Blessing

I listened to it 12 times.. 12 times it played into my ears and felt it moving through my body, into my blood, the words carried through my veins alongside with chemo destroying my Cancer. Believe you me I felt the words of Surat AlBaqarah are what cured me and destroyed my Cancer and not Chemotherapy..

From my first chemo session till the last(the 12th) I listened to it. The second they push in my pre-chemo meds I switch AlBaqarah on my phone and listen to it till the last drop of chemo has entered my veins, usually it lasts for 2 hours and that's how long my chemo took, yet there were times where I listened to it twice because I'd have complications and chemo lasts double its duration..

With Surat AlBaqarah and only it and ra7mat Allah I was able to withstand this horrible disease and its torturous chemo.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala n3mat elQuran.

الحمدلله

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

*And I'm born AGAIN :D

Allllffffff e9alaaaaaat w salaaaaaaam 3alaaik ya 7abeeeeb AlllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH w mo7amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaD Gololooo0o0o0o0oo0oo0o00oo0oo0o0o0o0o0ooooooooooooo0o0o00oo0ooo0oo0o0o0olllllooooooooooooooooshhhhh hehhehee yes yanait ela shway :p la laa I take that back yanait rasmiii :D Far7ty b3omry akthar mn ay fr7a fra7t'ha mn gabil aw bfra7ha :)))) YA RABI YA KAREEM TAMIM 3ALAY HAL FAR7A :*

*I am 1 day old!! Forever now my birthday will be known as 19/11/2010.

*Alf il7amdillah :)

*I still cannot believe it ! Hehehee I'm still in shocking shock :p I don't even know what to write! Well let's start with this...

I FourMe with God's will I beat Cancer :D
I beat Stage 4 Cancer :D
I beat Hodgkin's Lymphoma :D
I beat 2 tumours :D
I beat 12 PAINFUL Chemotherapy sessions :D
I beat hair loss, weight gain, breathlessness, high blood pressure, high heart rate. PAIN. Like no other paaaain.
(1tumour is still there and some stuff around heart and other on spine and all that but NO active Cancer for now, I will be scanned every 3 months)

I BEAT CANCER BEFORE 30 :D
I AM A SURVIVOR :D

And for now:

I AM IN REMISSION :D

Bfathil rabi elkareeem o do3akom tshafait.. ALF IL7AMDILLAH ALF IL7AMDILLAH ALF IL7AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLAAAAAH :**

ربي اسألك رضاك عني و توفيقك بالدنيا و الآخره و أن لا تجعل بقلبي غيرك و أن تعينني على ذكرك و حسن عبادتك

‏​‏​‏​يارب انت الشافي والكافي والمعافي فاشفي مرضى المسلمين من كل داء وعافهم وأتم شفاءهم يا أرحم الراحمين
Ya rabi ya 7abeebi ya kareem tshafi mrtha el3alam kilhom Alahoma AMEEEEEN.

لا اله الا الله لا اله الا الله لا اله الا الله

I'm Pending

Let's make this short..
12 Chemotherapy sessions done..
1000 pills a day done..
Scans, bloods, and more scans done..

Results? No clue yet :'(

I've had enough of sickness and don't think i will be able to take more..

Allah kareem.. What's done is done..

And what's meant to happen will happen..

Can't escape my destiny..

il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

TimeOut

This is truly what I needed.. A break from the horrid treatment and all the sickness, needle poking, tension, sadness, depression, and endless cancer related crap.. 3asa Alah la y3oda..

The girls have truly truly made this trip worth it! I don't have time to a7ik my gar3a mn kethir eloya, if it's not the girls, it's the other girls, if it's not close family, it's family friends, if it's family friends, it's distant relatives. 6ab3an ely yz3al mn 9ob wily ytsharah mn 9ob etc.. Ely ygol ana yaya agtheha zwarat! I need FUN not formalities!! Almost every day I'm out breakfast, lunch, and dinner.. Funny thing is trying to make time for people by making plans and cancelling plans, I'm over booking and double booking people :p

Got my scans soon, honestly I'm not so optimistic about them, had several nose bleeds since I got back, did some blood tests, and so far I gotta wait it out. Dunno just fed up of all the sickness crap, I don't wanna go through more treatments :( Wayd ta3abt wnhad 7aily.. Ppl get the flu and complain and I had to endure 12th long and painful sessions :(

Plz plzzzzzz God let me be cured plz I beg of you let it all disappear and never come back.. I wanna move on with my life.. I wana live what comes in good health and joy, yakfeny sadness and ta3ab.. Ppl preach about my illness and wish they're in my place just for the ajir.. Ya talk is cheap, lo y7oshkom flu t't3boon let alone what I have and how destructive it is..

Ely eyee mn Alah 7ayah Alah, if am cured alf il7amd and if not ham alf il7amd.. Alah 3a6a w Alah khatha.. Am doing ely 3alay w akthar..I'm in God's hands o 3alaih twkalt..

The Laugh

This whole ordeal has taught me many things and changed me in many ways. It taught me how to appreciate having a sip of water and not feeling nauseas, waking up in the morning and being able to eat, being able to walk without the aid of anyone. Those little things people take for granted but for someone like me I become extremely happy when I can do and enjoy such.

Most importantly it taught me happiness, contentment, and joy. Before I was diagnosed and got this sick I used to laugh at something funny, conversation, or what have you. I laughed yet I NEVER felt truly happy, I'd laugh on the outside yet on the inside I was sad (because of many reasons). My happiness was never complete because I was unhappy.

Fast forward to pain, cancer, chemotherapy, and physical/mental pain like you can't ever imagine, and I'm happy. When I laugh nowadays I feel the joy in my heart, I feel my insides giggle with joy, for once I truly feel the happiness and joy of laughter! When I laugh I truly laugh, even my laugh sounds different! Alf il7amdillah that through this misery I was blessed to see and experience the simplest joys of life that I took for granted when I was "Normal".

I wish you all joyous laughter that makes you understand what happiness is..

To laughing my dears..
Cheers..

Day 171/700th Post

It's quite odd not having to worry about chemo tuesday! Tomorrow will be the first time I won't have to wake up and get ready for Chemo Tuesday since 15th of May!! Since then my life was planned out for me, Tuesday chemo, in pain and depression till Sunday, nausea and fatigue hit till friday, Saturday till Monday I feel kinda "normal" and Tuesday back to chemo and so on.. For the past 5 months this was my life..

Now I dunno what to do! I don't have needles poking, veins to worry about, or just cancer related crap!

On a different note, my hair looks spasticated :/ From the back it's growing. And from the top it's falling!! Ysta3bi6 9a7!!

Dunoo what else.. I'm kinda lost.. I miss the old me.. But I like the sick me, she's proven against all odds that she's a tough cookie mashallah 3alay..

You know what I find silly; people are fretting about the most trivial things, can't find the right bag, so and so said so and so, lame ass girly things etc. And here I am fighting for my right to live while others cry over spilt milk! Not belittling anyone's problems but honest to God some ma3indhom salfa! But maybe that's how it is, if God blessed u with a good health u have nothing to worry about apart from crying about not finding the right lip gloss!

I like November.. Inshallah I'll hear good news in it and inshallah 2010 fucks off, Alah la y3odha. Shino sena ta3eesa :/

Well I'm running low on motivation and kinda convinced I'm not cured and will need more treatment.. INSHALLAH I won't need it bs the thought is there :/

p.s. This is my 700th post ! Damn I talk too much!!

In Limbo!

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

~Mahatma Ghandi

- It has been 10 days since my last chemo yet I'm still very tired.. Was the toughest by far. And I still haven't fully recovered, usually by friday I'm fine but seems this one still got couple more days of exhaustion in it..

- I feel exactly like the picture above! I have s0 much love for the world, so much I want to achieve, and s000 much LIFE to LIVE yet I can't do any.. I feel bolted in my place literally waiting for ra7mat Rabi tanzil 3alay and cures me.. I can't move nor do a thing.. I'm held captive against my wishes.. I don't like this feeling..

- Between you and I, I'm terrified of the results because I feel I'm not cured yet and probably will need more treatment Alah la ygool :/ Inshallah bthin Rabi akon tshafait..

- I HATE the waiting process :( I just wanna know and get it over with.. Can't wait till bloody end of Nov!

- Momkin 6alab? If any of you or m3arfkom ray7en el7aj please ma3alaikom amor tgolonlhom yd3oly hal marath yroo7 miny o 3omra mayridly.. I can't go through it again ta3abt :(

- Ya Rabi ya kareem alf il7amd lik 3ala kil 7al alf il7amd lik 3ala n3mtik. Alf il7amd 3ala elta3ab o hal marath. Alf il7amd alf il7amd :)

Chemo-12! THE FINALE!!

- 12 CHEMO'S DOWN.. ZERO TO GO!! ALF IL7AMDILLAAAAAAAAAAH :))))))
- I DID IT !! WE DID IT!!
- You know the drill, I'll surface back up again in couple of days..
- Tried to sum it up in short.. It all started here:

"Happy birthday to me. I turned 29.
And I just found out I have cancer." Kicked off back in May when I was told I have Stage 4 Cancer.. And that's when the journey started, 5 months of utter hell, pain, and struggle..

I FourMe withstood Stage 4 Cancer, 2 tumours, affected lymph nodes, liver, spine, abdomen, part of bones lower back. Muscle aspiration (biopsy, while awake). Operation for 3 biopsies. And the MOST PAINFUL experience on the planet Bone Marrow Biopsy :'(

Withstood a YEAR long of PAIN along with being unable to diagnose. 12 Chemotherapy sessions! 2 suffocations. Lung failure scares. Hundreds of blood tests. Blacking out. Humiliation. Breathlessness. Hair loss. Change in figure. Endless X-Rays, MRI's, CT-Scans, and PET scan. Possibility of never having children. Shoulder scare. Pains and aches. Depression. Tiredness. Lethargy. Exhaustion. Heart scare. CONTINUOUS NAUSEA for 6 months! Medication from 7 to 21 pills a day!! PEG injection (most painful injection on planet).

Had 10 and 20 year long friends stop asking about me because I'm sick! My supposed love of my life and soulmate ex, heard I have cancer and did NOT even send me a text msg saying salmat (probably he forgot the time I held his hands while he was scared to have blood tests done)!! Some other so called friends backed off gradually.

Withstood seeing the pain I'm causing my mother and her desperation of seeing her only daughters' life threatened with Cancer. Pain caused aunts and loved ones.

Withstood signing papers consenting to chemotherapy and acknowledging the damage it could cause me, terminal damage and fatality.. And took OFF my bra in Marks & Spencer's food hall !

What have you been up to in the last 5 months? I tell you one thing I went to hell and I came back.. I was tortured in every way possible, physically, mentally, and emotionally.. I've learned more in 5 months than I have learned in 29 years..

I learned that I am beyond strong esmillah 3alay, I learned I can go through anything and come out standing. I learned that when God loves you he tests you.

Dear God, my only wish and hope is I won't need more than 12 sessions and I will be cured with your will. If this is not what you want I fully accept it and willing to go through what you have destined for me. I feel young I want to do so much yet if you have other plans for me then so be it. Thank you God for my family, friends, and wonderful strangers who were there for me during this extremely rough time. Thank you for my cancer, thank you for my pain that taught me to be happy, thank you for letting me go through so much chemo and still come out of it alive and kicking. Alf ALF ALF il7amdillah 3ala n3mtik. Alf il7amd lik ya rabi alf il7amd :)

My results should come out end of November.. Till then I FourMe am eternally grateful to each person that left me a comment, email, tweet, or prayed for me in silence.. Thank you, you made a sick girl very happy during the roughest time in her life, much appreciated and God will reward you one way or the other for your generosity :*

I am 29 years old and I WILL beat Cancer with God's will before I'm 30 INSHALLAH!!

Alf ALF il7amdillah..

FourMe Over and OUT :)

the 1 about hair

I was and still one who is content with what I have. Yes I always wanted to gain weight and had a love/hate relationship with my knees, but over all I love me just the way I am, grey hair and all..

Cutting my hair and preparing for the bald patches was probably 1 of the toughest things I had to deal with within Cancer. I always did the impossible to have healthy hair and loved its soft texture and length.. I simply love/ loved my hair.

Waking up in the morning looking in the mirror seeing my scalp peaking at me through the scattered hairs across my skull is like a stab to the heart every morning..

Now let's talk about the things that shouldn't be said. I don't envy people, il7amdillah I don't have that in me because am content with what I have, the good and bad. But these days when I go out and see girls with beautiful hair I look away. Akhaf I look at them anthilhom aw nafsy t9eer eb sh3arhom la sh3oreyan. Every time I see such I say mashallah alah ya7fthich, even if she's English and look away.

Other day mother saw a girl with phenomenal hair mashallah and told me look at her. I looked at the floor and told her mama I can't look akhaf 3ala elbnaya, waited till she passed then looked up. Mabi kha6ry y9eer eb hal shay bs I can't walk around all the time looking at the floor :/

Hosha

Had a fight with Cancer on twitter and thought should repost here for those who missed it :p

Dear Cancer,
You have 1 chemo session to get cured and fuck off! If not I will shove my hand in and yank my tumours OUT myself. Fuck u Cancer. Fuck u Stage 4. Fuck u 2 tumours. And last but not least FUCK U Chemotherapy! Motherfucking asswipe bitching whores! I'm tired of this bullshit and I WON'T allow u to take host in my body! Your time is up bitch.. Fuck yourself into extinction like N0W. Now u son of a whore, I will get my hair back, I will get my health back INTACT, I will get my kickass figure back. And I will destroy YOU. Really Cancer did ya think u can destroy me?! You're messing with the wrong bitch! Wonder woman has nothing on me!! I will ruin u, u bastard. Really did u think I will hide under my bed n give into u?!!! Oh how u are mistaken! I SHALL kill u, destroy your fucked cells and masses! Bitch plz ur nothing but deformed cells! I AM ME. I am a Person whom will squash u. You really picked the wrong person to fuck with! I'll make u sorry, I'll teach u a lesson so u never return. YOU took over me thinking u will ruin me but guess what?? I'm stronger than ever and happier than ever! Bring it ON bitch let's see what u got?! 2 tumours?! That's all!! Really did u think that would destroy me?? Huh! Loser. U know what u motherfucker ur time is UP! Time for u to fuck off back into non-existence. Piece of bird poo that's what u r! Ana FourMe wil agra 3ala Alah! Grown men fear me u piece of deformed cells! U dumb ass bitch! Did u not know that I'll fuck u sideways! U moron u picked the wrong person u cunt! Cancer the whore that is YOU!!

Regards,
Your KILLER!

p.s. Loving those tags! If anyone comes across them plz tell me where I can get them..
p.p.s. Yes I have a foul mouth and NO that's not why I got cancer!
p.p.p.s. Stop reading my blog! You're NOT welcomed here!

Support System

Before all this begun I used to hear about how important support is to help you through tough times.. Me being the person who detests sharing her feelings with others thought this was bull crap!!

Little did I know that support was beyond crucial during such times! I'm blessed truly blessed mashallah to be surrounded with people that love me this much and willing to support me.. Now family support that's given.. My aunts keep going back and forth to be around me.. Friends well i dont want to call them friends because there are 2 whom i will consider sisters till the last day of my life o madri shlon a6la3 mn yzahom.. My Turkish friend and my other girlfriend whom did the impossible and came to London, those 2 ladies are beyond amazing!

My support system doesn't end there it's just the beginning.. Anony, Zawi, and Soulo the crazy chick.. Those 3 are irreplaceable, they are my 3 precious gifts from God that I will cherish for eveeeeer... Wait doesn't end there! Here comes in my dearest Danderma and Palomino whom I absolutely adore :*

Hold on I'm not done :p Now not only I am loved and supported by all the fabulous people I have mentioned above but God has blessed me, truly blessed me il7amdillah by letting strangers, bloggers and readers whom I have never met to support me blindly and support me every inch of the way! Sometimes I wonder what have I done in my life to deserve s0 much love from people I know and don't know! I even asked mother the same question, her response was "you're a good person that never hurt anyone".. Of course no one is perfect and I have my bad moments but yes I do consider myself a good person and as a reward God has blessed me with the love of hundreds of people from family, friends, bloggers, and strangers.. Now do you see why I say il7amdillah?

All of you who have "figuratively speaking" held my hands through this tough time, by reading, praying, or simply asking about me are my support system, which is priceless.. Any person going through a life changing phase needs support and especially if it's cancer, they need all the help they can get.. So yes my darlings you all are my rock.. You all are the thing that keeps me on my feet and pushes me forward to beat this bastard.. To you a comment is bunch of words.. To me its much more.. It's strength, it is a force, it is an unseen helping hand that pats me on the back and tells me 'we are here for you'.. I swear to you, you will never know how your support has gotten me through some really tough times. Around May when it was truly bad, I can't remember who left a comment.. I would be on the floor passed out from morphine or fuck knows what drug they had me on and have no energy to move, I remember that comment and force myself to focus even though I was dizzy and as good as dead, I'd pick myself up and try to cope with it.. It got me through rough times.. And it was simply a comment.. I think it was by Cateyes but i don't remember now.. There are comments that bring me to tears.. Tears of joy that I have such love and support from the unknowns :)

I wish I can do something in return, but I can't instead in my prayers I pray to God to bless and protect every person that has raised their hands to God and prayed for me.. Rabi ywafgkom dinya w akhra :*

Alf il7amdillah 3ala hal ni3ma ely matqdar ebthman..

Much Appreciated my darlings :*

Love FourMe..

Follow Me?!

Seeing I don't have the energy to post very often I tend to ramble on twitter more.. I tend to tweet about anything and everything, yell, scream, shout, useless info, and bitch about pain and chemo.. The odd thing is more and more people tend to follow me on daily basis! Now I'm quite intrigued as to why I'm followed?! Who wants to hear bad news? Who wants to be reminded of their loved ones that went through the same path I'm going through? Who wants to hear a girl bitch about pains and aches?!

As i tweeted this afternoon about the crappy news that something is wrong with both my shoulders and possibly either cancer reached or some other fucked up thing happened, I noticed how many people felt bad, yes it might be just a tweet or what have you, but I believe some might actually got bothered with the news.. Apologies for fucking up part of your day.. Yet this is not it, its what a fellow tweeter said @fms3: bas 5ala9 354 followers mala da3ee et.thaygeen 5ilgna kilna, cheer up 3ashan il 354 followers will cheer up too :D

This made me wonder Why would you want to follow such a miserable tweeter like me? Ely ma3indaha salfa ghair elcancer :/

Day 148!

- Annnnnnnnndd I'm FREE :D Free from what you might be asking? Free from the hellish days of chemo, or more commonly known as the "bad days".. I kid you not when I say it is that of jail.. From the second they disconnect the chemo machine I enter a trance.. A trance where I'm awake yet not awake, aware yet not aware, all I hear is a gushing sound in my ears.. I cannot concentrate on anything even if my life dependant on it, I tend to ramble and unable to complete sentences.. I cannot walk a straight line :/ I feel like I'm locked in a glass container or in a bubble secluded from everyone yet I am around them. By the 2nd day depression hits, I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, it is indescribable, it is one of the most horrible feelings ever.. I don't even want to go into detail and explain how it feels because it is truly suffocating.. Nonetheless its Sat morning and there you go I've broken free from my captive.. The horrid chemo! Mind you I'm still not fully recovered, as fatigue, and loss of taste, and exhaustion, but I am OUT of that well! Thank God for that.. Alf ALLLLFFFF il7amdillah :)

- Ok so am near the end inshallah.. Yet I am worried as hell I would need more treatment.. Inshallah khair and inshallah I won't need more..

- I got one comment from DuchessX asking "oh and any inspiring moments that kept u going!" Well my dear, life kept me going. Life itself in its beauty and ugliness in its pain and happiness.. I have so much I want to achieve that I am no where near hiding under my bed and not taking every goddamn treatment there is to rid me of this monster.. Inshallah no one goes through it but the second you hear on the phone you have cancer, your world Halts! Complete and utter stop, choice is you die, or live? Its either or.. I chose to live and pay the highest of high prices of pain and torture.. i wouldn't wish Chemotherapy on Hitler from how painful it is.. Yet if this is what it takes to keep me alive and kicking then trust me i will take it and take it while standing.. yes it has brought me to my knees and shattered me, ruined me, and destroyed parts of me, yet I tell you its damn worth it.. Worth waking up one day knowing you don't have a deadline on your life.. Yes we could all drop dead any second but it ain't the same when you've got this horrid illness.. I hope i answered your question and made sense, in my head it does but don't forget am still dazed from chemo :/

- Oh and you see that picture above? Yes that is exactly how I feel after the hellish days pass.. I feel freedom.. I feel alive again like I have just been pulled out of the land of the dead.. Dear God how horrible it is on that end.. Yet for now, for tomorrow, for this second I am alive and kicking.. I will kick and kick and kick and kick till I kick this bastard out of me! Huh!! Cancer!? Just watch and see you damned disease.. I SHALL BEAT YOU INSHALLAH!!

Hell of ALL Hells

How do I put this in words? It was indescribable, it ranks 3rd most painful experience in my life. 1. Bone marrow biopsy. 2. Peg injection to boost my immune system (like a million bees stinging u all at once). 3. 11th Chemo.

Dear lord have mercy it was painful, enshala3 galby mn mokana, t3athabt 3athab ma ba3da 3athab! Lo thab7a alf wa7id atwqa3 Alah ghafarly on tuesday :'(

God has blessed me with an amazing 6th sense, from the moment I woke up I knew it I felt it, that it won't be a good day but I tried telling myself don't be such a pessimist! I dunno when I'll start listening to my gut! I'll spare you the entire day action cuz I'm too tired to write. It started with the first cannula, nurse puts it in and it aches, but I thought FourMe stop being a kid shut it and tolerate a bit of pain, seeing you don't have any veins left. Well I wasn't being a kid and the pain escalated and had to have it taken out. And have a second one put in. Some more dunking arm in boiling water and we barely find a vein.. I take 3 chemo's and now time for the final 4th one which by itself takes an hour. Nurse hooks it up and I scream like I never screamed before! Slowed it down from an hour to 1.5 hours PAIN, over 2 hours more screams and pain, 2.5 hours still indescribable pain so had to be removed.

That was one scream and cry from 5:30 till 8pm. I cried for my life. I cried for 5 months of chemotherapy torture. I cried for 5 months of nausea. I cried for 2 tumours worth. I cried for my youth. I cried for my life that hasn't begun and seeing literally get shattered in front of my eyes. I cried for having cancer at 29. I cried for every pain and ache I experienced this year. I cried for 3 hours non-stop..

In between all the crying they had to cannulate me for the 3rd time. I don't have any veins left on right arm, and left arm I didn't let them take blood from my hand and took from upper arm. Meaning if they use the wrong vein the chemo will literally squirt out of my arm! Rabi r7amny and they found a vein and finished rest of chemo. In between that a doctor had to come and prescribe morphine for the pain. 3 nurses were working on me. A lady infornt of me taking chemo started crying everytime they cannulate me, I'd look at her and she would cross her fingers in hope they'd find a vein.

One of nurses came over and told me what have you done to your nurse?! Apparently the woman was having a nervous breakdown from how much I broke her heart! My friend was trying to make me comfortable while I see her tears drop on my chair. I kept crying and laughing in the same time. I laughed at how hopeless I was and cried at how helpless I was. I cried cuz I was battling friggin chemo to the last drop!

Since tuesday I've been in a daze and still am. I need more time to recover. I have nothing more to say apart from wait for God's mercy..

Chemo- 11 (HELL)

- 11 Chemo's down.. ONE TO GO!

- I was tortured today, 3 times change of veins almost resulted in taking chemo in leg.

- I cried from 5 till 8:30, till last drop of chemo..

- Will tell you what happened soon.. Pray, or do whatever you like I don't care anymore and I don't think I will be cured with 12 sessions, doctors don't seem optimistic, so ya whatever.. il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

BraLessMe

I have lost it.. I FourMe have lost ALL 7aya w mosta7a (ok ma3thoora bs still) :/ and I thought I've been through it all with cancer haha apparently not!

Yesterday was feeling a bit blue so mother Rabi ykhaleha o y6awil eb 3omrha took me out all day long even though she is in unbearable pain from her back problem :/ ilmohim esalfa tyeekom ena I was exhausted and nearly fainted twice. So at one point after walking around Westfield we ended up in Marks & Spencer's food hall. All of the sudden I felt like dropping to the floor so I sat on some stool, put my head down, had some water, closed my eyes, dammit nothing was working!! I felt like I was being suffocated, I took off my bag, jacket, necklace, and bracelet.

Nope not helping! So at this moment where seated in full view of food shoppers I reach my back undo my bra, pull it out of my sleeves and throw it at my mother! Yes I took off my bra jdam Alah w khalga! 3afya 3alay :p Now funny part, mother was kinda in shock of what I just have done so she holds bra and looks at it like its about to speak any minute! Enzain ana mkhtanga o mast7y entay shmala maska elbra kho khsheha o stray 3alaina! No she's still holding it not knowing what to do with it! She stuffs it in her bag, then takes it out and stuffs it food shopping bag with my food! Why?! I'll never know..

Moral of story, if you're out and about and see a chick take off her bra and smacks ya with it, that'll be me :D Don't ya just LOVE cancer and what it makes ya do!

LittleMe

Sometimes you can't help but break down and drown yourself in your tears..

Helplessness.. Exhaustion.. Lethargy.. And simply physical and mental weakness..

But you either give in or dust yourself off and get up and resume the battle..

Cancer is a battle.. You either come out of it a living hero or a dead hero..

I'm going for a Living Hero..

Excuse me whilst I pick myself off the floor.. Wipe my tears.. And beat this bastard..

Chemo Party

You know sometimes I surprise myself at how accepting I am of my destiny and how I choose to live with it. I think that's what makes me so tolerant of taking chemo. Even my nurses say 12 chemos every 2 weeks is quite TOO much and more than what the average cancer patients gets (4 or 5 chemos, once a month).

Anyhow silly enough I look forward to chemo! Maybe it's because I wanna finish quickly or simply I know its a necessity that cannot be avoided. On chemo's tuesday I told you I make an effort to dress up, from new clothing, to make up, to new scarf for the head, to accessories. I wake in the hospital with a smile on my face and greetings to my nurses. But damn it once I sit down and look around the faces bloody hell do I get depressed!! There is not 1 single smile in the house!! You'd think they were at a funeral. Okay so maybe they're not far from it but we're here, most had multiple sessions and know the drill, nothing new nothing shocking. So why the gloom!? I look around the faces and smile and try to make conversation to break the tension of the room. I kid you not when I say I light up the room when I'm in it. Minutes later you see a ripple of laughter and convo's breaking out everywhere..

I made friends there mind you I'm 1 of the youngest that attend on tuesdays. My friends are 2 ladies in their 40s. 1 of them on first conversation where we were discussing my cancer she hugged me! Literally 5 minutes after meeting her! If this was another situation I would have probably smacked her as I don't like to be touched! But odd enough I hugged her back and put my head on her shoulder. She understood what I was going through, and probably because I look much younger than my age they tend to feel sorry for me.

There are 3 chemo rooms, main hall seats about 25 ppl, and 2 smaller rooms seat 4 patients each. I always choose to have my chemo in the smaller room, the hall is too depressing and sounds of machines indicating chemos finish going off every 2 seconds, annoys the hell out of me. So last chemo I open one of small rooms and tell nurses am having my chemo here, even though they didn't want to, but hell I bake them cakes they can't say no to me :p

After settling in I told my 2 friends to come and have chemo in my room, its quite a small room so imagine it was me, my turkish friend, both ladies with their husbands, 2 nurses, and later my cousin passed by. You literally had to jump on chairs to be able to walk. So what do I do? Start talking and joking with them to an extant we were causing too much noise that nurses kept coming in asking what's going on here!! Not only that but I open chemo bag and distribute chocolates, crisps, fruits, and cokes hehe yaa FourMe on a picnic :p I tell you it was nothing short of a party! Imagine 3 of us ladies hooked up to chemo machines joking, laughing, and eating! Why play dead when getting poisoned!! We all know we got 1 hell on painful week ahead of us to recover so I try to make the most of it :) One of their husbands told me you got a good mind on you, you're trying to make the most of it.

Well why not?! I try to make chemo day fun because the second I finish my last drop of chemo I will endure 10 days of absolute HELL that no one can imagine. It is beyond painful and soul torturing.. Yala alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al, 3athab ednya wla 3athab elakhra. Only thing is I really wish I won't need more than 12 sessions of chemo.. Alah ysahil inshallah, Alah sob7ana w ta3ala ma yensa a7ad o ra7mta was3a am sure ma ra7 yensany o ra7 yr7amny eb ra7mita inshallah :)

Me & Me

Today i took myself out on a date.. It was me and me, we had a blast.. Usually mother doesn't let me go out alone just incase i get dizzy, tired, blah blah, etc.. Okay she is right i do get very tired when i go out and have to rest every so often and keep on drinking water.. Couple months back i went out by myself and almost fainted in the street :/

Aint it funny!! I lived more than 5 years alone and now i can't even go out by myself.. Ahh sweet independence where art thou.. ilmohim told mother i'm going out by myself i need some me time.. I need to feel that i can take care of myself and dont need her or my cousins or friends to keep an eye on me while out and about..

So here is what happened, got dressed, coloured my face with makeup (doing the eyebrows was difficult as there is only half of them left ) covered my semi-gar3a with a colourful scarf and headed out.. I took myself shopping and had lunch all alone and then some more shopping.. I spent about 4 hours out.. Yes i got very tired, it was pissing rain, and felt weak BUT i was alone.. I was taking care of myself without the help of anyone.. I was walking around the masses without being the cancer patient with 2 tumours.. I was just a woman defined by what she's wearing not what her illness is..

To you, you might think so what 4 hours alone!? To a person whos life has changed and must follow strict rules 24/7 it means the world.. It means i can do what i want as i want when i please and my illness cant say fuck all about it..

Anywhos i try every 2 weeks to go shopping and buy a new thing to wear for Chemo Tuesday :/ adri kilish mala da3y bs it became kinda a ritual kinda thingy.. And if a7is eny ta3bana i buy a couple for the next sessions.. Its quiet sad in a way, its like my own 3eed that i dress up for with new clothing :/ im going to go and get poisned and i turn it into a fashionable thing.. Well who said you cant be chemo'd in style :p

Possibly ra7 a7rig everything i wore to chemo when cured inshallah :/

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On a different note, you people keep on saying i should write a book about what am going through.. Honestly i find it funny as who wants to read such a depressing book! Mind you its a dream of mine to publish a book one day.. But the plan was get PhD then write a book about politics.. Well that dream is fucked for now.. So okay why not?! A book about cancer you say?? Fine throw some ideas at me and let me see if i can do it.. So are we talking like a diary kinda book?or how to beat cancer kinda book? Or what exactly??

You know ive got just a month left of treatment and i tell you its becoming more difficult with each passing day, o inshallah its just a month o i get cured and won't need more.. I really do need something to take my mind off freaking out and this might just be it! Yala do your part and tell me what should i include in this "book".. Eee mo bs et7al6mon do this and do that yala let the ideas start rolling in..

As for now i shall hit the sack cuz bthab6 ana tfachacht mn et3ab and possibly gona crawl to the room mo amshy :p 3afya la7ad yabchy am kidding i can still stand tall but with no heels hehe.. Good night my darlings.. And Good Fabulous Morning to you all.. And remember if i can still smile.. YOU can all SMILE :)

p.s. you are not welcomed in this blog.. Kindly leave and don't return here.. Exit at the top of the screen..

Day 138!

- Day 1?? fuck knows.. Today was a super bad day.. My bestfriends mother was diagnosed with this fucking illness.. My heart broke to pieces, not only for her mother but for her :( I wish I can be there for her and support her through it but as u can see I'm still not done with my battle.. Ya rabi Alah yshafeha o y3afeha o y9abirha o y9abir 3yalha w ahalha..

- Sometimes for a split second I think why me?!! Why I go through this one hell of torture and experience while others my age are living their life to the fullest! Then I remember Alah 3a6a w Alah khatha.. God gave me this life and he has the right to take it back or do whatever he pleases with it.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala n3mta..

- Aham shay elnafseya ya FourMe. Nafsytich la tet3ab FourMe.. FourMe be optimistic! No9 el3laj elnafseya.. Tara shagaitony o shagaitaw nafseyty! There are times when ana fog enakhal o nafseyty is super good and I believe i can beat this crap.. But there are times where yes it hits me I've got bitching cancer and no its not easy, its tough and I have bad days.. Days where I wake up and find half my eye brows fell during sleep, my hair falling so much I find it in my water and food, my figure changed, I changed, I feel like crap! Yes temporary shit o kil shay byrid but for now its gone..

- I'm ranting and bitching madri 3ala shino.. Guess am cranky.. Couple days ago I referred to myself as "damaged goods". Inshallah if I'm cured I still feel that I'm good for nothing.. I will always be labelled as the girl with cancer..

- I'm very so tired.. Honestly nothing makes my day better than the multiple emails I get, tweets, and comments here.. First forgive me for not replying to the latter bs wala mafeny shada :/ Second الزينleft a comment on previous post, let me tell you dear u made me cry.. I don't know why but u did, just the thought of me being in some strangers prayers is unbelievably a beautiful blessing that I'm eternally grateful for, thank u dear.. And thank u all for ur continuous support, you have no idea how much you're helping :*