Thursday, 24 June 2010

40 Days

+ This week has and is hell.. I'm getting severe nausea and sickness and its 2nd week after chemo! Which means I shouldn't be feeling this way! But yes my luck and only my luck that makes me feel this way.. Doctors don't know why I'm feeling so nauseas.. I can't move.. I can't talk.. I can't stand a thing.. I just feel sick to my stomach..

+ I haven't been able to eat or drink water.. Every drop of water makes me feel worse yet I MUST drink 2 litres of water a day so chemo buggers out of my system.. Drinking water nowadays feels like I'm drinking cooking oil :( I swear that's how it feels..

+ I'm tired.. My right arm is killing me, my veins hurt like hell from chemo, I don't have strength in it, it won't be able to take more chemo. Every 2 weeks they use one arm for chemo then the other. Next tues my left (if my immune system is up, if not no chemo). But come time for right arm I don't think they will be able to use the veins in it. Which means I have to have surgery where they insert a small piece in my chest, under skin, like a tube that they can access from the outside for chemo and hook it up there instead of arms.. There are pictures and ugly details of it I'll post it later so u can see how bad its gona get.. My arm hurts too much so possibly that is the next step, surgery to have it put in (more scars) and surgery to take it out when cured inshallah (and some more scars).. My body is becoming a canvas for doctors.. Cut here cut there.. Cut everywhere..

+ This is a very tough journey, very difficult, days pass but very very slowly and painfully.. There are people with worse cancers than I have and going through worse but God my cancer is difficult.. Its still cancer.. I hear of other cancer patients and my heart breaks for them.. If I'm barely going through this how can they go through theirs :( Please God let every sick person in this world feel no pain..

+ I'm gona cut my hair like a "boy" tomorrow if I feel better to leave the house.. I lost and losing so much hair that it reached a point where its really bothering me.. And you can see I'm starting to go bald at some places.. So gona cut it very short to prepare for the inevitable.. By next chemo I will most likely lose all my hair.. Yes not a big deal.. But I'm still scared of how I will look.. And no I cannot stand wigs, I feel sick if I touch one, let alone wear it..

+ By the way I have no clue what's I'm saying I just feel the need to blabber.. I'm sitting in the garden its 1am, looking up at the most beautiful clear sky dotted with sparkly stars.. Wishing I was normal.. Wishing I had energy to go for a walk.. Wishing I was out dining at Cipriani's or Mr. Chow.. Wishing I was with my friends living my age and being careless.. Instead am wrapped up in blanket afraid I'll catch a cold (even though its 20c) feeling sick, forcing myself to drink water, typing this while my arm is aching, and the wind blowing around the couple strands of hair I have left.. Last year this time I was alive.. This year same time, I have cancer, I'm taking chemo, and I have the energy and strength of a sheet of paper..

Be thankful for the moment you are living in.. You have no idea how life can turn to better or worse.. Just be happy.. I would give anything just to be happy and healthy.. Inshallah I will be when cured but its going to be hell to reach that point.. I beg you God give me the strength to endure it.. Its not easy.. Not easy at all.. Il7amdilah 3ala kil 7al..


CatEyes said...

i wish there's something we can do for u.. i dont want u to go thru the kind of pain ur going thru.. a7es the emotional is taking more of a toll on u than the physical.. alah ygaweech ive honestly been sitting here for over 20 mins trying to think of anything i can do or say and all i can do for u right now is to pray for u.. if i ever come across something that i think will help mara7 agasser ur always in my prayers i hope tomorrow is a better day for u <3

Zayoon said...

7ayatee entay be patient it will pay off some day i promise you oo enshallah its just a couple of hard days oo raa7 et3adee 3ala khair. this is a test for allah, khalaay emanich bellah 8aweyy my love oo enshallah you'll be better than before!

lovee youuu:**

Jewaira said...

sending you love and prayers for fortitude and endurance. Hugs

Namz said...

Allah eshafeech oo ygaweech inshalla.. I know this is easier said than done: but think of the bright future and how ur gonna beat this!!



wet knickers said...

hey u...
everyone's praying for u..
i wish i could do something to make u feel better..
just try to be as positive as u can..
once u recover.. ure gonna feel so much better.. and look back.. and be like.. it was hard.. i did it!
praying for u a lot a lot..

Anonymous said...

7beebti i guess its time i told the true reason why i come and comment here:

i lost my father 4 years ago to cancer, i still get misty eyed every time i remember the chain of events ending with me watching him take his last breath. it really breaks you to see your father, once someone you fear then admire then speak highly off withering down physically as he became too weak to sign his will he with his famous signature on the paper and mentally when he breaks down, bargains and becoming delusional.

life is unfair fourme. when everybody was praying for his mercy i was the only one praying for for his health and recovery. i believed so strongly that he will make it even though cancer has spread everywhere. he was the youngest of his brothers and the kindest. liked by everyone. i held his bony hands one last time after he was declared dead and called his name repeatedly even though i know he is dead in front of forgive me fourme if you dont see me praying for you like the rest.

so why do i come here, encourage you to be stronger and even shave my hair for you ? its because i want to re-live the incident again but this time with someone i care about who will actually survive. and believe me fourme: you will. the odds are with you and the things you say shows it clear. the funny thing is that i envy you! envy the fact that you will make it while my dad didnt :(
so wrap up the blanket a little more close, force that water down your throat cause we ain't done yet and have work to do :')

CatEyes said...

allah yer7am ur dad w 3atham alah ajrek q80thug

the boudoir. said...

i really feel bad..especially with the vein and body chemo talk..allah y3eenich.. i should be thankful i know..we talk about this disease and one day we found ourselves or those closest to us go through it..they go through so much pain..o rabi yaktiblikum ajir 3ala kil hal 3athab winshallah kil hatha ib meezan 7asanatich wiydakhlich iljannah ya raab! witha bithin rabi 9ar hal shay ull be luckier than most of us who may enjoy life now and b thrown in hell 7ag il3athab il9iji..

it may b a curse to u bs 3ind rabi ga3d yableech coz intay ilamthal mn 3ibada (to him u r) these words were just told to me by someone..he tests the good people and not the bad ones..

we cannot help u thru this time except with words and its not enough i know coz were not goin thru it..u choose to help urself if its listening to the encouragement of others or endure all what ur going thru..and remember u have ur whole lie ahead of u..its never late to have fun inshallah itha 6ala3tay mn hal mi7na..

PaLoMiNo said...

7abeebti intay :*

PaLoMiNo said...

wala u'll be cured walaa

PaLoMiNo said...

mara7 a36ech examples.. akbar example is in front of u

Anonymous said...

rabch ya5th w y36ii mthl ma 2a5ath mnch brdlch ili a7sn mena... ym'hel wala yh'mel!!

alla eshafech w3afeech;*


mimi said...

ya rab ir7amha w shafeha w i7meha
ya rab gawweha ya rabbbb
ra7metek ya ar7am alra7meen ya allah

Well Wisher said...

It's ok Dear remember as you said to every negative there's a positive point. You said it yourself there are other cancer patients who are much worse than you.

I know you don't feel like drinking water bes fakray feeha tara akbar ni3ma ilmay, ako nas fi africa o other places mo lagyeen may eshirbonah. I know you have your legit reasons and I can't imagine how you feel like, bes try to think of it as a ni3ma ina it's readily available to you clean and bottled so tiqa9ubeeh shwaya..

And about your hair, I can never imagine how hard it is, but to be honest I've always wondered what it would be like to have boy short hair.. It looks very sexy and cute on some girls, think of it as an excuse to rock that look (if it thins more then think of the shaved look like Sinead O'conor, Natalie Portman also rocked that look and still looked great).

Inshallah your arm heals by next tuesday, and if you need the surgery at the end, inshallah it will make things easier for you 3ala il aqal your arms won't hurt anymore..

Focus on the positive side of things and just don't let the negative stuff get to you.. Winshallah you'll soon be dining in Cipriani and stuffing yourself full in Mr. Chow with your friends in no time bithn Allah ilWa7id ilA7ad :)

(I know it's easier said than done, but just give it a try.. ;) )

*Sending you positive vibes*

Anonymous said...


I cannot feel what you are going through nor i can understand the intensity.

I pray with full intensity of my heart's cry that you get healthy as soon as possible with as minimum pain.

~ Soul

Anonymous said...

* : ) M

Dont.Dwell said...

walla il3a'6eem i look up to u, at times simple crap annoys the hell out of me, then i remember ina this is nothing compared to what u and others go through oo a7md rabe 3ala kl 7al wad3eelch bl shfa inshalla, smile ur teaching us all what life is really about :)

Anony said...

anonymous * :) M

I LOVED IT !!!!!!!



may i steal it ? (A) please? ;p

RainDrop said...

Next year this time u'll b running around enjoying london's crazy summer ;) - inshallah

Anonymous said...

Anony : haha akeed! well its not mine i stole it :p
shift'ha o gilt lazim i post it here, so feel free;p

* :) M