Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Hell Hole

Past couple days were hell, torture, and felt like eternal damnation. I felt I was drowning in my pain and misery and was being buried deeper into it by the minute. The physical pain was unbearable, from body aches to nausea, to absolute and utter fatigue and lethargy like I've NEVER experienced. It hit me and hit me hard. I couldn't endure it anymore I kept telling mother that I wished I was dead. Yes it was that bad. It was so bad that I understood why people committed suicide. Pain can get so excruciating and so extreme that you wish you could cease to exist. I uttered the words and may God forgive me for doing so but I said it and I begged God to take my life then and there.

I ended up in hospital all day with blood works done, pointless examination, and just chemo is taking its toll on you responses. Only good/bad thing is they prescribed me Steroids (the it May Kill you med) again. Good thing it gives me energy, allows me to eat again, and gets me out of bed. Bad thing is it ruins my bones, lowers my immune system, and is just bad for me on every other level. But without it I literally become to ill to live. I wasn't even able to pray for past week from how dead tired I was! Il7amdillah I was able to pray again today.

Mentally its starting to get to me.. Quite badly actually. Its sinking in more and the worse physically I get the worse I feel mentally. God this is not easy! It rips you to pieces, it fucks with your brain. I cannot see beyond this disease, I cannot see a future, no hopes, no dreams, all I see is a struggle for survival. Just to keep alive at any cost to see it through. At times I snap and scream for no reason because I feel I'm suffocated to death. I cannot even cry. How I wish I can cry. If I cry my whole body instantly aches and my head hurts like hell! Basically cancer won't allow me to cry. God forbid imagine going through this shite and not being able to cry!! Crying an act which God has given us to help us through tough times by releasing emotions, yet I cannot do so.. Isn't that cruel?!

A bit ago I had to call hospital because of new side effects I was feeling and had to say "Hello I'm a Cancer patient etc" to nurse on-call. My God it felt s0 surreal. I still cannot believe it! I am a Cancer patient, I am diseased. I have the disease which is known as elshain. I am a Cancer patient. Yes it is the end of my world. It certainly feels this way now. I don't want cancer. I want it to go away. I want it to be a horrid dream. I want this to be a lie. I want to wake up from it and be ME ME ME the girl who gets cheerful from music, coffee, and football. Not someone with cancer and has to take chemotherapy. I don't want this I don't want it I don't want it....

La 7awla wla quwa.. This is my destiny.. This is what God gave me.. He gave me cancer and I have to accept it and be thankful for it.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al :(


WSS said...

I don't know why "maybe because of smoking", every time I read your posts I just feel that I'll have cancer one day at a time, it's like reading my destiny .

it's really hurts me to see you suffer even if I don't really know you .

A kiss on your head

foshyaa said...

fourme i dont know what say bs methel ma gelty el7emdellah 3la kel 7al o tra allah ma yebtele ela el3abd elle e7eba o enty eb kl alam ga3da ete'alemena ga3da takhthen ajer fi , fa shofay kameyat al ajer ele 3ndch nw eb hl chm month.
allah egawmech blsalama wenshala etreden nfs awal wa7san ya raab ;*

Journal Entries said...

3asallah ehawinha 3alaich enshallah =*

Fa6ooma said...

fourme ... plz ,alich ila il9alat wil do3aa ,... inshalah bithn alah ..alah ra7 yashfeech ... ymkn yabich etegarebeen la akthar ... inshalah wala ad3eelich :**

Sumaiah said...

i know enna there's nothing we could say or do to make u feel better, but i'm going to ask u to hang on because i know that u can beat this. think of it as a phase that will soon be over:)

i'm praying for u:*

Q8othug said...


i cannot offer you hope because i know to you it looks hopeless. all i can offer time: something to pass the time until the pain goes away.

Anonymous said...

after kill hatha o u r still saying 7amdilla !! tabaaaarak al ra7maaan allahuma qawee emanich aktar o akthar alf alf malyoooon marra ;**
3asa rabee ya'3sil eb marathech kil ethnoobich, werid saf7etich betha, wetqomeen min hal maratha o erid sa7etich o 3afeetich yarabbi , o 7azatha in sha2 allah betkon lich il denya wil a5ra ... la baas 6ahoor in sha2 allah ;***

ولاّدة سابقاً ... رانيا السعد ...رانية المنيفي حسب الأوراق الرسمية said...

عزيزتي أحيي شجاعتك وإصرارك وتمسكك بالحياة رغم الألم وأقف لك إجلالاً وإكباراً

عزيزتي كتابتك ليومياتك هو فعل شجاع ينم عن روح عالية وعزيمة ثابتة

ستهزمين هذا المرض اللعين
أنا على يقين من أن فتاة بمثل روحك ستهزمه

ونحن الغرباء الذين شاركتينا معاناتك سندعو لك ظهر الغيب يومياً ونرسل لك طاقة إيجابية تعينك على الأيام العصيبة فأنت ملهمة بالنسبة لنا جميعاً نتعلم منكِ دروس في الحياة ولربما هذه هي الحكمة من وراء هذا الحدث العبثي القاسي أن تتحولي إلى معلمة في مدرسة الحياة لأناس مثلي ومثل متابعي مدونتك


مع محبتي

1001Nights said...

Alla yaajrich habeebty, Alla yajrich wifuk 3ogich. Soon inshalla bithn ilwaa7id ila7ad this all will be a bad memory and your focus will shift to dreams and hopes and things beyond survival oo bityeen oo bitqiseen 3alaina oo you'll go back to your old fiery attitude and your siwaalif :) Soon inshalla habeebty soon.

Q8othug said...


Anonymous said...

Add me to the shaved heads list.

~ Soul

Smart CoOKie said...

This post meant a great deal to me in a weird way. Thank you.

Your always in my prayers. Allah m3aky <3

Slashy said...

ur in my thoughts and prayers..

love u