Past couple days were hell, torture, and felt like eternal damnation. I felt I was drowning in my pain and misery and was being buried deeper into it by the minute. The physical pain was unbearable, from body aches to nausea, to absolute and utter fatigue and lethargy like I've NEVER experienced. It hit me and hit me hard. I couldn't endure it anymore I kept telling mother that I wished I was dead. Yes it was that bad. It was so bad that I understood why people committed suicide. Pain can get so excruciating and so extreme that you wish you could cease to exist. I uttered the words and may God forgive me for doing so but I said it and I begged God to take my life then and there.
I ended up in hospital all day with blood works done, pointless examination, and just chemo is taking its toll on you responses. Only good/bad thing is they prescribed me Steroids (the it May Kill you med) again. Good thing it gives me energy, allows me to eat again, and gets me out of bed. Bad thing is it ruins my bones, lowers my immune system, and is just bad for me on every other level. But without it I literally become to ill to live. I wasn't even able to pray for past week from how dead tired I was! Il7amdillah I was able to pray again today.
Mentally its starting to get to me.. Quite badly actually. Its sinking in more and the worse physically I get the worse I feel mentally. God this is not easy! It rips you to pieces, it fucks with your brain. I cannot see beyond this disease, I cannot see a future, no hopes, no dreams, all I see is a struggle for survival. Just to keep alive at any cost to see it through. At times I snap and scream for no reason because I feel I'm suffocated to death. I cannot even cry. How I wish I can cry. If I cry my whole body instantly aches and my head hurts like hell! Basically cancer won't allow me to cry. God forbid imagine going through this shite and not being able to cry!! Crying an act which God has given us to help us through tough times by releasing emotions, yet I cannot do so.. Isn't that cruel?!
A bit ago I had to call hospital because of new side effects I was feeling and had to say "Hello I'm a Cancer patient etc" to nurse on-call. My God it felt s0 surreal. I still cannot believe it! I am a Cancer patient, I am diseased. I have the disease which is known as elshain. I am a Cancer patient. Yes it is the end of my world. It certainly feels this way now. I don't want cancer. I want it to go away. I want it to be a horrid dream. I want this to be a lie. I want to wake up from it and be ME ME ME the girl who gets cheerful from music, coffee, and football. Not someone with cancer and has to take chemotherapy. I don't want this I don't want it I don't want it....
La 7awla wla quwa.. This is my destiny.. This is what God gave me.. He gave me cancer and I have to accept it and be thankful for it.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al :(