Saturday, 22 May 2010


How do you cope day in and day out with this? There is no manual that teaches you how to behave or how to act or how to accept it. You have to go through it blindly just taking it one day at a time.

People think by asking you 24/7 how you feel will make u feel better not knowing its just like rubbing salt in a wound that they're constantly reminding you of. How do feel 2 hours after they asked the first 10 times? I feel the same, I have no energy, I still have cancer, and N0 I cannot be upbeat about it.

How can you when realistically you know its a deadly disease?! Yes inshallah I will get cured but do you know I'm at risk of heart attack, lung failure, kidney failure, blood clots, zero immune system and shit load of other things! Not forgetting that there is a chance its not curable and death is inevitable after a long tortuous journey. I'm not being negative I'm just facing what I'm dealt. Yet still knowing its possible my hair will fallout, eyebrows and eyelashes terrifies the fuck out of me.. Its scary.. Yes might not happen and might happen..

Every 2 seconds I get a scare from a new side effect and its just been a week not 6 months! I'm getting a pain in the lower part of my head now, they already MRI'd my head and it was clear. But if this pain doesn't subside in 2 days I have to go back for more testings. Ya rabi 1 thing at a time I beg of you. Ma feni at7mal kil youm khar3a kafy 3alay lal7en madri 3an el bone marrow ely mo rathy y6la3 elresult which btw I have a feeling it already reached..

I dunno what the fuck am saying anymore. This is way T00 much to digest. La 7awla wla quwata ela billah el3aley el3atheem..


Um Mit3ib said...

facing reality or wht ur dealt with slight pessimism might not be the best thing... they always say nis il marath el nafseya.. wela nafseyat;hom zaina recover faster.. so focus on the positives even though they seem minimal

focus on the fact that u hav a loving family
focus on the fact that ppl are there for u
focus on the fact that you are a strong girl and u always have been.. a disease shouldnt shatter that
focus on the fact that ur gonna kick this diseases ass

dont focus on the disease or the results or whtever! their not important right now

stay strong;*

Q80thug said...

i agree, shift the focus to something else. it will do you no good to think about it.

stay strong dear :>

Anonymous said...

May all beings everywhere plagued with sufferings of body and mind quickly be freed from their illnesses.

May those frightened cease to be afraid, and may those bound be free.

May the powerless find power, and may people think of befriending one another.

y said...

Four me,

Focus on being a FIGHTER.. you have to fight this with everything you've got and you cant let it win! You will FIGHT this! And you will WIN Insha'allah!
our love and prayers are with you :)
Kick this thing's butt!!!!!!!!

Hope said...

try to stay optimistic.. remember enna Allah ma yebteli el.3abd ella l2na y7ebah.. here's one thing to B happy abt.. Allah loves u.

U gotta fight this thing, fight it with all the strenght u have, fight it with all of ur heart.. if U wanna get better, if U wanna B cured.. InShallah b7ail Allah U will B.

Fight it even if deep inside u think ur gonna lose this battle.. give it a fight.. u know if it's gonna beat u then u won't just let it beat the easy way.. Ur gonna fight & fight & the cancer has got 2 earn it.

So just Fight it.. have the belief that u can win.. hold on to hope even if it's 0.1%
cuz as I said it's all abt u & what u want.. if u wanna beat it YOU'll BEAT it

Allah Yshafeech o y3afeech

Temetwir said...

i'm speechless. you are an INSPIRATION. know that!

the boudoir. said...

cmon uve had strong thoughts strong..if u think about the heart attack, lung failure, etc with all of that bad energy u might get it (inshallah not) optimist..and say uve had enough problems and u know u wont get another..we r here for u praying for u..winshallah our prayers will b answered and u WILL get better inshallah..u have started chemo u just have to wait..think that these headaches r just out of stress because of excessive thinking and not sleeping that much! allah y7afthich:*

Fajer said...

When I go thru something, I don't like ppl to tell me to stay positive, to think of the good things. Cuz I know i won't. I don't need ppl to tell me i can do it. I know what i'm capable of and I know HOW powerful i am. All i want is someone to listen to me. A shoulder to cry on. Someone I DARE to be myself with, a vulnerable mess.

Reading about survivors

Do what you need to do. We'll be the shoulders you cry on. We'll listen. We'll be there. I know that it doesn't change any outcome of your situation. Bss Allah sub7ana fogna.

Tara I read ur blog every day. You're an inspiration. You WILL surpass this. You WILL. It won't be easy but You will! If you want it, believe it! The mind is the most powerful thing bel denya. Remember that.

Lots of love;*

Standy said...

allah ye7fa'9ik..

foshyaa said...

i totally agree with um mit3eb look at the bright side .
See how many ppl care about u
ur mother
ur family
ur friends
and the ppl who comment in ur blog * etha kanaw bl7sba ;p*
so just be strong if its not for u for them ;* Nabech qaweya ;* azma wet3ade wenshall u'll get well soon ya raab ;**

christina/ohio said...

Hang in there! I know it is hard. My friend who went through chemo said it was worse part of it all. I've heard the worse it is the better it works so it really must be doing as it was designed to do with you.I don't have cancer but have lived with a chronic illness nearly my whole life and yes being asked how you feel makes you want to scream sometimes. I feel like sometimes all people see is the diease and not me?I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. :)