Saturday, 3 July 2010

Day 50!

So its day 50 since first chemo session.. Time is passing.. I'm coping, or learning to cope in every way possible.. The physical the mental its a struggle but now its become the norm.. Being sick and being in and out of hospital has become my life and journey for the time being and INSHALLAH it won't be for much longer.. I truly don't remember what life is outside home and hospitals and just thinking of the day they say I am in remission and cured from cancer.. This is not the point of this post.. Point is I truly believe I brought cancer onto myself.. I suppressed SO MUCH anger and sadness in me throughout the years and my life since childhood that I weakened my body to such an extant that it became so weak it started attacking itself..

I've held on to so much sadness and pain from such a young age till this day.. I never speak about my problems, I carry my own burdens, I don't open up, I poisoned my body with sadness over pathetic things.. For years and yearssssssssssss I did that.. I thought it was a sign of strength to just keep my mouth shut and take it while standing and bottle it up! No that was the biggest mistake of my life.. I weakened me with every sad thought, every tear, every suppressed memory.. I ruined me.. For years and years I have truly destroyed myself.. I tortured myself over the past over things that cannot be changed.. I dwelled and dwelled and dwelled over my past and forgot to live the present and in the process weakened myself so much till I literally lost all control over myself.. I asked every doctor there is and searched every article for the cause of my cancer and the answer is always the same, no answer except a weak immune system... I weakened me.. That is it.. I ruined me..

And today!! From this day onwards I'm LETTING GO of every sad moment of my life, every sad memory, every grudge, everything in the past.. Its a new start.. A clean state.. I want NOTHING of the old in me.. I will deal with life with an absolute and complete new slate.. I am a new born.. I have no past.. I have a future.. I have a present... I will live my days as they come NOT as they went.. I will NOT poison me anymore.. I will not torture me anymore.. I WILL NOT HURT ME ANYMORE.. I am precious.. I am alive and I will appreciate what comes without looking back ever again inshallah.. I wish you all a new start :)


noora said...

would you mind if i had the 2nd part framed in my room ?
i loved it ... this is what growing and rising above is about :) allah ehaneech, a beautiful mind indeed

this is qatha2 allah o0 qadarah, il7imdella 3ala kil 7al o0 la baas 6hor in sha2 allah :)

q8othug said...

your post made me pause and think

i too do the same. i tend to harbor my emotions and sadness: take people's problem on my shoulder on top of my own. i always thought that what great leaders do. maybe its true. maybe im not cut out to be one...

once again i applaud your courage, not only how your dealing with this nightmare but how to deal with your past. i could only wish to do the same

*virtual hug*

Well Wisher said...

Absolutely loved this post! This is amazing of you to do so, it's much more easier to live life without carrying any negative feelings around.. And whatever comes your way, you deal with it then and there without allowing any baggage to build up..

Congratulations on reaching this level of realization, we should all be inspired to do the same :)

Allah ya36eech il9e7a wil3afya ou yikhaley ayamich kiliha sa3eedah ou ya36eech ra7at baal

Anony said...



wesh tha elethee 3eeni teshoofa!


weeen soull tegraa weeeeenhaaa ya far7aat galbhaa belii maktoooooooooooooooob :D :D :D

i am happy

i dont know why ,, but i know i am happy for having you in my life!

Anonymous said...

I guess my job is done.

Take care, keep well and God bless.

My guess is you won't hear from me :)

- You know who

WhySoSerious said...

The New FourMe!! This is what I was trying to tell you but you exceeded my expectation ,, I think i can not be strong like the way you are :)

Dear Fourme

It's rare to find some one like you

It's hard to be like FourMe

I don't know what 2 say or Do

but one thing I wanna be

I wish I can be next 2 you

holding the hand of amazing 4mE

I know it's hard to make it true

a Dream I want it in real

Thanks FourYou for Being stronger than anyone including me :]

special song for you just double click on mE And I hope you gonna enjoy it ;]

Anonymous said...

I'v been readung your blog for years and today i felt like commenting :)

Happy New Start *hug*


Glitter said...

What a post :)!!

What a change in attitude ;) !!

Loved it wayed o loved you for writing it :*

u're an inspiration, and i'm smiling :)

Sending lots of love and more prayers your way.


PaLoMiNo said...




Lovvveeee you

*bear huggggg*

Anony said...

"you know who"

piss off!

Anonymous said...

I hope you get back on your feet soon :-D You are strong, so keep strong!

Ajr o 3afiaa

Hope said...

e.Salam 3laikom
gotta say that I'm really proud of u
it takes a lot of guts to do this, 2 throw the past behind u & look up 2 the future
that's the spirit =] so keep it up Sis
Allah YeShafeech o Y3afeech o ymen 3laich be9e7a o el.3afyah

doona said...

beautiful post!
beautiful change|!
beautiful attitude :)

its great to hear this coming out of you!

3asa allah ywafgich oo yshafeech oo y3afeech ya rab!

ps: 2 months down already! ma buiga shay b2ethn rabbich! ;**

Lisa Junginger said...

You are amazing, to learn something so important at a young age. You are in my prayers - Lisa

moi said...

*claps til hands turn red* inspiring post, thank you I'm crying lol I've no idea why.

wet knickers said...

ure positivity is inspiring..
thank you

Raaf said...

I love this post.