Thursday, 19 November 2015


I've reached a milestone in this exhausting journey from hell. I've reached FIVE years cancer FREE! Albeit it's been five years from hell to the road of recovery but I've made it. Alf il7amdillah.

As happy as I am today as sad as I am. The memories I have will haunt me for the rest of my life. I cannot nor will I ever forget. This journey has changed me so much. I'm a new person whether I like it or not, physically, emotionally and mentally I am Five years old. My body was reborn and so was I.

I remember it like yesterday..I remember my first session of chemotherapy, first of twelve. I remember entering a huge ward that had many recliner chairs with patients in them and nurses next to them. I remember the sound, beeping machines nonstop, I remember thinking at that moment I won't die from the cancer but I'll die from the noise, I remember thinking of smashing every beeping machine because I can't tolerate noise. I chose a chair that was the furthest away from everyone in the corner. I remember everyone staring at me the minute I entered like I was the new kid in school. I remember seeing the pity in their eyes. I remember some had hair some didn't, some looked normal some didn't but I remember they all looked like statues, unmoving with their bodies hooked to machines.

I remember I settled into my chair, tucked my legs under me and gave my arms to my assigned nurse, I continuously kept touching my hair as I recently cut off three quarters of its length off. I remember the nurse talking me through the steps of what pre medications she'll administer and then followed by the four types of chemotherapy. I remember having this thought of not knowing what will happen once chemo enters my blood stream. I remember thinking will it instantly sicken me.

I remember putting in my headphones and playing Sorat Albaqara because I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without God's help. I remember needing all the strength I could get because I felt like a lost child.

It began. I sat in that chair for over two hours, I remember the beeping was driving me mad. I remember looking to my left and seeing a man in his 30s with his arm hooked to a machine whilst he was on his laptop and his bicycle next to him. I remember thinking that's the oddest thing you would expect in a Day Care Unit. I remember he kept looking at me throughout my stay. I didn't know why but I guess it was a mixture of sadness that we both looked so young to be going through this shit.

I remember one memory that till this day rips my heart open every time it crosses my mind. I remember I looked to my right and I saw my mother sitting next to me crying and reading Quran. I remember that I felt more pain for this woman than I did or have felt till this day. I remember feeling so bad for her that she's sitting next to her dying only child so helpless and unable to do a single thing to soothe me. It killed me, it tortured me more than the poison that was entering my veins. I remember vowing I will never let her sit with me again for the remaining 11 sessions. And I never did.

Five years on..

I made it to safety.

I was reborn on the 19th of November 2010.

I have reached my Five year cancer free anniversary..

Happy FIFTH birthday to me..


Jacqui said...

Happy Fifth Love and may you have many more cancer free birthdays to come!

Unknown said...

ماشاءالله الله يتمم لك الصحة
Today I was diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkines lymphoma, in two weeks I'm going to NY to start my treatment. Your blog helped me to understand the disease and gave me strength to start the battle. Thank you