Day 50!

So its day 50 since first chemo session.. Time is passing.. I'm coping, or learning to cope in every way possible.. The physical the mental its a struggle but now its become the norm.. Being sick and being in and out of hospital has become my life and journey for the time being and INSHALLAH it won't be for much longer.. I truly don't remember what life is outside home and hospitals and just thinking of the day they say I am in remission and cured from cancer.. This is not the point of this post.. Point is I truly believe I brought cancer onto myself.. I suppressed SO MUCH anger and sadness in me throughout the years and my life since childhood that I weakened my body to such an extant that it became so weak it started attacking itself..

I've held on to so much sadness and pain from such a young age till this day.. I never speak about my problems, I carry my own burdens, I don't open up, I poisoned my body with sadness over pathetic things.. For years and yearssssssssssss I did that.. I thought it was a sign of strength to just keep my mouth shut and take it while standing and bottle it up! No that was the biggest mistake of my life.. I weakened me with every sad thought, every tear, every suppressed memory.. I ruined me.. For years and years I have truly destroyed myself.. I tortured myself over the past over things that cannot be changed.. I dwelled and dwelled and dwelled over my past and forgot to live the present and in the process weakened myself so much till I literally lost all control over myself.. I asked every doctor there is and searched every article for the cause of my cancer and the answer is always the same, no answer except a weak immune system... I weakened me.. That is it.. I ruined me..

And today!! From this day onwards I'm LETTING GO of every sad moment of my life, every sad memory, every grudge, everything in the past.. Its a new start.. A clean state.. I want NOTHING of the old in me.. I will deal with life with an absolute and complete new slate.. I am a new born.. I have no past.. I have a future.. I have a present... I will live my days as they come NOT as they went.. I will NOT poison me anymore.. I will not torture me anymore.. I WILL NOT HURT ME ANYMORE.. I am precious.. I am alive and I will appreciate what comes without looking back ever again inshallah.. I wish you all a new start :)

Moments

Life is funny.. You go through it fretting over the tiniest things and thinking they are catastrophes.. Little do u know that they are NOTHING in comparison to what life can throw at u!! When I used to get upset over problems mother used to tell me "Life is difficult and its harsh this is nothing, toughen up and get used to it" I used to think how could she say such! Its mean!! But little did I know that she is SPOT ON right! Now she tells me this is the worse life can throw at u and cannot be meaner to you than this!

Funny thing is now I tell her yes it can be, cancer is THE worst yet I know life can get harsher and throw worse curve balls at me! A mother losing her child is worse than going through cancer a MILLON times! Life is difficult.. Where is this post going I don't know. But don't sweat the small things which you may think are the end of the world and are a catastrophe but just know that it can always get worse unfortunately :/

Enjoy the little things and discard the things that bother you.. It is all possible we just gotta use our brains to know when to balance. When to fret and when to let go. Live and let live. Most importantly show love to those around you and appreciate them for what they are. I wish you all serenity and peace of mind :*

Loved..

You know what's the only good outcome of this whole ordeal is? Feeling loved. I knew I was I loved by family and friends but never knew this much! Never in a million years would I have imagined that I was this much loved and adored by them. Well family members its a given but friends from boys to girls is just overwhelming.. Some have truly shocked me, I knew they loved me but not like this, they are doing the impossible to help in any way they can.. Some I haven't spoken to in a decade have offered the impossible..

By the way if this doesn't sound grammatically correct, forgive me.. I'm so high on meds that my head is barely attached to my body.. Back to the lovin part.. Even friends of my mother whom I met once apparently love me and spend hours upon hours praying for me.. quite humbling.. But the strangers part is the sweetest.. People whom I do not know nor ever met care to a shocking extant that I simple cannot put in words.. Yesterday mother went to pick up my prescription from my old doc and the secretary once hearing about what am going through was in near to tears! How cute is that!! She asked mother to pass her regards and best wishes.. Just little things like this of people that I have minimal contact with that show much emotions that makes me feel so loved..

I'm so grateful to be surrounded by such people.. It's true what they say, only in your worst times you know who your true friends are.. Though I have been disappointed by a couple but never mind I have many to make up for them..

I wish you all to be blessed with pure Love..

p.s. I'm gona have to do another surgery next week for more testing and I'm scared.. Please pray for me..
Much appreciated :*

:( :(

So much for optimism and being hopeful :(

Started the first day of April with doctor appointment, blood tests, 4 X-Rays, and news of being admitted into hospital on Tuesday for some more tests :(

I hate hospitals and I'm afraid of needles :(

If Feb was an asshole to me, it seems like April is going to fuck me :(

i HOPE i will be fine and it's not as serious as it could be:(

Even though the least of it is serious bs inshalaa not the worse case scenario.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al :(

:(

Hope in April?!

Oh this is going to be toughy!! I will either commit suicide by the end of the month, become like you calm people, or the rest of my 40% of coloured hair will go grey :/ See i LOVE Feb,(feb was an asshole to me), April, and May as for the rest of the months of the year I don't like them, especially from July onwards they're just blah.. Yes I know I make no sense.. But when did I ever make any?! So in April I wanna try something new.. Normalcy that is! Shocking no?

Okay this is the deal from the 1st of April to 30th of April this Blog, Twitter account, FourMe, and ME will be Anger/Rant/Psychotic free zone!! I will attempt in April to be a less Me and more "Normal".. I will smile :/ more and have a more op.. Opt.. Optmissss.... See I can't bring myself to say it! Crap! OPTAFUCKINGMISTIC See I said IT :D Yes Yes it is the end of the world! The end is near run for your lives! I will try to be Optimistic for ONE month and ONE month only (i wanna cry already). I will suppress my anger for one month, be happier, and try a different outlook on life. I will probably rapture an artery but hey all for the sake of experimenting and will power!

I wanna test myself. I usually have very very strong will power but this is going against the essence of ME the miserable angry bitch.. Now comes in your part.. I will try to post cheerful lovey fucking dovey crap and all enthusiastic and pissing optimistic and crap like that.. I will probably fail after the first 2 days but hey this is your queue.. You people if bothered and 'love' my well being and give a flying fuck about me which I highly doubt but hey optimistic right? You gotta leave me inspirational comments, happy cheerful crap talk, and encourage me like a toddler on her first day of nursery.. Seriously this will be very very difficult :(

Emm dare I say I'm actually looking forward to this little experiment! I like to break me and prove her wrong and kick her ass from here to Tanzania.. I hope <--- see already started! Am hoping for shit now :D No really I hope I can succeed in this and prove I have the strength like I used to do and can tame my own ass.. Let's hope in April I can bitchslap me into happiness and serenity.. Amen!

I FourMe pledge that April will be a HOPEFUL month no matter what happens!
And will NOT
Rant
Be Angry
Or a Pessimist!

shite this means I only have a day and a half of being miserable and angry :( Fuck this shit I'm off to cause some havoc :/