Ugly Duckling

Once upon a time I was considered beautiful. Not being shallow here but facts are facts, not Megan Fox Angelina Jolie beauty but just enough good mixture in me to be considered pretty and turn heads..

Now not only do I feel ugly but I look it. Don't think I'm being silly here and being sad about my looks. No. Really my health is gone, my looks are the least of my worries. I'm just stating a change that I'm going through so Inshallah one day when I'm cured I can look back at these posts and remember the hell and change I went through in every aspect.

Obviously I've dropped in weight and to begin with I was already thin, so you can just imagine. Under my eyes have turned a pasty yellowy colour and started to go in, lack of sleep I guess, I sleep only 4 hours a day (chemo effect). My cheeks have gone in. My skin is as pale as fuck. I look ill. Zero fat on my body. Boobs have shrunk and sagged. Basically I look like an anorexic model. With shitty thinning short ugly hair.

Its funny how before (healthy days) people would stare because of looks and admiring one thing or the other in me. Now when they see me I can see it in their eyes they look because they can see I'm sick and probably just trying to figure out what I have. I can see a look of pity in peoples faces when they look at me. Its probably because I look much younger than my age and they just feel sad for me. It hurts, like a stab to the heart when I catch someone looking at me that way. I HATE pity yet I see it in strangers faces when they see me. Funny how can the looks of admiration turn to pity. Just shows nothing stays the same forever.

Even when I go to the hospital other cancer patients just keep staring at me, I thought I was imagining it till mother pointed it out. She said its probably because the majority are all in their 60s and you're one of few who look more tired than them and so young in comparison.

I can't stand the way I look, I'm look weak and I feel even weaker. I look tired and I'm exhausted. I look ill but in fact I'm dead on the inside. I looked at my face yesterday for a minute, no I actually stared at my face and I swear to you I did not recognise the girl in the mirror, I got scared. This is not me. Not the same person I've been living with for the past 29 years. You work so hard for so many years to maintain good hair, skin, body, overall well-being only to have a look in a mirror to see a damaged good staring back at you. I'm withering away and there is nothing that can be done about it. I am an ugly duckling now and that's just a fact that I have to live with..