Thursday, 30 September 2010

Me & Me

Today i took myself out on a date.. It was me and me, we had a blast.. Usually mother doesn't let me go out alone just incase i get dizzy, tired, blah blah, etc.. Okay she is right i do get very tired when i go out and have to rest every so often and keep on drinking water.. Couple months back i went out by myself and almost fainted in the street :/

Aint it funny!! I lived more than 5 years alone and now i can't even go out by myself.. Ahh sweet independence where art thou.. ilmohim told mother i'm going out by myself i need some me time.. I need to feel that i can take care of myself and dont need her or my cousins or friends to keep an eye on me while out and about..

So here is what happened, got dressed, coloured my face with makeup (doing the eyebrows was difficult as there is only half of them left ) covered my semi-gar3a with a colourful scarf and headed out.. I took myself shopping and had lunch all alone and then some more shopping.. I spent about 4 hours out.. Yes i got very tired, it was pissing rain, and felt weak BUT i was alone.. I was taking care of myself without the help of anyone.. I was walking around the masses without being the cancer patient with 2 tumours.. I was just a woman defined by what she's wearing not what her illness is..

To you, you might think so what 4 hours alone!? To a person whos life has changed and must follow strict rules 24/7 it means the world.. It means i can do what i want as i want when i please and my illness cant say fuck all about it..

Anywhos i try every 2 weeks to go shopping and buy a new thing to wear for Chemo Tuesday :/ adri kilish mala da3y bs it became kinda a ritual kinda thingy.. And if a7is eny ta3bana i buy a couple for the next sessions.. Its quiet sad in a way, its like my own 3eed that i dress up for with new clothing :/ im going to go and get poisned and i turn it into a fashionable thing.. Well who said you cant be chemo'd in style :p

Possibly ra7 a7rig everything i wore to chemo when cured inshallah :/


On a different note, you people keep on saying i should write a book about what am going through.. Honestly i find it funny as who wants to read such a depressing book! Mind you its a dream of mine to publish a book one day.. But the plan was get PhD then write a book about politics.. Well that dream is fucked for now.. So okay why not?! A book about cancer you say?? Fine throw some ideas at me and let me see if i can do it.. So are we talking like a diary kinda book?or how to beat cancer kinda book? Or what exactly??

You know ive got just a month left of treatment and i tell you its becoming more difficult with each passing day, o inshallah its just a month o i get cured and won't need more.. I really do need something to take my mind off freaking out and this might just be it! Yala do your part and tell me what should i include in this "book".. Eee mo bs et7al6mon do this and do that yala let the ideas start rolling in..

As for now i shall hit the sack cuz bthab6 ana tfachacht mn et3ab and possibly gona crawl to the room mo amshy :p 3afya la7ad yabchy am kidding i can still stand tall but with no heels hehe.. Good night my darlings.. And Good Fabulous Morning to you all.. And remember if i can still smile.. YOU can all SMILE :)

p.s. you are not welcomed in this blog.. Kindly leave and don't return here.. Exit at the top of the screen..


ولاّدة سابقاً ... رانيا السعد ...رانية المنيفي حسب الأوراق الرسمية said...

ها أنت تكتبين كتابك بين صفحات مدونتك
كل ما تحتاجين هو مجرد تنقيح بسيط لإزالة الكلمات العربية المكتوبة بالحروف الأنجليزية وترجمتها للانجليزية

ويبقى القاريء بانتظار صور فوتوغرافية لمشاعرك عند تلقي خبر الشفاء بإذن الله

التزين لجلسة الكيماوي رسالة حب للحياة ترسلينها بوضوح وشجاعة
كم أنتِ رائعة

Danderma said...

Who are you telling not to cry? Chinna naqza 7g awadm? haa?


Glad you had a personal 4 hours for your self to spend. a few more weeks insha2 Allah o you will have all the hours in the world to feel like FourMe again... goolay ameen!

Snow said...

4 hours alone doing whatever you want sounds like heaven to me!! I'm glad you were able to get 'me' time, it is necessary even for those who are not fighting the biggest fight of their lives.

As for the really should do it...I love you way you write. You could just publish your posts as someone suggested, or you can write in your smart ass, sarcastic, funny, smart way about cancer and how you are dealing with it (include the Arabic here and there, I like it!) whatever way you choose to go, the book will be a great read.

Glitter said...

Hey, my sister just called me laughing telling me she was the anonymous who suggested you publish a book :D

You don't need any ideas babe, you got it all there. Your Journey with Cancer..

All you need now is to tone some words down a bit and make it PG ;)

Sumaiah said...

Yes please publish a book about everything! Just daily or weekly entries or from chemo to chemo chapters. That's a book that I'd love to read :)

God only knows how much you deserve that time with yourslef, yallah kelha a month and u'll have all the time in the world inshallah :)

Anonymous said...

haw mino eli exit shesalfa :P

o ba3deen shareteli shesma?? :P dare i say it ? hahahaha


Anonymous said...


P.S: Alright if you say so.

Yours Truly said...

Like what Glitter said. Make a PG version of this blog and that's it :P put in more details of how you felt ever since this started. Include details of how your closed and loved ones reacted and how they supported you. Write down your blogging experience. I would love a daily journal kind of book

Jacqui said...

Awesome job on the Me Date day :D It was fun reading how you had fun even though it was tiring bs in the end it was worth it to see a smile on your face even crawling back into your room inshalla doom you're smiling :*

As for the book, I have a bunch of ideas :P Well not a bunch really but the one that just popped in my head and won't leave is a book that can be labelled in parts:

Volume 1: The Discovery
Volume 2: The Reactions
Volume 3: The Journey to Recovery
Volume 4: The Hardships
Volume 5: The Encouragements
Volume 6: The Cure (Inshalla ya rab after those last 2 you won't need anymore!) [Still not sure about the name though]
Volume 7: The Aftermath
Volume 8: Words of Wisdom (sort of what you would tell others about this whole journey after coming back to Kuwait inshalla and being cured and facing your life again)

The next book would be entitled "I battled Cancer and Won, But it Changed my Life" LOL! And you would write about everything that happened after that battle was over :P

Shrayech anfa3 aseeer Idea Thrower? :P

Social Butterfly said...

Just put your blog posts in a book and and a few words here a few words there and voila you have a book!!

You have everything written here... Call it My life as a cancer patient.. From the day you found out you have cancer till the day the doctor tells you "you are cancer free"

You should start putting it together if you have the energy lana in about a month or two, the doctor will tell you that you're cancer free..

Anonymous said...

mani 3arfa a3abir bs bqolich iny 7addi kayaft that u had some "me myself" time o0 u enjoyed it :D sij i'm soo excited for u!
from your writing i can tell that u had a blast... loved that sense of humor o 3asa doom ;**

Anonymous said...

A diary book would be great! Everyone who's going through a difficult situation wants to read about those who have gone through the same. So if you write a book you'll help many :)


JACK ASS said...

Hi Fourme . Long time I am coming back. You know I have had no words at all .

How do you do. You know I cant imagine the strength it takes to be strong like you. I hope you get cured after this month.

You remember we had gotten familiar online and after the cancer I have absolutely had no words at all. I just want you to know that Every time I log-in to read blogs , I Just see your link and think about what to say and I have absolutely no words. But that never stop me remember you.

At the same time I don't want you think I feel sympathy for you. I know you are very strong. It is just I don't handle this very well because I have OCD.

All the best fourme.
Your huge Fan

Anonymous said...

Basically, turn your blog into a book. Your posts are beautiful and touching, even when you're angry.

I guess you would start each chapter with one your blog posts, and then maybe put in what you did not share with us. If you had an inspirational comment, you could highlight it.

At the end, a photo-journal, if youre documenting these things.. Show it all, the good and the heart-wrenching.

.. you are in my prayers!

Anonymous3 said...

i hope that you and every single cancer patient defeats this illness, it's despicable. It AMAZES me how strong you are mashalla, stay that way! I hope you get through this! I'm glad you had those 4 hours to yourself, it seems like you needed them. Fight it. I will pray for you. I really really wish you beat it. Inshalla you live a really long life with nothing to worry about.

SHOOSH said...

مادري شكتب

بس المرض صعب

و الحاجه للغير أصعب

و العجز و الشعور بالخوف متعب

مابي أتفلسف و أقولج أحس باللي تحسين فيه

بس يمكن احس بربعه بس

و ربع الاحساس هذا حرمني نوم ليالي كثيره

و قعدني بالبيت مرات

و ابعدني عن كل من أحب

حتى كانت لي وقفه مع النفس ..و بوم تحت و بوم فوق .. وفي النهاية عوده

الله يشافيج

و يعافيج

و يرد لج صحتج و عافيتج بأقرب وقت ممكن

ودعائي لج بكل صلاة و بكل مره تطرين فيها على بالي

لا اعرفج ولا تعرفنيني

ولما أدعي أقول ياربي تشافي فورمي


تتوقعين الله يدري اني اقصدج ؟؟

أكيد دعائي بيوصل

وربي ما راح يضيع طريجج

و شكرا

و بس عاد قلبناها دراما


انا امي مريضة سرطان .. و لما اتغشمر معاها و ابيها تشد حيلها

كنت اقول لها بس عاد قووومي

كلها كانسر


reemas said...

who wanna read ur book ?
it should and will be read by both the healthy and the sick.
the healthy should read it to appreciate what they r having .. يحسون بنعمة الصحة اللي هم فيها
so they can stop nagging about small or even big problems.
and the sick should read it.. so they can learn from u how to deal with their illness. the positive attitude. how to be a fighter.

i really see in ur posts a good book..all the ideas r there in the posts. just start organizing and editing.
and i think it should be as it is a diary that made us all join u and feel u in this journey.

goodluck :)

Rumaitha said...

4 hours alone is really something. Glad you had some #me# time alone with the world.

As for the book, you are actually writing it in your blog. You just need to refine it a bit and trust me you have a book, your personal experience and battle with cancer.
Speedy recovery inshallah

the boudoir. said...

first of all u made my day with this post! im glad u went out even being dead tired and alone..i think u needed it..7imdila nothing happened while u were alone

second of all, a book is a great not sure if i was one of the ones who mentioned it..but ppl would read it, same way they read this blog..those who're going thru the same bad esperience, thoe who love reading bios..we always like to read the lives of ppl going through bad times, just because it shows us life isnt perfect some go thru the worse anyone can go thru or just to show were not alone, and our shit may not b as bad after all..anywayz itha malich khilg..just collect the posts as a daily diary kind of book like u mentioned..

RainDrop said...

I got u a title.. "From a Chemo patient who got cured" :P

wallah u should write a book, ur writing is so good it's addictive! I can read and read and read ur posts without getting bored.. Actually, as depressed as u r, ur kind of inspiring to others.. kaif? I'll tell u.. You're telling people exactly what's going on with cancer patients. Not any patient, an arabic muslim girl patient.. we always read or watch movies of non muslim cancerians.. bs would they b as honest as u r? or would they b as filled with faith as u r? i dont think so..

falsafah i know :P bas 3adi 9a7?!

Ok i know this is irrelevant.. but i know what 4 hours of YOU and JUST YOU would feel.. I rarely have those myself.. yes for a different reason, a much better one el 7imdellah.. bas it is still needed! I have a 1 year daughter, and i'm kind of against maids taking care of my child if am around.. :P So, i go to work from 7:30 till 2:30, pick my daughter up from my parents' house and go home.. and spend the rest of my day till she sleeps with her.. 6ab3an by the time she's asleep am too tired to get up.. fa i sleep :P

U know what u need now?! 4 hours with ppl who wont fuss over u.. ppl who'd just enjoy a shopping day with u.. bdoon thinking of ur illness.. bas chethee.. doing what u used to do when u weren't going thru what ur going thru now.. fahmeh 3alay?! bas a day out with the girls.. a normal fun day full of jokes, laughter, ma95arah :P aham shay el ma95arah..!

i talk wayed.. hehe sry!!

DuchessX said...

the style should be quotes from ur blog, ur thoughts n feelings then peoples reactions, ur own etc and if u dont want it to be depressing use ur humor u always manage to make us laugh n cry at the same time here! best of luck xxx
oh and any inspiring moments that kept u going!!