Monday, 28 June 2010

tired

You know what pisses me off the most is people trying to cheer me up and telling me to be positive all the time and not feel down.. Yes I know the point of saying so is in my interest and having an optimistic outlook will help with getting cured but you know what you got no fucking clue what you're talking about..

If you haven't gone through this shit you really got no clue.. Even if you went through this with people around you, you still got no clue how it feels.. I'm the one feeling sick to my stomach every second of the day, I'm the one with cancer spread all over her body, I'm the one that has no energy, I'm the one losing her mind, I'm the one losing her hair, eye brows, and lashes.. I'm the one that needs to have 3 sets of pyjamas next to her every night because I wake up drenched in night sweats.. I'm the one that has to swallow 21 pills a day while I'm supposed to take only 3 a day! I'm the one that's body going haywire and having side effects left and right.. I'm the one that has no choice in any of this..

Spare me the fucking pep talks and cheer up and try to be normal talk.. I'm NOT normal.. I have stage 4 fucking cancer.. It ate my body up and don't know yet if chemotherapy is working or I have to be subjected to harsher chemo.. I'm going through this shit by myself.. I'm the one that has to have blood tests every week.. I'm the one that has to willing go and getting hooked up to chemo for 2 hours and sit and get poisoned and KNOW the next 10 days I will feel like shit, I won't be able to drink nor eat nor move, I know will only feel OK for 2 days then have to have chemo AGAIN!!

I don't care if you had cancer, lived with someone who had cancer, or been around cancer your entire life.. I don't wana hear any pep talks.. I will deal with my cancer as I please.. I will be sad miserable and fucking pissed as much as I want.. And if I wanna feel like shit then I will and if I wanna accept it then I will and if I don't I won't.. Its no ones fucking business how I deal with cancer.. As long as it aint in your body you got no fucking right to tell me how to deal with it.. For fuck sake I'm the one being tortured here and all I hear is be optimistic! Really!?! I would love to see how optimistic you can be when the second you open your eyes you feel like vomiting your insides out till you go to sleep plus feeling dizziness and having the world spin around constantly.. I have no fucking choice.. I don't even get to sleep anymore. Either I'm in pain and can't sleep, or wake up to change my pj's, or wake up to take meds while sleeping.. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO REST?? You tell me!!?

If I want to be the miserable bitch with cancer then so be it... And not a happy one that's all cheerful and yaay let's beat this!! You know why? Beacuse I fucking can't! Because its fucking cancer.. Because its the harshest disease out there.. Its hell to go through.. In every motherfucking aspect its hell..

I'm fucking tired and exhausted and no one can understand how tough it is.. I don't wanna hear the upbeat cheerful nor sad and depressing shit.. I don't want to be asked how I am because the answer will always be bad.. I don't want to be told how much am loved and cared for because I really don't care.. I want to be left alone till am cured.. I want to be alone till am normal.. I'm just too tired of everything and everyone.. I'm tired of being the sick girl.. I'm tired of looking like the sick girl.. I'm just tired....

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

4y, i got my hair chopped off two days ago, i chopped off half its length and am will to do some more chopping just for you. Me too, i have had long hair for ever since i could remember but who cares its gonna grow eventually :)

WHO CARES! said...

Just say AL 7AMDULLAH- I am sick from hearing U complaining allllllll the time, every body is sick, every body has problems, but U don't hear us cry all the time...
Allah gave U this illness 4 a reason !!- Yeh.. just think about it!

Cat-Eyezz said...

to 'who cares' are u kidding me? esta7ay 3ala wayhech! i cannot BELIEVE the nerve of some people kaifha she's dealing with it the way she's dealing with it, entay shdakhelech? i'm so shocked walah mu msadga there are people out there like this, staghfralah.. did u even read her post? ra7 tenradlech khafay rabech..

fourme i dont know u personally, clearly, bas i have been reading ur blog for maybe a yr? and ur rants on cancer dont sound negative to me, theyre just like most of ur posts.. hatha esloobech whenever mu 3ajbech shay, mayabeela 7achi when it comes to cancer.. lech 7ag u do whatever u want to deal with it, be it bitching or being positive about it.. eli y3arfoonech 3adel will know how to interpet it.. as always allah ysahel 3alaich<3

C said...

What the hell is wrong with 'WHO CARES!' Rude! Man! You're so rude!

Anonymous said...

No one said this was going to be easy...

Just be strong, and have faith in God, as difficult as it may be now..

noora said...

you forgot to type (il7imdella 3ala kil 7al),, thats how u usually end ur posts !!

come on :...( come bq

Yours Truly said...

I completely understand how you feel fourme. I imagined myself in your place and got completely pissed. That's why I try not to comment much, to give you space to pour your heart out without any one judging you or asking you to be strong stay positive ...etc.

If I was in your place I want someone to acknowledge what I'm going through and just say " I know. I understand" and not to be followed by " but you have to fight and be strong and .....etc". This is not to say that a cancer patient should not be told those positive things, because dear they are needed to be said, but not by everyone you meet! This is the point where it gets annoying. 

Any patient needs some one to encourage her, and someone to just listen to her and acknowledge her condition. Too much of either will manage to piss me off If I was in your place. There needs to be a balance. 

In your case, maybe because you have a blog and everybody wants to help and play a part in your recovery nshalla, you see only the positive speech in the comments. 

Everyone here means well.

The problem is we can not control much what people say, and maybe you don't want to be reading things that manage to piss the hell out of you. You need a lot of energy to recover and get well. Being pissed consumes a lot of that. There are time that I get pissed to the point that I want to run A thousand miles, I'm breathless, and feel like breaking things around me. It consumes from my energy a lot. So imagine when I'm as sick as you are what it will do to me. Only you can answer this question.

Maybe you want to put the "comments off" on some posts to avoid what you are feeling right now and save your energy for what you are going through. This is not pep talk. You really need the physical energy to recover.

You can also talk to your closest friends about this. I'm sure they will be supportive of what you are feeling and will do whatever it takes to make you feel better, and not that pissed.

Dear, Write whatever you want in this blog. Put the comments off whenever you feel like it. No one will take it personally. If some do, they can simply stop reading. It's your blog, it's your health. It's your life. 

At the end, I personally wait for the day to see you fully recovered. Bas goolay nshalla :* 



   

Well Wisher said...

Dear FourMe,

I do understand you, and I'm sorry for any annoying encouraging comments I may have written. I could imagine it can be daunting when everyone tells you to keep doing something you can't..

Just know that we're here when you need us.. And I really could only pray that this gets easier at some point..

WHO CARES said...

To those who attacked me, I learned about why Allah gave the illness meaning by the hard way, and I gave it to ‘fourme’ as a gift- a bit harsh I know, but very relieving when U understand it.
U will feel the harmony with the universe, and every thing around us is happening 4 a reason…

I am 21 Y O, diagnosed with medulloblastoma (a type of brain cancer) at age 15, it was resected by 2 surgeries, but not completely, so I had to had chemo + radiation, I was never normal after the diagnosis, and now I am a terminal case… Buz as a result of the chemo I received, I developed leukemia, resistant to treatment, and I officially signed the no resusc. Paper..

I am dying daily, but what is the point of complaining, I want the people around me to remember me for my beautiful cheerful personality not a crying baby!

I was depressed 4 years, and I was on therapy 4 that with no benefit, till I saw one of my healthy friends died in a car accident in his way to his school graduation. His live ended in a second, while I am still dying for the last 6 years!!
So now I know that, Allah gave me this illness 4 a reason, why to spend time in complaining and crying instead of doing something better!

I do feel bad whenever I open this blog, they gave me this link as a way of support, but no, I am sorry, I don’t think so..

FourMe said...

What I wrote in the post was not directed at anyone that leaves me comments here or shows support.. You people have no idea how much you're helping with the comments that you leave..

I meant the people around me in my day to day life.. They try to push me to be strong for my own good but at same time it bothers me cuz am doing my best..

There are days where I feel so tired and energyless that I re-read the comments all you people leave to give me strength.. Honestly thank you for that and keep them coming please :p

P.s. One of the side effects of chemo makes one extra angry and in a bad mood on top of everything.. Hence the lashing out..

P.p.s. WHO CARES, Alah yashfech o yasheni o yashfi kil mareeth in this world inshallah..

P.p.p.s. Shame on me I did forget to say il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al!!! Alf il7amdillah cuz 7ali wayd a7sen mn 7al ghairi...

P.p.p.p.s: I gotta go dressed and look pretty cuz I got 2 doctor appointments now.. I wish you all a fabulous day :*

Anony said...

who cares ; ma3a e7terami 7ag kil eli maraitay fe, but you dont have any right saying what you said. even if you wanted to express your feelings. say it nicely.


kil ensan y7egli ysawe eli yabe o yetsaraf bel 6areqa eli yabeeha.

Anony said...

first comment dandy is this you ???

if yes; you chooped it bedooni @@

q8othug said...

outraging about all the rainbow happy thoughts people say here is normal. remember 4me its a cycle. if you think about it: you need these well wishers like myself so then you can machine gun us with insults, hate and rage. i say better than saying these things to the ones you care about no ? :)

Cat-Eyezz said...

'who cares' whatever u went thru still does not give u the right to say what u said.. u said u went thru yrs of depression, what if someone at that time told u to stop bitching and moaning and that UR annoying THEM cos ur going thru cancer? think about that.. either way alah ysahel 3alaich

Well Wisher said...

Aww FourMe *hug* :*

Who Cares - Allah yashfeech ya rab o yashfy jamee3
ilmartha :*

Jewaira said...

Of course you're tired and expressing yourself is part of the way in which you are helping yourself cope.

Obviously expressing yourself should not always be in a positive or upbeat manner.

And you will always get a mixture of comments: those who tip toe around you, those who tell you the way it is, and those who see beyond the post and the end of this dark tunnel and encourage you to persevere.

Readers should expect to hear a variety of responses to such an emotionally charged post and exploring those responses as a group may help others in ways we are unaware of and in that way this blog serves a multitude of purposes.

Yours Truly said...

Fourme today I spent some time (actually a long time!) Reading your posts back from 2008. Looooooooooool you had some very interesting topics to discuss I was LMAO! :)

Now here is the thing.

I'm really really REALLY curious on what happened with your actor cousin and his movie with the Oscar nominee!

In the post you mentioned that the actor was busy 7athreta and decided to do the movie in another year or two! I think now it's 2 years later! What happened? Did he get in touch? Was your cousin in a movie that we don't know about? Did he pursue his acting career? Is he in Hollywood now? Is he an oscar nominee himself! Yalla yalla spill it plz I'm dying to know! :P

Anonymous said...

Who cares, get a grave.. U r sick of hearing her complaining don't fuckin read her blog!
Fourme, get well soon ;* a7ebich always la7loo7ti

Anonymous said...

You are heard..
Our prayers are always with you..

Take care and God bless.

- You know who