So its day 50 since first chemo session.. Time is passing.. I'm coping, or learning to cope in every way possible.. The physical the mental its a struggle but now its become the norm.. Being sick and being in and out of hospital has become my life and journey for the time being and INSHALLAH it won't be for much longer.. I truly don't remember what life is outside home and hospitals and just thinking of the day they say I am in remission and cured from cancer.. This is not the point of this post.. Point is I truly believe I brought cancer onto myself.. I suppressed SO MUCH anger and sadness in me throughout the years and my life since childhood that I weakened my body to such an extant that it became so weak it started attacking itself..
I've held on to so much sadness and pain from such a young age till this day.. I never speak about my problems, I carry my own burdens, I don't open up, I poisoned my body with sadness over pathetic things.. For years and yearssssssssssss I did that.. I thought it was a sign of strength to just keep my mouth shut and take it while standing and bottle it up! No that was the biggest mistake of my life.. I weakened me with every sad thought, every tear, every suppressed memory.. I ruined me.. For years and years I have truly destroyed myself.. I tortured myself over the past over things that cannot be changed.. I dwelled and dwelled and dwelled over my past and forgot to live the present and in the process weakened myself so much till I literally lost all control over myself.. I asked every doctor there is and searched every article for the cause of my cancer and the answer is always the same, no answer except a weak immune system... I weakened me.. That is it.. I ruined me..
And today!! From this day onwards I'm LETTING GO of every sad moment of my life, every sad memory, every grudge, everything in the past.. Its a new start.. A clean state.. I want NOTHING of the old in me.. I will deal with life with an absolute and complete new slate.. I am a new born.. I have no past.. I have a future.. I have a present... I will live my days as they come NOT as they went.. I will NOT poison me anymore.. I will not torture me anymore.. I WILL NOT HURT ME ANYMORE.. I am precious.. I am alive and I will appreciate what comes without looking back ever again inshallah.. I wish you all a new start :)