Saturday, 5 June 2010

Ain't a Girl No More

I accepted cancer. I'm living with it and trying to adjust to it. But DAMN its hard. Everyday is a new struggle. 2 chemos in and I'm starting to wither. My immune system dropped from 11.1 to 2.2 after 1st chemo, if drops to 1.0 then we start with all the hospitalisation crap.

I don't know why I go into details here but am hoping it helps some poor soul if there are any that are going through the same or similar process..

Cancer humiliates, degrades, and strips you from your femininity. To any reader of this blog I might seem rude, temperamental, crazy at times, and vulgar. The other side of me that u don't know is I'm very feminine, very delicate, and very girly. Men and women vouch on that, some would go as far as to say I'm the most feminine woman they have come across in their lives.

Cancer is stripping that away from me, its taking away a large percent of my being. Its stripping me away from my femininity at a faster rate than expected by doctors. Its stopped my menstrual cycle, as a result of not being able to wear a bra because of my breathing its caused my breasts to sag (ain't a pretty site when they hit south), seeing how fast chemo is affecting me I can probably say it caused me to become infertile, and last and certainly not least my hair is falling.

All of these might seem to u as temporary loss but to me I would have to live with this till I'm cured inshallah, 5 months or 2 years or who knows. Its the current effect that its having on me that's difficult. Ppl say just shave ur head off, REALLY its so easy right!! How about u shave urs off for the fun of it! I still have tiny hope that its just thinning and not going completely bald. Delusional? YES! Reality am just a girl who loves her hair and cannot face herself for next X months as a bald woman. Believe me when I tell u when you've had hair ur entire life and wake up one day and find ur head is still on the pillow when seated up right, it shocks u to the core. That's part of me that's falling. Its a hard thing to accept. U don't know how it feels so spare me there are ppl born bald talks cuz I know, I have friends with such cases, but FOR ME NOW this is NEW and I'm forced to accept it whether I like it or not.

I'm forced to lose every aspect of my femininity and dignity along with it. I'm forced to accept the fact that till the day I die I will be haunted by cancer and must have regular checks to see if it has returned. My life has changed and I'm lost in it and at the mercy of the Lord not to make it worse. So yes even if u don't know me or hate my guts please pray for me that God eases this torture on me and gives me the strength to see it through, physically and mentally..


PaLoMiNo said...

oh awal wa7da ana 2day ;p

PaLoMiNo said...

leme go read now :)

PaLoMiNo said...

mamati awal shay u said: "My immune system dropped from 11.1 to 2.2 after 1st chemo, if drops to 1.0 then we start with all the hospitalisation crap."

ana once I had my immunity below ZERO's! bil - o raqaaam kbeer... 7a6ooni isolated room o bas :D kan feha net o kilshay fun so a7na warach warach dont worry mako fakaah min 3indna :P

"I'm forced to accept the fact that till the day I die I will be haunted by cancer and must have regular checks to see if it has returned."

ya 3omry please la tafteen OKAY ;-D
awal shay kilmat D** hathy shelha min qamoosich fahma?
ow regular checks only a couple of years after ur cured inshala :)
o b3dain ra7 eykon kila blood test :P fa dont worry about that :)

"seeing how fast chemo is affecting me I can probably say it caused me to become infertile"

That's not fast! Thats all regular o commen side effects 7abeebti.. Regarding infertile thingie, laaa tafteen also :D u'll never know!

adry ma t7been examples! bas wala wala a3ref wa7da with b3eed al shar 3ana uterus cancer, ow after treatment, she got pregnant :)

rabich en gaal 7ag al shay KON!! FA YAKOON!!!!! ow allah ra7eem eb 3ebadah fa 9adgeeni u won't get disappointed later :)

btw my dad was asking about you yesterday :p

Love u sexiii woman :*

Average.Q8i said...

I Love U ..

Shayouma said...

Palomino: :***

FourMe: I am not going to tell you shave your head because I KNOW what hair means to us women .. I didn't like it When it was falling when I had my baby, so I can't imagine how you must feel :***

bas all I can say is try to be a bit more positive, be with people all the time.. Madri shagool but listen to Palomino she seems to know since she seems to have experienced something similar ..

YOu will get over this soon inshallah coz I am sure you are getting many many prayers from people you love.

JACK ASS .. said...

For last 20 days I am typing a few sentences, erasing them and just sitting there blank . Not knowing what to say. Just here to say my thoughts are with you . Get well soon Fourme.

Anonymous said...

allaah yekon fe 3onich inshallaaaa o yashfeech o t9eren mithil awal oo a7san ba3ad..

Bs by the way... i want you to change ur attitude about one thing, which is the medicing.. stop thinking of it as poison, and try to be more positive about it.. this is what will cure you..

The nafseya plays a role, so try to keep as positive as you can..

I am sure it is extremely difficult and i really wish that it becomes easier for you..

Anony said...

hey, i did it for the fun of it ;p and willing to do it all over again ;p

Delicately Realistic said...

Dearest FourMe ;*

Im so so sorry you have to go through this ... I read ur post only 2 days ago and realised that u have been diagnosed with cancer. I just sat down & read everything and wallah wallah all i can say is how much i admire you for being such a strong person for being so brave.

You're pouring out ur heart and soul with so much brutal honesty, instead of sitting in a ball waiting to die like so many others.

Keep up what ur doing, cuz if there was someone who could beat cancer its you. Youve been through a lot & i know things are getting worse, maybe they wont get better soon but they will.

You have an amazing support system of bloggers who love and adore u & im sure u have ur family and friends who seem to be equally as supportive, so u can do it.

God gave us life & its up to us to do the living.

We're here for u :)

foshyaa said...

fourme kathray mn lesteghfar tra walla se7er lesteghfar 6ool ma enty ga3da estaghferay rabich o enshala behon 3laich elmarath

allah egawmch bl salama ya raab:*

Anonymous said...

Alah ebadel tha3fich b Gewa ..
Alah ebadel tha3fich b Gewa ..
Alah ebadel tha3fich b Gewa ..
Alah egawech 3ala mi7nitich ..
w Esa3dich b ghurbitich ..
Alah ezel hammich .. w eredlich se7itich .. w yakhrijich mn 7alaq etheeq ela awsa3 el 6areeq ..
Alahuma inta el shafe .. La shefa2 ela Shefa2uk ..
M ..

Q80thug said...

my offer still stands fourme: i will shave my hair off...

in fact , i think i will do it tomorrow morning :D

be strong luv, we are all here for you

mimi said...

allah ya rab ygawech w y3addy el ayam 3ala 5air ya rab,, FourMe we all luv you,,i know its hard watching your hair falling down its really hard ,, im sorry i told u to shave your hair b4 i just dont want you to feel sad watching it,,well
sa7 yemken insha2allah its just thining and it will go back to normal soon inshallah,,
i just luv you girl
we all love you and always here for you
rabby ya7fethech w yegawech w yshafech ya rab

Sumaiah said...

i'll shave my head with u if u want! we could start a haba her in kuwait! if freshly fucked became a hair style why can't cancer drag be!:p

i'm praying for u 7ayateee:*
inshallah soon u'll get better and we'll get the former bitchy fourme back:)

Lamia said...

wish yo'll be fine very soon, and get rid of this disease.inchallah you'll be back to normal and just keep in mind that you're half way through when you have a positive attitude.
Have faith in God, it's just a test

Standy said...

inshallah you will beat this adn you will get better and this will just be a memory of once upon a time..

Allah ye7fathish o yeshfeesh..

Unknown said...

Thinking of u today - hope u r feeling better today xx

Raaf said...

Allah ygawmech bel salama ya rab, our hearts are with you wallah bad3elich o i will tell everyone i know to do the same ;'*!