Friday, 11 June 2010

Ugly Duckling

Once upon a time I was considered beautiful. Not being shallow here but facts are facts, not Megan Fox Angelina Jolie beauty but just enough good mixture in me to be considered pretty and turn heads..

Now not only do I feel ugly but I look it. Don't think I'm being silly here and being sad about my looks. No. Really my health is gone, my looks are the least of my worries. I'm just stating a change that I'm going through so Inshallah one day when I'm cured I can look back at these posts and remember the hell and change I went through in every aspect.

Obviously I've dropped in weight and to begin with I was already thin, so you can just imagine. Under my eyes have turned a pasty yellowy colour and started to go in, lack of sleep I guess, I sleep only 4 hours a day (chemo effect). My cheeks have gone in. My skin is as pale as fuck. I look ill. Zero fat on my body. Boobs have shrunk and sagged. Basically I look like an anorexic model. With shitty thinning short ugly hair.

Its funny how before (healthy days) people would stare because of looks and admiring one thing or the other in me. Now when they see me I can see it in their eyes they look because they can see I'm sick and probably just trying to figure out what I have. I can see a look of pity in peoples faces when they look at me. Its probably because I look much younger than my age and they just feel sad for me. It hurts, like a stab to the heart when I catch someone looking at me that way. I HATE pity yet I see it in strangers faces when they see me. Funny how can the looks of admiration turn to pity. Just shows nothing stays the same forever.

Even when I go to the hospital other cancer patients just keep staring at me, I thought I was imagining it till mother pointed it out. She said its probably because the majority are all in their 60s and you're one of few who look more tired than them and so young in comparison.

I can't stand the way I look, I'm look weak and I feel even weaker. I look tired and I'm exhausted. I look ill but in fact I'm dead on the inside. I looked at my face yesterday for a minute, no I actually stared at my face and I swear to you I did not recognise the girl in the mirror, I got scared. This is not me. Not the same person I've been living with for the past 29 years. You work so hard for so many years to maintain good hair, skin, body, overall well-being only to have a look in a mirror to see a damaged good staring back at you. I'm withering away and there is nothing that can be done about it. I am an ugly duckling now and that's just a fact that I have to live with..


Anony said...


Anonymous said...

The moral of the story is... what actually matters. It is you and not your ugly duckling look or your stunning beauty. Its sad to see temporary things fade away. You will gain your looks back, and they are going to be gone again.

Cancer is a fuck of a disease. Will pray.

- You know who

Anony said...

i saw ur baby pic, and i told u you look ugly :P sorry:P .. and i saw u in ur first 20's .. but to me i think were waaaaaaaaaay more prettier at the age of 28

i believe you're the kind of people who get prettier as they grow older

so at the age of 40 u'll be a drop dead gorgeous more than you were 1 month ago

so no worries azma o et3adee.. o ba3deen etqadreeen jamalech zyada :P

im not saying this to cheer you up! .. i really mean it! .. like i meant when i say u look ugly at the age of 5 looool


Smart CoOKie said...

Just wait and the ugly duckling will turn to a beautiful swan.

Danderma said...

lovely minx... you are watching the wrong thing in the mirror

don't watch ur face... y3ni what do u expect to find your cheeks plump o red o shiny? Laish u torture ur self...

look just at your eyes... stare at your eyes only... nothing can take the gleam out of ur eyes.. because from there you can look into your soul 4y... ok?

o awal ma itkhalseen warana sho'3ol... ishwayat botox 3la spa 3la tedelek o tedeldeq :p ygolon ppl look better in their 30's than they did in their 20's! Fa 3adi jedan when ur hair grows back it would grow without one little shayba :D eshrayech?

o etha fekom 3erj ashgar wella shay chood u grow it blonde... et9eer

Delicately Realistic said...

You were beautiful once u will be beautiful again .. These r just the effects of the chemo .. I look like a monster when I get my period from all the hormones o it all goes back to normal again .. Don't worry .. Ur hair WILL grow back and u will look like u used to and better .. There will be no permanent effects on the way u look ..

If ur worried tired sick these things all effect the complexion but it all goes back to normal ..

O b3dain that just ur outer shell .. inside is ur beautiful self .. That is the one u have to take care of and fight for to stay as it is :)

Abeer said...

Dear Fourme

I am speechless.I wish I have the words to soothe your pain.

But I remembered going to Zahra alkharji's seminar talking about her journey with cancer.
She was glowing more than ever.

maybe a picture can help:

the boudoir. said...

Your not ugly I'm sure!
people stare bcoz they see a distressed person..think about it like this, you look dead tired people speculate about u and what ur going thru..
Try to look and BE optimistic..lama nafseetich ita3adal (i know its hard) then u will glow and look better than u do now. To God, your family and friends you are incredibly beautiful, to strangers like some of us you are too whatever you're going through..And if someone stares rudely or out of pity stare back, its human nature I hate it but we live with it sometimes whether its out of envy, awe, hatred, or pity, we learn to live with it.

Sumaiah said...

I bit that ur the prettiest cancer patient ever!:)
Looks are not permanent, just like ur cancer inshallah!
I hope that u feel better:**

mimi said...

dont u ever say ur ugly,,ur just tired thats it,,just wait w u'll see.. :****
things will get better soon inshallah inshallah it will

Q80thug said...

never mind the people starring at you dear. we 'fuglies'must stick together!


you know, there was reason why you saw my backside only... :p

Anonymous said...

Beautiful people will always remain beautiful :) Wait and when you get well, you will look super beautiful :)

Anonymous said...

I'm a silent reader for a few years now, i'd be lying if i told you i was shocked and sad when i read you have cancer, hell i even cried and I don't know you.

you might be thinking she hasn't posted all those years why now right? ;p 1. allah yashfeesh o yashfi kil martha ilmuslimeen inshalla 2. mithel ma most of your readers/followers said khalay imanich ib rabich qawi winshalla azma wit3adi 3. don't you get mad at the positive response? it's like they all live in la la land (no offense to anyone)

you look ugly? i look ugly.. the difference between us too is that you have cancer and look sick and I am overweight and my hormones are fucked up that i'm growing hair all over my face. does the world end there? fuck no!

once upon a time i looked so fucking good i'm sure i can go back if i wanted to too.. you can too, fight cancer with all you've got, i know it's hard, i know you're in so much pain, i am in pain too, but my physically.

the inner beauty counts more F, no matter how beautiful you are from the outside if you're a bitch it wouldn't matter (i'm not saying that you are) but why give a shit what people think about you? unless you're an attention whore (trying to be funny)

anyways mabi a6awel 3alaich akthar min chethi..

3asallah yashfeech inshalla

PaLoMiNo said...

La7tha la7tha?
Sh'hal 7achy?

Looww shyfa wayhe in '04 chan ma geltay Hal 7achy!!!

RainDrop said...

u know am supportive of u right??

we dont know each other, yet i feel u.. in a way!

BUT STOP THE SELF PITY!!! So, ur going thru a bad time.. Who didnt?! We all have our bad and even VERY bad days..! We may not have gone thru cancer, or maybe some of us did.. madry! i know one thing, it only get worse so it could get better!!

I'm gonna tell u what my gyno told me when i was giving birth. Dont waste ur strength in making any sounds - i didnt scream - or in shedding tears - i didnt cry - .. use that energy u've got in making it pass. and it will pass. I stopped even the little sounds i made .. sounds of pain.. of agony.. and guess what?! She was right.

SO! stop wasting ur energy in feeling sorry for urself. In missing how u looked like. You're still there, ur just sick and weak! Use ur energy in recovery! Be strong!

You wanna know why u look sicker than the old ppl?! Cuz they've realized that making urself feel worse by feeling sad or whatever wont help them, bel3aks it'd make them feel worse. So, they live every possible moment, and not think much of the pain they go thru!!