You know what pisses me off the most is people trying to cheer me up and telling me to be positive all the time and not feel down.. Yes I know the point of saying so is in my interest and having an optimistic outlook will help with getting cured but you know what you got no fucking clue what you're talking about..
If you haven't gone through this shit you really got no clue.. Even if you went through this with people around you, you still got no clue how it feels.. I'm the one feeling sick to my stomach every second of the day, I'm the one with cancer spread all over her body, I'm the one that has no energy, I'm the one losing her mind, I'm the one losing her hair, eye brows, and lashes.. I'm the one that needs to have 3 sets of pyjamas next to her every night because I wake up drenched in night sweats.. I'm the one that has to swallow 21 pills a day while I'm supposed to take only 3 a day! I'm the one that's body going haywire and having side effects left and right.. I'm the one that has no choice in any of this..
Spare me the fucking pep talks and cheer up and try to be normal talk.. I'm NOT normal.. I have stage 4 fucking cancer.. It ate my body up and don't know yet if chemotherapy is working or I have to be subjected to harsher chemo.. I'm going through this shit by myself.. I'm the one that has to have blood tests every week.. I'm the one that has to willing go and getting hooked up to chemo for 2 hours and sit and get poisoned and KNOW the next 10 days I will feel like shit, I won't be able to drink nor eat nor move, I know will only feel OK for 2 days then have to have chemo AGAIN!!
I don't care if you had cancer, lived with someone who had cancer, or been around cancer your entire life.. I don't wana hear any pep talks.. I will deal with my cancer as I please.. I will be sad miserable and fucking pissed as much as I want.. And if I wanna feel like shit then I will and if I wanna accept it then I will and if I don't I won't.. Its no ones fucking business how I deal with cancer.. As long as it aint in your body you got no fucking right to tell me how to deal with it.. For fuck sake I'm the one being tortured here and all I hear is be optimistic! Really!?! I would love to see how optimistic you can be when the second you open your eyes you feel like vomiting your insides out till you go to sleep plus feeling dizziness and having the world spin around constantly.. I have no fucking choice.. I don't even get to sleep anymore. Either I'm in pain and can't sleep, or wake up to change my pj's, or wake up to take meds while sleeping.. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO REST?? You tell me!!?
If I want to be the miserable bitch with cancer then so be it... And not a happy one that's all cheerful and yaay let's beat this!! You know why? Beacuse I fucking can't! Because its fucking cancer.. Because its the harshest disease out there.. Its hell to go through.. In every motherfucking aspect its hell..
I'm fucking tired and exhausted and no one can understand how tough it is.. I don't wanna hear the upbeat cheerful nor sad and depressing shit.. I don't want to be asked how I am because the answer will always be bad.. I don't want to be told how much am loved and cared for because I really don't care.. I want to be left alone till am cured.. I want to be alone till am normal.. I'm just too tired of everything and everyone.. I'm tired of being the sick girl.. I'm tired of looking like the sick girl.. I'm just tired....