A year ago today, I had my 12th and final chemotherapy session. A month after it I was told I was cancer free. All is good, right? No! Set aside that it has been a very difficult year, as road to recovery is extremely difficult. From every 3 month checks to hospitalisation to procedures to pains and aches etc etc etc..
I had a scheduled appointment for the 4th of November, my 1st 3 month check into my 1st year of Remission and marking my 1 year anniversary. But as always, I'm experiencing some pains and problems and will go in to see the oncologists next week.
I freaked out, I've been poking and prodding my body for lymph nodes/lumps/tumours. I thought I'd hit my 1st year anniversary and it would get easier but apparently not! Till the last days of it I have to worry and freak out that I've had a relapse.
Feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen. A ticking bomb about to explode. A nightmare about to unfold. Yes yesss I KNOW be optimistic, don't worry, you're fine, blah blah all the healthy 'normal' people talk. I CANNOT help but worry! My wound is fresh, my pain is painful, my scars haven't healed, my memory is so vivid that I remember every aching moment of my excruciating journey.
I don't want to walk that road again. I don't want to fight for my right to live. I don't want to receive poison in order to save me. I don't want to lose my new hair. I don't want to die..
19 October 2010 I walked in to take my 12th poisonous chemotherapy session.
19 October 2011 in my bed worrying that I have cancer again as symptoms are hitting me left and right!
Maybe its just my body gone haywire. Maybe its nothing. Maybe just maybe next week I will be told I'm still Cancer free and will hit the 19th of November a champion that defeated Stage 4B!
Such a blessing to be alive. Yet such torture I must face with Cancer dangling over my head.
But then again Allah 3a6a w Allah khatha.. He gave me my health and he can take it back any second. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..