I try to forget that I am sick sometimes and just live my life as a "normal healthy" person.. Do chores around the house, go out once in a blue moon, go to the supermarket, and just pretend I'm fine.. I don't push myself because once my body is tired its TIRED! And whether or like it or not you'll see me lose energy and drop to the floor in an instance, so I run to my bed and rest it off..
Some days I feel fine so I do extra work around the house to keep me busy.. But mother objects because she doesn't want me to get tired.. She said something yesterday that just hit me to the core.. It was like a wake up call all over again.. I was washing the dishes she came in and gave me a little lecture about stop doing that blah blaaaah, and then she said "You are taking your illness lightly, did you forget what you have?" Yes I honestly forget or try to forget what it is! I have Cancer but I don't feel like its CANCER! The illness that scares people to death! Maybe when you have it God blesses you with acceptance that you don't acknowledge how scary and terrifying it is and you just feel like you've got the flu! I know its a deadly disease and trust me physically I'm in worse shape then I sound on blog or twitter.. I just don't wanna talk about how crappy the side effects are.. Its not easy, its painful, its hell, side effects are fucking my body to hell and back, etc.. But what am I to do? Hide under a rock?! Fuck NO!! I'm living with it I have no choice but to accept it and just cope.. At times I feel maybe I should be more positive so I can beat it.. But for now am doing my best in this manner..
Yesterday I was at Sainsbury's getting some stuff, it was so hot that I felt I'm about to faint and could barely walk.. I got home and straight away I head to bed and slept for 2 hours.. My body was so weak and shattered, I had a piercing migraine, and even breathing felt like too much.. That's Cancer, when it wants to attack you, it attacks every ounce of energy you've got to a point where you have to obey it like a bitch.. If I got home not went to bed and stayed up I would most probably be in hospital now.. I've learned when to listen to it and when I can be a little deviant and run around doing little chores and being normal here and there..
Is it strength? Is it my will to fight it and be normal again? Is it the fighter in me that hates giving up? Is it a blessing from God? Or is it the Steroid medication I'm on that's giving me this energy to fight Cancer? I honestly don't know.. And hope its not the Steroids because I'm coming off them this week and my state is gonna get much worse.. At the end of the day I just want to be healthy and normal again and with God's will I will do whatever it takes to beat it.. Pray that I have more strength to see this through till the end inshallah..
p.s. Thank you Glitter for the lovely email!! Truly you made my day and made me smile :*