Monday, 5 July 2010

iConfess

It's time to confess..

Nothing phases me anymore.. You could tell me your world is falling apart, you're sick, your house is on fire, you lost a limb, or gone deaf, dumb, and blind.. All you'll get out of me is "Oh really! Am so sorry. I hope it gets better soon"..

Have I gone cold? I have no compassion.. I don't know what it is but I just could not care less.. Nothing anyone can tell me could sound like a catastrophe anymore or make me flinch.. Its like it goes through one ear and out of the other :/ I don't like it but that's how I feel.. I can't feel sorry for people no matter how bad their situation is!! When am told this and that is going on all I can think to myself is DEAL WITH IT!

Is it selfishness? Is it cancer? Is it the medical hell I've been going through for over a year now? Am I numb from medication? Is it the chemo? Or have I just been through MORE than enough that I've reached a point where I really do not give a damn anymore? I honestly don't know.. But my guess its the cancer.. Really how much more can you get fucked than getting cancer and having to deal with it? Yaa I don't know I just don't care anymore.. I feel bad that I don't care but at the same time I really couldn't give a fuck :/

I feel like a bad person for being and feeling in such manner but that's just the way it is.. And how I am for the time being.. So ya that's just me..

Anyone got anything to confess??
If so knock yourselves out!
Would love to hear anything not related to me for a change :/

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On a different note, tomorrow is my CT Scan.. I've been looking forward to it since the first day of chemo :( This scan will show if so far my body INSHALLAH has responded to the 4 chemo's I had and if so I will stay on same chemo for another 4 chemo's and then get scanned again, and if still responding INSHALLAH I finish the 12 and scanned a final time and be CLEARED of the damned disease..

Alah la ygol if my body is being a stubborn bitch and hasn't responded GOD FORBID they will give me more intense chemo every 3 days or something of the sort!! So please please please ed3ooly that I've responded to chemo.. I will get the result of the scan on 13/7 !! Dunno how am gona wait that long :/

17 comments:

Anony said...

<3

Anony said...

@@

Anony said...

le3yoonik a9oogh al3ebar o wdaadik fe dami 3ebaar <3

Hope said...

My heart goes out 4 u Sis
InShallah 5air.. InShallah this thing is gonna B over soon

Well Wisher said...

Inshallah Allah Kareem witchoofeen niteejat kil ilta3ab ily maraity feeh and get an awesome report back ya rab! Inshallah your body responded to it more than they expected ya rab..

About the confession, don't worry I guess it's because you've been through so much that nothing phases you out anymore.. Inshallah when you feel better your feelings will come back.. It might be a way of protecting yourself too, ina ma tigdireen iti7amilain foog ily ga3da itmureen feeh, so you just shut it out..

Allah ywafgich bacher inshallah, hope ma tit3ibeen winty itsaween ilscan, I've heard it can be tiring a little.. All the best!

Journal Entries said...

ur in my prayers ;*

Lulu said...

ma3thooraaa of course u feel that way, if i were u chan nafs el 7ala.. its the fact that whatever theyre complaining about cant come close to what ur dealing with so u have no compassion for it.. u dont have to feel bad for anything, rakzay 3ala nafsech and for the time being u shouldnt care elss about anyone else.. inshalah bad3eelech as always alah yshafeech w hopefully the mess ur body's putting thru means its just responding that well to cancer;*
- cat eyezz

Touché said...

I feel you'll have great news, Go bless you girl.

Standy said...

inshallah nothing but great news will come your way..

sweetd said...

Hey Fourme!

I pray that you will live through this and fight this cancer!! You are a strong woman and I am here to support u always!! So inshallah you will succeed :)

You are just a huge source of positive energy to all of us!!

Faith said...

Sweetheart you’re in some many peoples’ prayers :* :*
Be selfish and get numb so what.. inshallla soon everything will be fine and your nightmare will be just a bad memory.

Smart CoOKie said...

I totally understand. You are not a bad person. You just had enough.

INSHALLAH your body responded <3

Anony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ghalya AlDhafiri said...

I confess I survived breast cancer.. :) AND I confess I started an "I Confess..." campaign myself.. here.. check it out: http://ghalya-aldhafiri.blogspot.com/p/i-confess.html

doona said...

i confess that i miss you ;*

Anonymous said...

I think I've become an alcoholic.

I confess..

q8othug said...

Ehda2 :

http://theinternetaccordingtoadrian.tumblr.com/post/782291909/best-part-that-aint-no-po-po-2-05