+ This week has and is hell.. I'm getting severe nausea and sickness and its 2nd week after chemo! Which means I shouldn't be feeling this way! But yes my luck and only my luck that makes me feel this way.. Doctors don't know why I'm feeling so nauseas.. I can't move.. I can't talk.. I can't stand a thing.. I just feel sick to my stomach..
+ I haven't been able to eat or drink water.. Every drop of water makes me feel worse yet I MUST drink 2 litres of water a day so chemo buggers out of my system.. Drinking water nowadays feels like I'm drinking cooking oil :( I swear that's how it feels..
+ I'm tired.. My right arm is killing me, my veins hurt like hell from chemo, I don't have strength in it, it won't be able to take more chemo. Every 2 weeks they use one arm for chemo then the other. Next tues my left (if my immune system is up, if not no chemo). But come time for right arm I don't think they will be able to use the veins in it. Which means I have to have surgery where they insert a small piece in my chest, under skin, like a tube that they can access from the outside for chemo and hook it up there instead of arms.. There are pictures and ugly details of it I'll post it later so u can see how bad its gona get.. My arm hurts too much so possibly that is the next step, surgery to have it put in (more scars) and surgery to take it out when cured inshallah (and some more scars).. My body is becoming a canvas for doctors.. Cut here cut there.. Cut everywhere..
+ This is a very tough journey, very difficult, days pass but very very slowly and painfully.. There are people with worse cancers than I have and going through worse but God my cancer is difficult.. Its still cancer.. I hear of other cancer patients and my heart breaks for them.. If I'm barely going through this how can they go through theirs :( Please God let every sick person in this world feel no pain..
+ I'm gona cut my hair like a "boy" tomorrow if I feel better to leave the house.. I lost and losing so much hair that it reached a point where its really bothering me.. And you can see I'm starting to go bald at some places.. So gona cut it very short to prepare for the inevitable.. By next chemo I will most likely lose all my hair.. Yes not a big deal.. But I'm still scared of how I will look.. And no I cannot stand wigs, I feel sick if I touch one, let alone wear it..
+ By the way I have no clue what's I'm saying I just feel the need to blabber.. I'm sitting in the garden its 1am, looking up at the most beautiful clear sky dotted with sparkly stars.. Wishing I was normal.. Wishing I had energy to go for a walk.. Wishing I was out dining at Cipriani's or Mr. Chow.. Wishing I was with my friends living my age and being careless.. Instead am wrapped up in blanket afraid I'll catch a cold (even though its 20c) feeling sick, forcing myself to drink water, typing this while my arm is aching, and the wind blowing around the couple strands of hair I have left.. Last year this time I was alive.. This year same time, I have cancer, I'm taking chemo, and I have the energy and strength of a sheet of paper..
Be thankful for the moment you are living in.. You have no idea how life can turn to better or worse.. Just be happy.. I would give anything just to be happy and healthy.. Inshallah I will be when cured but its going to be hell to reach that point.. I beg you God give me the strength to endure it.. Its not easy.. Not easy at all.. Il7amdilah 3ala kil 7al..