Sunday, 23 May 2010


I don't understand. Will someone explain it to me please. Day in and day out people are talking about how brave and strong I am. From comments here to what my doctors say to family and friends. Everyone seems to be seeing something that I am completely oblivious to. Are you all trying to cheer me up by saying this or what is it?! Are these cheerleading tactics that you all seem to be masters in? Are you all ganging up on me and trying to fool me into bravery and strength so I can overcome this ordeal?!

I possibly understand why my doctors say that I seem brave or what have you to them because I literally put up a fight and went against hospital policies to be given chemo ASAP when other patients do the impossible to evade such treatment. And probably I was 1 of the very few psychotic patients whom they've ever had beg for chemo.

But back home and with you people I'm spilling my guts and terrified. I'm not brave nor strong. I'm a mess. I'm fragile. And I'm literally breaking day by day. So what are you lot talking about?! Are u all conspiring against me and just saying that I am so and so to cheer me up and motivate me or what exactly? I'm truly confused. Kindly explain..

p.s. To Fajer: I don't know who you are nor ever come across your blog nor seen you comment here previously to this disaster. My dear don't ask me why but your comments mean A LOT to me and sometimes couple words you say stick in my head and are helping me get over little hurdles during the day! Thank you for your support its much appreciated :*

p.p.s. To ALL: I truly appreciate ALL of your comments and they mean S0 much to me.. Thank you my darlings :**


Anony said...

le2na el6aletik haiba kama haibat malik <3

Shayouma said...

I get what you mean, I for one am not lying to you or anything, I do think you are strong to get over this but it doesn't mean I think you are smiling and walking around saying you are brave or anything.. no one knows how it feels but you, no matter what we say..

Let me tell you something irrelevant and am not comparing cancer to diabetes of course but just trying to explain something.. When my son got sick I was crying al the time, and felt so weak and so on while everyone around was talking about bravery.. I was like WTH?! But I think just taking it day by day, even if you feel weak and fragile, proves you have some sort of strength.. maybe you don't see it but we do :****

ccw said...

i think ppl tell u ur brave because they truly see u that way. Bravery is not just an act of courage or heroism.. in your case its abt fighting for ur life, talking abt ur illness, being true to ur situation and the things happening inside u and around u. That is bravery.. being weak is a natural reaction to what u are facing, some ppl are weak even without cancer! but to be able to to honestly blurt it out .. thats brave.

mat9adgeen shkither 8i9tich atherat feeni.. to be young and facing such a huge shock and responsibility.. I pray that God rewards u for ur patience and pain. oo il7imdila ive read that ur illness has a high % chance of survival oo inshala ib7ail alah.. bitgomeen bisalama oo bititshafain.. just hang in there.. the worst part will be over soon inshala ;**

CatEyes said...

lets get one thing clear, being brave/strong and optimistic are 2 different things.. ur not overly optimistic bas uve never been sa7? thats just u, mala sheghel eb how brave or strong u are.. and being fragile and terrified, how can u expect not to be.. anyone and everyone in ur position would.. bas its ur attitude.. ur dealing with it head on.. mbayen enech mu rathya u give in to cancer.. ive seen ppl scared of diseases bas never HATE them like u do.. u give off the impression that u wanna kill it, and that, my dear, is where ur strength comes from.. by the way im sorry i haven't been commenting, bas i just came back from the states and my sleep is really off i havent been logging on.. bas i've been telling my mom to pray for u wallah ma nesaitech ;*

s. said...

i'm a silent reader.. However, I feel compelled to reply to this post..

While you may feel weak and a "mess", I see otherwise.

A lot of people consider sickness a sign of weakness, and they would hide in their shell and completely lose hope.. but you, mashallah, show so much courage. You are FIGHTING it, and sharing your experience with the whole world.

Yet despite all the pain and suffering you go through, you end all your posts with "al 7amdellah 3ala kel 7al"...

If this isn't strength and faith, I dunno what it.

For what its worth, I pray every day that you overcome this. You are an inspirational mashallah, and everybody is with you till the end.

Lili said...

No one will know how u feel, u are in pain, u are struggling..ur strong to show us how you feel..ur coming out of ur having this blog is a BIG BIG BIG sign of bravery..its ok to be angry, it ok to be sad..showing emotion is bravery..pretending nothing is happening is a sign of weakness..I just starting reading ur blog..ur one of a kind..allah ya7fethich inshallah oo yashfeech ib asra3 wagt..its just a tough phase in ur sure its not easy..but keep on fighting it..

Unknown said...

Reading your blog everyday and praying 4u. I have no wise words just that yes you are an inspiration to me. You are not just lying down and saying cancer come take me. You are facing it head on and telling it to screw itself. You are fighting with everything you have – literally every bone in your body.

Please don’t feel you have to be brave whenever u talk to us just because we all think you are. Sorry to put that additional pressure on u. Thank you being so strong to share your story with us.

christina/ohio said...

It is the fight you show everyone. Not everyone has that in them. Some people are just consumed by what happens to them you do not appear to be one of those people therefore you are a brave fighter. :)

Maha said...

You may be sick and fragile but you are brave. How? After everything you've been through you still manage to say "il7amdolilah". Where others who are sick have lost faith, you still manage to have faith more than ever and more than anyone else. If this is not bravery and courage, then I don't know what is.

I came across your blog a few days ago, and have been touched, and end up in tears after every post I read.

Hang in there, cuz God will heal you and will reward you at the end :*

silver.42 said...

I just came across your blog today from another blog i was reading. I read a couple of your older posts and i can tell you this, i don't know you, but from what i read i can see that you're a strong person, you genuinely have a good heart, and you can fight this! This is a giant obstacle you have to overcome, as long as you have a good attitude about it you're going to kick its ass. ib da3watna inshalla ;*

Q80thug said...

we all get scared dear, and even terrified shitless when faced with pending doom. like someone at the wrong end of a gun barrel, he/she becomes speechless and becomes completely paralyzed. only the brave act on the moment and do what is ethical, just and right. fighting for your first chemo session is by far the greatest example of such bravery. in some cases people drive on impulse and only when they stand still they realize the magnitude and the consequences of the situation. and that's the story morning glory. :)

Fajer said...

Awalan, I can't begin to explain the happiness I felt laiman garait ur last words to me. I don't even know what to say. Walla i'm speechless.

Thani shay, I'm gonna agree with kel eli the commented about this post. (3n strength) and I want to add...

There was a time, I went thru many shitty things. Bs el farg baini oo bainech (ghair ena my problems not .0001% of ur ordeal), enna I let the problems eat me up. Ma 3alajt mashakli, i didn't see a therapist, lain we9alt mar7ala, its easier to keep on living in shit, than fixing anything.

Then I read your posts, going thru CANCER. Something that attacked YOU. (you didn't choose it, it wasn't ur choice, mo methel many screw ups like me who CHOSE to screw up)... Ashofech every single day coming here, talking about the most personal thing eb 7ayatech... Being open about every single thing that hurts u, angers u, scares the living shit out of u. You think enna you're just doing what every cancer patient does, oo u don't have a choice. Bss you do.

You can be like every other "cancer" patient and go into ur little dark room pretending like ur strong, pretending like it doesn't hurt, pretending like its not confusing, pretending like there's no little part of u that asks "WHY", pretending that "looks" don't matter.

Bss you're not. By being true to who u are and what you feel, by CHOICE, g3da t3aljeeeen the psychological "cancer" that MANY patients ignore and meds can't ever treat.

THAT is strength.

Remember, there are two cancers.

- The one that the docs are taking care of.
- The second "psychological" one that your strength can personally keep under control.

Lots of love;*

1001Nights said...

I don’t know about other people but here’s why I think you’re brave:
1)You haven't lost faith.
2)Begging for chemo shows this resolve and this insistence on survival. I think it would be easier to lose hope, lose a yearning to live.
3)Being brave by no means implies a lack of awareness that you’re in danger. You being a mess and fragile is not a sign of cowardliness. But humans tend to have a fight or flight response. You’re not in flight mode, you’re in battle mode.
4)Spilling your heart out and showing vulnerability and fear, is for me, a huge blazing sign of utmost bravery.

That’s why I think you’re brave. Now here’s why I’m proud of you:

1.I believe, and of course God only knows, I believe that you're not disappointing God. In the end that's what we're all here for - to worship not disappoint God, to seek pleasing Him as much as we can. I think you're trying hard to please Him. It just makes me proud. I think ummich rabbat 3adil. Alla y5aleeha lich wi5aleech laha.

the boudoir. said...

yes u r stong.ur probably oblivious. but strength comes in different shades. the one ur showing is ur still holding to faith..usually its either u forget ur faith in god or u hold on to him and pray constantly.

Once u said u let ur mom leave the room while they had the biopsy (i think). that alone shows that u r couragous enough to go through the painful prcess alone without her holding ur hand or maybe at least u know how much pain she will be in wither way ur strong. Ive known people, mostly old who gave up medicine. they didnt want to go thru the pain process! So to them r a hero and strong, whatever u say. Yes we can never know how u really feel, true, but theres obviously hope and strength in ur actions.

and yes it may be that we r encouraging u. i am doing that in addition to really seeing it thru ur words.

тσσηα said...

Bcoz no matter how bad how pain how scared u felt u r still here, reaching the out world, opening ur self to ppl u dnt knw and sharing ur life with !!! Non of us have not been through hell in this life, and yes it differ from person to another but at the end of the day its all HELL !! the magic works in how each manage to deal with whatever is going. U master ur cancer and fighting it yet making friends with it ;p dnt ask me how bs that wht i felt and this is the power u have mashallah w i hope u can continue the way u r till the end !! we .. well we r just a reminder for u that u can !! Smile for ever ;)

meem said...

== when i said that u're strong i wasnt trying to cheer u up aw shay, bs hatha e9ij, wether u admit it wela la'a .. sorry, but u are strong and u will get over this