory. First months after chemo it was worse, I couldn't remember anything, including names of family members. It's improved a lot since those days but I'm still suffering.
Words get jumbled in my head, I think of a word but associate it with different meaning. I cannot remember anything I do after I do it. Mid-conversations I forget what I was talking about. Concentrating has become more difficult than ever. But the worst is the blanking, my mind goes completely blank, like a grey/white cloud descends upon it and I completely blank out. Becomes difficult to string words along for 10 seconds or so. I simple forget. I feel at a loss, I have no means of communication till the cloud lifts. Mental paralysis.
What I hate most is when people say 'oh yes I have memory problems too exactly like you're describing' NO YOU FUCKING DON'T because you haven't taken chemotherapy and it hasn't fried your brain and you don't suffer from Chemo Brain so shut the fuck up and go read a book or play memory enhancement games to improve your memory.
They say some survivors experience chemo brain worse than others, some completely recovery and some will permanently suffer .
So far, I'm still suffering.