Sunday, 26 September 2010
When younger all you want is to grow and and make grown up decisions. Looking forward to drivers license, first bank account, visa card, signing up to uni, signing your first job con contract.. But damn life can take a turn and you can dread signing on the dotted line..
Grown up yes. Do i want to sign on the dotted line? No. Nothing slaps you harder than having to sign on the dotted line accepting full responsibility of chemotherapy and accepting all its side effects including fatality! Nothing prepares you for signing on the dotted line saying you refused to harvest and freeze your eggs and there is a chance you will never have children.. You sign and sign and sign and only wish that your parent could sign for you like they used to sign your report cards.. Or have them make decisions for you.. Or have them break bad news to you..
I wanted my mother to make my decisions for me for the first time in my life! I wished she had said i want to freeze your eggs or not, i wanted it to be her fault in the future if i cannot have children. I wanted her to sign on the papers saying i will subject myself to 12 torturous sessions of chemotherapy, so when im in pain i could blame her..
I wanted her to tell me "baby you have cancer" not "Mama they said i have stage 4 cancer. Mama i have the worst disease that scars mankind". I wanted her to tell me its ok not me tell her while breaking down its ok mama goolay il7amdillah, at least now they know whats wrong with me..
How i wish i was a child and dont have to sign on anymore dotted lines accepting full responsbility for my decisions. Not accepting this could cause lung damage, that could kill me, that could blind me and so on..
How i wish i was still a child.. A little girl with no such responsibilites.. Responsible for my LIFE and how it plays out..