Sunday, 10 June 2018

Chemo Tips

*This is mostly based on my experience of 12 sessions of ABVD Chemotherapy and other persons experiences*

Being diagnosed with cancer is shocking but embarking on the journey of Chemotherapy is even more disturbing. It's uncharted waters that you have no idea what to expect or what you will go through, apart from what you heard, which believe you me does NOT prepare you for shit. I've been asked a lot about chemo tips, so I thought I'll post it up here aswell, just incase someone needs it or knows anyone going through it and it could be of some help.

Note: Each chemotherapy is different and each patient reacts in a different way. Please check with your oncologists regarding any of the tips below, as I want to help and not harm you.

== On Treatment Day

1. It will be a long day, take a family member or friend or loved one. Someone that is strong and cheerful but NOT a parent (as the sadness you see in their eyes will make u feel worse).

2. Treatment rooms are very cold, as cancer patients always feel hot, take a shawl or loose jacket with you, as your arms will be hooked to the machines and you need to feel comfortable in it. As well wear comfortable clothing, No jeans, No heels, No shorts.

3. Take a book, iPad, laptop, whatever that helps you waste time, as you won't be in a very talkative mood even if you have company.

4. I call it Chemo Bag - pack a bag that includes a shawl, medication, coke or sprite (helps with nausea) hard candy or sweets, snack (preferably banana), filtered water, and any form of entertainment. This bag should always be ready a day before chemo day, as with time your memory will get worse and you'll forget things on short notice.

5. If you're a Muslim then please don't let a drop of chemo enter your blood stream without listening to 9orat Elbaqara. Have it on an iPod or phone and play it just as they inject you with the pre-meds.

== Dealing With Chemo

Most likely you won't feel all the side effects of chemo from your first session but each case differs, but with most, the more chemo you take the worse you feel. But that's good, as the Worse you feel the more it means chemo is doing its job by destroying the cancer.


1. Nausea will be your arch enemy all throughout chemo. Doctors can give you various medications to control it and if you're lucky prevent it. Drink SMALL sips of fizzy drinks, Coke or Sprite will help settle it down. - this helped me when chemo was being administered, it made it little bit more tolerable.

2. Water. Water. Water. On the day you take chemo you should drink at least 2 or more liters of water, as it will flush out the poison aka toxins out of your system and save your kidneys from being fried. BUT water will taste like metal and will make you vomit every-time you taste it. TIP add Vimto or Squash or little juice to water. Vimto was my savior!

3. After finishing treatment and returning home you won't be able to eat solid foods. With time you will know what you will be able to eat or not. Diced mango pieces were the best for me, they were fulfilling and easily chewed. Soup is good but hot foods will feel like boiling water on your tongue, either have it warm/ cold or find some other easily digested food you like.

4. HAIR - if you're a woman it will shatter you. For both genders, before your first session, take 3/4 of its length off, and after your first or second session of chemo have a pixi cut or shave it all off. The shorter it is the less hair you will see falling, and save you many tears.

5. Your sexual drive will be non-existent or in men's case you will be unable to perform. Don't feel like a failure, this is normal.

6. Your taste buds will change, you will love and hate various foods, stick to what you like. Have smaller meals throughout the day better than fixed 3 meals a day.

7. Most get horrible mouth ulcers that prevent you from drinking and eating. Tell your oncologists ASAP as they will prescribe specific mouthwash that works like MAGIC!! Couple days later you won't feel a thing and be able to eat and drink.


"Note your immune system will drop dramatically and you must be extra careful"

1. As your skin will be extra sensitive, avoid the Sun at all costs. Wear long sleeves, hats, gloves, what ever you need to protect your skin from being exposed to the sun, or it'll literally burn within minutes and have dark patches.

2. Use only Johnson's Baby products, such as, shampoo, body wash, baby oil to moisturize your skin. As for creams I'd recommend E45. Don't use any creams with chemicals and avoid perfume on skin or it'll breakout in rashes.

3. Don't don't don't scratch your body when it itches as itching turns the skin into darker colour, and later you'd be left with dark patches all over your body. I don't know why or how but it just does.

4. Have your own plate, cups, cutlery.

5. Don't eat out, home cooking only. Usually at hospital you'd find a guide with what to eat or don't eat, as your immune system drops more foods should be avoided. No probiotic food eg. leban and yoghurt. If your immune reaches 1.1 you should avoid a lot of various foods.

6. Flowers should be kept outdoors or in a separate room away from you.

7. Do not travel. As planes are as filthy as a petri dish infested with bacteria.

8. Do not kiss people hello and goodbyes as you don't know whose sick and who's not. Try to avoid younger children.

9. Your surroundings should always be cleaned and disinfected. Everything you use should be washed. Beddings should be changed often.

10. Anyone visiting you from abroad should change their clothes and shower before visiting you.

11. Keep a lookout for blue bruises on your body, blood clots may occur as a result of chemo.

12. Try to move or walk around (accompanied by someone) for 30 minutes a day, continuous bed rest isn't good for you.

13. There are days when you cannot watch tv as it requires too much energy, on such days rest and don't push yourself.

14. Find something relaxing to do often to rest your mind from continuously thinking about cancer and chemo. I took up baking and that was extremely beneficial. Everytime I baked, I spent 3 hours without thinking of my situation, that was my only calm time.

15. Don't drink water from bottled water as they contain natural bacteria which is harmful for you. Buy jugs that are used for infants which include a filter in them. Pour your water into the filtering jug then drink it or pour it into bottles that have been thoroughly cleaned.

16. Allow yourself to ask for help, cry, and be an absolute diva! You have cancer, it's not easy. This is the time where you can be unbelievably weak and vulnerable and IT IS OKAY.

** Please ask your oncologists for more tips.

May God give all those fighting Cancer the strength to destroy it.

Thursday, 19 November 2015


I've reached a milestone in this exhausting journey from hell. I've reached FIVE years cancer FREE! Albeit it's been five years from hell to the road of recovery but I've made it. Alf il7amdillah.

As happy as I am today as sad as I am. The memories I have will haunt me for the rest of my life. I cannot nor will I ever forget. This journey has changed me so much. I'm a new person whether I like it or not, physically, emotionally and mentally I am Five years old. My body was reborn and so was I.

I remember it like yesterday..I remember my first session of chemotherapy, first of twelve. I remember entering a huge ward that had many recliner chairs with patients in them and nurses next to them. I remember the sound, beeping machines nonstop, I remember thinking at that moment I won't die from the cancer but I'll die from the noise, I remember thinking of smashing every beeping machine because I can't tolerate noise. I chose a chair that was the furthest away from everyone in the corner. I remember everyone staring at me the minute I entered like I was the new kid in school. I remember seeing the pity in their eyes. I remember some had hair some didn't, some looked normal some didn't but I remember they all looked like statues, unmoving with their bodies hooked to machines.

I remember I settled into my chair, tucked my legs under me and gave my arms to my assigned nurse, I continuously kept touching my hair as I recently cut off three quarters of its length off. I remember the nurse talking me through the steps of what pre medications she'll administer and then followed by the four types of chemotherapy. I remember having this thought of not knowing what will happen once chemo enters my blood stream. I remember thinking will it instantly sicken me.

I remember putting in my headphones and playing Sorat Albaqara because I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without God's help. I remember needing all the strength I could get because I felt like a lost child.

It began. I sat in that chair for over two hours, I remember the beeping was driving me mad. I remember looking to my left and seeing a man in his 30s with his arm hooked to a machine whilst he was on his laptop and his bicycle next to him. I remember thinking that's the oddest thing you would expect in a Day Care Unit. I remember he kept looking at me throughout my stay. I didn't know why but I guess it was a mixture of sadness that we both looked so young to be going through this shit.

I remember one memory that till this day rips my heart open every time it crosses my mind. I remember I looked to my right and I saw my mother sitting next to me crying and reading Quran. I remember that I felt more pain for this woman than I did or have felt till this day. I remember feeling so bad for her that she's sitting next to her dying only child so helpless and unable to do a single thing to soothe me. It killed me, it tortured me more than the poison that was entering my veins. I remember vowing I will never let her sit with me again for the remaining 11 sessions. And I never did.

Five years on..

I made it to safety.

I was reborn on the 19th of November 2010.

I have reached my Five year cancer free anniversary..

Happy FIFTH birthday to me..

Monday, 13 July 2015

Pain! Pain! Pain!!!

Pain. I've tolerated every level of pain. I've been living with pain. In pain.

I've been taught to accept pain.

To tolerate pain.

To feel immense pain yet disconnect my mind from pain.

I know how to and when to numb pain.

It's chronic pain.



Sometimes, like this instant exactly I want to scream off of the top of my lungs!




It hurts so bad. It's not only ripping through my flesh but through my soul.

It's so painful. It's like a dagger twisting in my heart and slashing through my flesh from head to toe.

I'm in PAIN!

Saturday, 10 January 2015


Guilt.. Gut wrenching soul ripping guilt. Guilt like I took something that doesn't belong to me. I stole it and I'm living it. Life, I stole life. That's how I feel every time I hear a person lost their life to Cancer. Neighbor's father passed away in London and all I feel is Guilt.

I survived. He died. I stole an other life. That's how I feel and no amount of talk can change it. I know he's destined to die and I'm destined to survive and no one has a say in it apart from God.

But I cannot help it. I feel guilty. Guilt is ripping through me. I'm being irrational.. I know. But I'm shamed with guilt.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

What is Chemo Brain?

Frustration. Confusion. Sense of loss. Jumble.

Chemo brain chemo brain how I hate thee. Three and a half years into remission and I'm still suffering from Chemo Brain (Cognitive impairment) . It's made life quite difficult especially since I had a photographic memory. First months after chemo it was worse, I couldn't remember anything, including names of family members. It's improved a lot since those days but I'm still suffering.

Words get jumbled in my head, I think of a word but associate it with different meaning. I cannot remember anything I do after I do it. Mid-conversations I forget what I was talking about. Concentrating has become more difficult than ever. But the worst is the blanking, my mind goes completely blank, like a grey/white cloud descends upon it and I completely blank out. Becomes difficult to string words along for 10 seconds or so. I simple forget. I feel at a loss, I have no means of communication till the cloud lifts. Mental paralysis.

What I hate most is when people say 'oh yes I have memory problems too exactly like you're describing' NO YOU FUCKING DON'T because you haven't taken chemotherapy and it hasn't fried your brain and you don't suffer from Chemo Brain so shut the fuck up and go read a book or play memory enhancement games to improve your memory.

They say some survivors experience chemo brain worse than others, some completely recovery and some will permanently suffer .

So far, I'm still suffering.

Thursday, 21 November 2013


اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
ربي لك الحمد حتى ترضى ولك الحمد اذا رضيت ولك الحمد بعد الرضى

On the 19th of Nov. I celebrated THREE years cancer free. I'm officially 3 years old!!

Even though I'm down with a fever and feeling quite shitty, still I'm beyond ecstatic and proud of myself for dealing with it all the way I did. This journey has changed me forever, rewrote my life, persona, and outlook on life.

Out of the hardest and toughest hardships I've learned my lessons, I'm grateful and proud of the person I've become (even though many dislike it).

Keep praying for all those fighting Cancer, for you cannot imagine in your wildest dreams how difficult it is.

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Survivor's Guilt

Guilt-ridden, that's how I feel. I feel guilty for being alive every time I hear a cancer fighter lost their life to this horrible disease. A beautiful soul died after fighting it and I feel guilty that she died when I survived.

Every survivor I know feels the same way, it's something imbedded in us, we survived, we're lucky, we've been through that hell, and we escaped it. But the lost souls didn't, by whatever logic or illogic we are at fault because we survived and they didn't.

What makes me so special? Why did I make it? Why couldn't she have made it instead of me? She has a child, that child will grow without a mother, doesn't she deserve to live more than I do?

I feel tainted with survival stench, I cheated death, I am alive, am I worth being given a second chance at life? Do I deserve it when so many fighters out their lose their lives to it on a daily basis?

I am guilty. Guilty to be lucky enough to have survived it..

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Friday, 30 November 2012

The Hypocrite?

The minute the word Cancer is mentioned in a conversation people jump to say 'kafena eshar' or 'Allah ya7fithna'. This is the norm, before being diagnosed I used to say the exact same words at the mention of Cancer. It is without a doubt a plague that people feared.

Yet now, after having battled it, it feels like a dagger to the heart. Every time someone says 'kafena eshar' I feel a knife shoved in my heart and twisted in a thousand times over, I feel a pain in my heart and deep down in my stomach. I feel like an outcast. Like I'm tainted with the scarlet letter C imprinted on my chest. I became one of those people plagued with the disease and shone. I'm ashamed.

I know the intentions of those around me isn't to wound me or anyone with Cancer or survived it. But believe you me it hurts to hear such words, even if they're a prayer to God to protect from such a destructive illness.

Am I being a Hypocrite? I used to be one of those whom uttered such fears, yet now I hurt from them and wish never to hear.

Maybe this is a pointless plea, but, for those conversing about Cancer around ones whom survived or lost a loved one to it, kindly say your 'kafeena eshar and Allah ya7fithna' in your hearts and not for those around to hear, as take it from me they are burning daggers to our hearts and ears.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I Suffered. I Fought. I Survived.

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

It takes a village to raise a child, but, it takes people on two continents to help one get cured from Cancer. It took the love and support of family, friends, and strangers on both continents to help get through it. Without their love and support I wouldn't have survived, chemo by itself wouldn't have done the job. I'm eternally indebted to those that stood by me during that time.

Fast forward 2 years, and here I am standing on my own feet (in heels) yesterday celebrating my 2 year Cancer-Free Remission Birthday! Yay me :D I was as happy and giddy as a two year old at their birthday! That's how I truly feel, not a 31 year old woman, but a baby, a two year old child, with possibilities of a lifetime.

I couldn't have done it without all the love, support, prayers that I got. Thank you to each and everyone of you x

اللهم اشف كل مرضى السرطان شفاء لا يغادر سقما وعافينا واقضي على السرطان بقدرتك

Friday, 30 March 2012

Pet oh PET

I've done so many scans, x-rays, ultra-sounds that I don't even give them a second thought nor they bother me. I just take my Om Kalthoums Enta 3omry cd and ask them to play it and I forget I'm being scanned or what have you.


PET Scans are a different story, I get so angry when I have to do one because it's no usual scan, no easy scan, NO. PETs are long, torturous, and exhausting, and I absolutely hate doing them.

PET- Positron Emission Tomography. That my friends is the mother bitch of ALL scans. It's the one where they inject you with radioactive substance in order to see if there is any active cancer cells in your body, and afterwards i have to avoid contact with children under 5 and pregnant women as I will be emitting radiation. Ya far7ty. My next scan is on the 5th of April.

To begin with I must fast for 6 hours prior to the scan. Upon arrival, I'm assigned a room and a nurse, I get the routine 1001 questions asked and sign the 'swear on all that is holy I'm not pregnant' form. Then begins the fun, I get my finger pricked to check sugar levels (which I hate more than injections) if within required levels then I'm cannulated.

This is the freaky part, the nurse leaves and comes back with either a metal case or a leaded tin like the above picture. Inside is my radioactive tracer i.e. injection. I always freak out and feel like I'm in the twilight zone or X-Men movie when I'm about to injected. The injection is slowly administered and after completion the cannula is immediately taken out. You think the bad part is over ? Ohh not even close! After injection I MUST lie down for exactly ONE HOUR WITHOUT MOVEMENT so my body can absorb the tracer. FUN. Plus it must be a warm room that I'm in so my muscles are relaxed and my body isn't tensed.

Note: because of the extensive damage done to my spine and hip from the lovely tumour and cancer I cannot lie on my back or hard surfaces for more than couple of minutes without getting serious pains. But who gives a fuck they don't care and I must endure a 2 hour long scan.

After laying still in the room for an hour, nurse returns and takes me to the scanning suite. I then have to endure another 45min to an hour long scan. Again I must remain unbelievably still or I have to repeat the scan. For the duration inside a machine similar to that of a MRI, I get shoved in and out of it till I'm done.

Here comes the torture if the above wasn't enough. Because of the scans hard surface I've been laying on, it is impossible for me to move, I slowly shift left and right and with help of nurse get off of the machine. By this time 1000 tears are flowing down my face, held by a nurse, can't stand straight and take one step at a time till I return to the room to change and leave. I usually have my pain meds with me and take them the second I reach them.

This ladies and gents will be my 4th PET scan.
Hope you enjoyed the descriptive experiance.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Ripple Effect

During Chemotherapy days my friend used to come from Turkey every 2 weeks to London, stay 3 days and leave, this went on for 6 months. I have never witnessed such act of kindness and didn't know how to repay her. Nothing materialistic I could give her would repay her for what she did for me, the support and kindness she showed me is second to none.

I promised her I'd repay her one way or the other one day. 6 months after I was in remission I received an email from a stranger asking for hospital recommendations as her 19 year old niece has been diagnosed with Cancer. I replied and promised to help the young lady. That beautiful young woman is Elmohandisa that I've mentioned couple of times here. I have never met her or knew anything about her, yet I went with her to 4 or 5 Chemo sessions, I'd sit with her and try to make her forget about the torturous treatment she was about to receive. Throughout her treatment and till now I've tried by best to support her and be there for her, like my friend did for me.

When she was cured and in remission she promised to pay it forward and help others in time of need as I helped her. Couple days ago she told me she's being there for 2 of her friends that have Cancer and undergoing harsh treatment and surgeries. I couldn't be happier and tears of joy streamed down my face, as what my friend has done for me, and what I did for Elmohandisa has had a ripple effect and more people are benefiting in their worst time of need.

I never thought she will go through it and pay it forward, I thought I'd do my good deed and let it go unaccounted for. But to my shock and my friends' dismay, it HAS! One act of kindness by my friend has been paid forward and Inshallah those two ladies when in remission will pay it forward.

Help a person out, even when they don't ask for it, you will never know how many people will benefit from it.

Pay it forward people :)

Saturday, 19 November 2011

My FIRST Anniversary!

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

A year ago today I was told I was Cancer FREE (read here). It was by far the happiest day and the biggest achievement of my life! Within the 2 years I was mis-diagnosed, diagnosed, treated, and cured I went to hell and back, you might think I'm exaggerating but you will never understand how extremely difficult it was till you walk in my shoes. I embarked on the toughest journey any human being can take and came out standing! Yes at times I wished and begged God for death but some how I managed to reach the finishing line and tagging Remission :D

Today I am in Remission.
Today I am ONE year old.
Today I celebrate my 1st year cancer free anniversary!

Happy BirthAversary to ME :)

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

1 Year? Pending!

A year ago today, I had my 12th and final chemotherapy session. A month after it I was told I was cancer free. All is good, right? No! Set aside that it has been a very difficult year, as road to recovery is extremely difficult. From every 3 month checks to hospitalisation to procedures to pains and aches etc etc etc..

I had a scheduled appointment for the 4th of November, my 1st 3 month check into my 1st year of Remission and marking my 1 year anniversary. But as always, I'm experiencing some pains and problems and will go in to see the oncologists next week.

I freaked out, I've been poking and prodding my body for lymph nodes/lumps/tumours. I thought I'd hit my 1st year anniversary and it would get easier but apparently not! Till the last days of it I have to worry and freak out that I've had a relapse.

Feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen. A ticking bomb about to explode. A nightmare about to unfold. Yes yesss I KNOW be optimistic, don't worry, you're fine, blah blah all the healthy 'normal' people talk. I CANNOT help but worry! My wound is fresh, my pain is painful, my scars haven't healed, my memory is so vivid that I remember every aching moment of my excruciating journey.

I don't want to walk that road again. I don't want to fight for my right to live. I don't want to receive poison in order to save me. I don't want to lose my new hair. I don't want to die..

19 October 2010 I walked in to take my 12th poisonous chemotherapy session.

19 October 2011 in my bed worrying that I have cancer again as symptoms are hitting me left and right!

Maybe its just my body gone haywire. Maybe its nothing. Maybe just maybe next week I will be told I'm still Cancer free and will hit the 19th of November a champion that defeated Stage 4B!

Such a blessing to be alive. Yet such torture I must face with Cancer dangling over my head.

But then again Allah 3a6a w Allah khatha.. He gave me my health and he can take it back any second. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Never Ending.

(3ala golat Danderma all I need is a receiver and I can watch TV with that tube in my arm)

Nearly 3 months ago I was woken up at 5am from stabbing pain in my stomach (m3da), was like nothing I've experienced before. I couldn't sleep and was getting worse till 8am that's when everything was getting worse and I blacked out on my mother's feet whilst she was asleep. W3laya 3alaiha hal maraa kila mkhar3t'ha w ehy nayma :/

The rest you all know, I was hospitalized for 3 days and literally starved No Food No Water!! For 3 days I was living on drip and morphine, pain not subsiding, and they discharged me because they couldn't diagnose, as always! I did Ultrasound, CT Scan, PET Scan, and a gastroscopy with sedation. Well still they don't know what's causing it.

Yesterday I had to do EUS (Endoscopy with Ultrasound) under general anesthetic. I did s0 many procedures in the past 2 years that I really don't care anymore nor emotionally feel a thing. Only concern is I HATE general anesthetic and that split second before you get knocked out scares the living day lights out of me.

This procedure was absolutely shit. Firstly, I was delayed 2 hours (bear in mind I was fasting), anger and cursing in every language was flying around whilst I was dressed in my blue surgical gown. Secondly, I was dehydrated which caused all my veins to disappear and it took them 3 tries to cannulate me. Meaning my arm looks like that of a druggie today, all bruised black and blue. Nurse, anesthetist, and main anesthetist were trying to calm me down (hold me down) to find a vein, it was beyond painful. Thirdly, they attached blood pressure to my leg, heart beat monitor to finger/wires on chest, cannula on left hand, a blue plastic thing in my mouth to keep it open so they can shove the scope down my throat, AND on top of that they wanted to insert an oxygen sponge tube in my nose!!! For fuck me sake shlooooon!! Oh did I forget to mention they sprayed my throat with some anesthetic spray that made me wana vomit my stomach out.

All of that happened within the 10 minutes they were trying to knock me out but they couldn't. All I remember, I was crying and tears running down my face with one doctor holding my hand, nurse holding my other hand and wiping my tears, and all I did was look at the clock in front of me saying il7amdillah il7amdillah il7amdillah over and over again till I passed out.

Woke up feeling like been hit by a bus and with no voice at all. So ya shit is never ending..

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Chemo Brain

We all complain about memory loss, we can't remember where we placed things, phone numbers, names, etc. With the fast paced life this became the norm. Yet that is nothing compared to Chemo Brain.

Funny name, the first time I heard the term I thought my oncologist was joking. Apparently after Chemotherapy your cognitive memory is affected. 50 percent of chemo patients recover from Chemo Brain whilst the rest will suffer permanently.

My memory is in tatters. First months after chemo it was Very bad, I'd forget everything and anything, I was in the 'chemo fog' as they call it. I would forget things, names of family, faces, things that I knew, memories, I'd be in mid speech and all of the sudden stop because I cannot remember what I was talking about. With time it has improved I'd say 70-80% improvement. But still suffering a bit, mid conversation memory loss is still a problem. Forgetting where I place things and minor things here and there.

I've got Chemo Brain! Ohh and Chemo Hair apparently but I'll explain that in an other post.

Saturday, 7 May 2011


--A year exactly today I was told Happy 29th Birthday, you have Cancer! --

My world halted, shocked, pain, sadness, Chemotherapy, hair loss,
nausea, heart scares, lung scares, shoulder scares, more Chemo,
tiredness, lethargy, endlessssssss doctors, tests, scans, million
needles, REMISSION, 1st 3 month check, and today 2nd 3 month check.

--Fast forward an exact year --

Congratulations you are Cancer FREE and you will enter your 30th
birthday stronger than EVER and a SURVIVOR :D

ALF IL7AMDILLAH :D Allah ya7fithny o yshafeni o yshafy kil mareeth.

p.s. I kicked Hodgkin's Lymphoma's ASS baaaaaaaaaby ;)

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Chemo Cakes

Before the whole Cancer ordeal the only thing I knew how to cook was Pasta and that's 1 dish of pasta ONLY! With the fake surge of energy that Steroids gave me and eating restrictions that chemo imposed, I used to crave sugar and cake like a mad woman! And what would a mad woman do when in need of chocolate cake?? She BAKES! I did what any self respectable woman would do, I emailed Danderma for instructions on how to bake. She instructed and I baked and Baked and baked and baked and baked and carried on BAKING till this day! Cancer, Chemotherapy, and Steroids turned me into a Baker! Mostly I baked for my Chemo nurses as they used to work so hard and I felt the need to repay their kindness and efforts. Mind you they all complained that I made them gain weight as at times I used to bake 2 cakes at a time :p I leave you with an array of my Chemo Cakes.. Enjoy <3

This was my 1st edible cake.



I cant remember the original cake associated name I gave it BUT
everyone else calls it 'The Nipple' :\

Nutella & Smarties

The Biscuit

The Coconut


Ramadan Mess


Sweet & Sour


Black & White



Sunday, 6 March 2011

The C.

You can never be normal again. You can never forget about it. You can never put it behind your back and forget about it. You will always see it. You'll look at yourself and see eyes that speak a thousand words of pain and agony. You see a scar that will always stare you in the face. You are always referred to as a super strong person which holds you back from showing weakness.

No matter what you do it will ALWAYS be there!

Those who never had it will tell you with time you'll forget about it and be "normal" again. Those who had it will tell you it'll subside but it'll always be there.

You struggle whilst you have it and after you have it! It is what I call Eternal Damnation. Others call it Cancer.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

My Room

You enter a room it's almost pitch black, there is barely enough light to see what is in front of your eyes. The ceiling is low that it doesn't allow you to stand straight, must crouch in order to walk. There is no ventilation in it, difficult to breathe, what you exhale is what you inhale. With every breath of air it is more and more difficult to breathe, you're reaching a point where you're gasping for air.

You wonder around aimlessly only to come across what looks like a person, the first, there is just enough light to see its silhouette. The back is so arched that reminds you of that gymnastic position that you used to do back in primary school, (the bridge) that's what's its called. Yet the figure is so stretched and arched that you feel agony just by looking at it.

You back away and wonder around the room till you come across the second figure, it is pushing the concrete wall with all its might, pushing, slamming, trying to break the wall but to no avail. Slowly falls to the ground from the endless bashing to regain its strength. After a while of seeming helpless gradually pulls itself up and starts to break the wall again. Still not even a crack. Helplessness sums it up.

The more you wonder around the smaller the room gets, the walls are pushing in, the ceiling is getting lower and forcing you to crouch more and more. Breathing has become near to impossible. Yet you see the third one on the floor, you can't tell what its doing until you come close enough to see it's laying on the floor clutching its knees so tight and its in the fetal position. You can't help but wonder what its gone through in order to yearn for the beginning point? To return to the point before its existence. How harsh its reality is that it desired its mothers' womb!

You try to escape the room yet there are no exits, no ins, no outs, simply no out. Even a prison is less torturous than this room... This is my prison. This is my world. This is my jail. I'm locked, blotted, and shut in it. I have no means of escape. I cannot break out of it nor make it more tolerable.

My prison is me. My body. My mind. My existence.

The first, is my spine. That's how it feels constantly. I'm in continues pain, it feels like its going to snap any minute now. I'm in pain.

The second, is my will. I am strong. I don't give up. I push and push. But comes a time when I break. I don't have the will to rise. I am so exhausted that I contemplate giving up.

The third, is me. I'm in a battle by myself and there is no one to help me up. What better to do than wish I was some place safe. And there is no where safer than the point before your existence in this harsh world.

My state of mind is rollercoaster of struggle. My body is my jail that I cannot break away from. My will is only strengthened by my faith.

I shall exist till the struggle is over..