I accepted cancer. I'm living with it and trying to adjust to it. But DAMN its hard. Everyday is a new struggle. 2 chemos in and I'm starting to wither. My immune system dropped from 11.1 to 2.2 after 1st chemo, if drops to 1.0 then we start with all the hospitalisation crap.
I don't know why I go into details here but am hoping it helps some poor soul if there are any that are going through the same or similar process..
Cancer humiliates, degrades, and strips you from your femininity. To any reader of this blog I might seem rude, temperamental, crazy at times, and vulgar. The other side of me that u don't know is I'm very feminine, very delicate, and very girly. Men and women vouch on that, some would go as far as to say I'm the most feminine woman they have come across in their lives.
Cancer is stripping that away from me, its taking away a large percent of my being. Its stripping me away from my femininity at a faster rate than expected by doctors. Its stopped my menstrual cycle, as a result of not being able to wear a bra because of my breathing its caused my breasts to sag (ain't a pretty site when they hit south), seeing how fast chemo is affecting me I can probably say it caused me to become infertile, and last and certainly not least my hair is falling.
All of these might seem to u as temporary loss but to me I would have to live with this till I'm cured inshallah, 5 months or 2 years or who knows. Its the current effect that its having on me that's difficult. Ppl say just shave ur head off, REALLY its so easy right!! How about u shave urs off for the fun of it! I still have tiny hope that its just thinning and not going completely bald. Delusional? YES! Reality am just a girl who loves her hair and cannot face herself for next X months as a bald woman. Believe me when I tell u when you've had hair ur entire life and wake up one day and find ur head is still on the pillow when seated up right, it shocks u to the core. That's part of me that's falling. Its a hard thing to accept. U don't know how it feels so spare me there are ppl born bald talks cuz I know, I have friends with such cases, but FOR ME NOW this is NEW and I'm forced to accept it whether I like it or not.
I'm forced to lose every aspect of my femininity and dignity along with it. I'm forced to accept the fact that till the day I die I will be haunted by cancer and must have regular checks to see if it has returned. My life has changed and I'm lost in it and at the mercy of the Lord not to make it worse. So yes even if u don't know me or hate my guts please pray for me that God eases this torture on me and gives me the strength to see it through, physically and mentally..