Friday, 14 May 2010

Begging for Chemo!!

I come back from an exhausting 3 hour long PET scan which caused me excruciating pain only to find bad news waiting for me. I barely threw myself on the bed when doctor comes in and tells me cancer has reached my liver and could be a second type of cancer on top of Hodgkins. All results come out tomorrow so depending on bone marrow I'm either at stage 3 or 4. It really isn't getting any better!

I couldn't handle it I had a nervous breakdown.. I literally broke down in tears and smothered myself with a pillow and screamed my head off. Nurses and mother tried impossible to calm me down but didn't help. They wanna start chemo on tuesday because of protocol and procedures must be followed and can't start tomorrow.

I was begging them to start chemo ASAP but they wouldn't agree causing more of a breakdown, extreme anger, threatening to shred one of the doctors to pieces with my bear hands, and calling the professor fucking something or the other. Can u believe it I'm BEGGING to be given chemo sooner rather than later. I begged like I was begging for diamonds not for poison to poison my body with! Tomorrow morning I will know if they made an exception and will start me on chemo or wait till tuesday till I lose my mind..

They gave me some sedative to help me sleep now.. I hit rock bottom. I don't have the strength anymore not when it reached my organs.. I beg you God give me the strength just to endure a little bit more cuz if not I will literally lose my mind. Ya rabi il7amdillah bs magdar ta3abt ta3aabt its too much to digest. Please God let my bone marrow be clean please please I beg of you PLEASE..


CatEyes said...

as soon as u said its cancer thats the first thing that crossed my mind.. uve been complaining about back pain since rmethan last yr, i was praying it hadn't spread that much since then.. im gonna skip the 'be optimistic' speech.. jst keep in mind things get worse before they start to get better.. whatever comes next, u'll still only have one option.. treat it/ fight it.. w etha tabeeni a6alle3lech medical miracles i will but its just going to show u one thing ena the actual medical aspect is not the only thing that determines what happens to u.. there's alot to worry about just dont worry about it gorgeous.. just deal with things one step at a time, and cancer is treatable, the only thing u have to face is knowing its gonna be a long road, no sugarcoating it.. bas u never know el kheera eli bte6la3 menna.. if i was next to u id give u a kiss and a hug [im small but im strong u'll feel better]. do me a favor and look up kevin hart on youtube u should start laughing for a change:*

* L said...

I just started reading your blog and I just want to let you know that im praying for you.

اللهم اشفه شفاء ليس بعده سقما ابدا..اللهم خذ بيده اللهم احرسه بعينيك التى لا تنام .
و اكفه بركنك الذى لا يرام و احفظه بعزك الذى لا يُضام .و اكلأه فى الليل و فى النهار .
و ارحمه بقدرتك عليه ّ.أنت ثقته و رجائه يا كاشف الهم . يا مُفرج الكرب يا مُجيب دعوة
المُضطرين .اللهم البسه ثوب الصحة والعافية عاجلا غير اجلا ياأرحم الراحمين..
اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه اللهم اشفه..اللهم امين

Dont.Dwell said...

After cat-eyezz's comment there isn't much to say, she perfectly said what needs to be said.

Bs I'd like to emphasize the point ina its not all about facts oo figures, intay imanch ballah gwee oo rabch ma ra7 yt5ala 3anch, hang on oo keep ur head high, mo cancer ily ygdar 3ala Fourme :)

WSS said...

Jad I'm feeling angry and I wrote a long comment but I deleted most of it because I was angry from G..

as i told you before about obo neseby kan feh cancer stage 4 sawola operation o now he's clear so this is the facts that you need! not only praying o inshallah !

And how come your cancer is really dangerous o mentesher ebkel el jesem and they didn't notice it before !!! BOGAR ?!!! or the result will show that it's not that big, And I think,wish,hope they didn't notice it because its not that big

Don't forget that losing yourself is the real disaster so stay calm and be strong .

keep informing us about you.

We really do like you

Stay strong!

moi said...

esmilla 3lech min el break down;*

what you're going through is very very difficult i can see that bs dawam el7al min elmu7aal :) wla shai etim 3la 7ala,oo enshallaa this is the worst of it.

allaa esabrich weshafeeech oo ekhafif 3annich ya rab!

Anonymous said...

ma 3aleh .. imagine you're in a 100m committee are cheating and adding more hurdles .. bas your stronger and willing to fuck the committee so your gonna jump all the hurdles they put you? okaay?

ma ra7 ninsach fi 9alat il yim3a ilyom! :)

Anonymous said...

LOL ishkatib ana? :S

hehe .. i meant ur in a 100m hurdle race :)

Shayouma said...

Be strong , you WILL get through it.. I dont believe in doctors, I believe in miracles, trust me I have seen them and I am sure that you will be one of them :*

Fajer said...

Strength. I pray for strength. I already know you're strong enough for the physical part of all thats going on. I just want you to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "You won't get to me." That little part of you thats full of hope and prayer and love and persistence and acceptance and faith. Hold on to that. Get rid of everything negative and start reading about survivors' stories. And know one thing, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And when you reach rock bottom, it only means its upward from there on... Its gonna be tough, but be tougher. Face it head-on.

Lots of love;*

Glitter said...

You will fight..
you will win..

mako shy 3ala Allah be3eed

(((HUG U 7AIL)))

nosa said...

u will get through it inshalah... n its 5air 4 u.. i know this is mo wgtah.. bs imagin every pain u get is ethem n sins thrown away.. remember elmuslim amruhu kuluho laho 5air..

pls be strong.. we r all praying 4 u..

i dont know u personally but i love u.. n ur always on my mind..
pls be strong

shoosha said...

hii raqam 4

PaLoMiNo said...

please god please
please not fourme :(

CatEyes said...

hi gorgeous da3aitlech wayed for ur first chemo inshalah it wasnt as bad as u expected;* 3asa u rested 3adel after it.. and 7emdelah they let u start it today;* i just wanted to add i heard if u put an ice pack on ur head during the chemo sessions, and then keep doing that about twice a day it should help with hair loss, ya3ne be7et bas not most of it.. and then there are these serums that are supposed to make hair grow if u use them once a day during chemo they also make the hair follicle stronger and minimize hair loss.. its worth a try etha mthaygetech el salfa lail7een ;*