Sunday, 26 September 2010

Sign Here

When younger all you want is to grow and and make grown up decisions. Looking forward to drivers license, first bank account, visa card, signing up to uni, signing your first job con contract.. But damn life can take a turn and you can dread signing on the dotted line..

Grown up yes. Do i want to sign on the dotted line? No. Nothing slaps you harder than having to sign on the dotted line accepting full responsibility of chemotherapy and accepting all its side effects including fatality! Nothing prepares you for signing on the dotted line saying you refused to harvest and freeze your eggs and there is a chance you will never have children.. You sign and sign and sign and only wish that your parent could sign for you like they used to sign your report cards.. Or have them make decisions for you.. Or have them break bad news to you..

I wanted my mother to make my decisions for me for the first time in my life! I wished she had said i want to freeze your eggs or not, i wanted it to be her fault in the future if i cannot have children. I wanted her to sign on the papers saying i will subject myself to 12 torturous sessions of chemotherapy, so when im in pain i could blame her..

I wanted her to tell me "baby you have cancer" not "Mama they said i have stage 4 cancer. Mama i have the worst disease that scars mankind". I wanted her to tell me its ok not me tell her while breaking down its ok mama goolay il7amdillah, at least now they know whats wrong with me..

How i wish i was a child and dont have to sign on anymore dotted lines accepting full responsbility for my decisions. Not accepting this could cause lung damage, that could kill me, that could blind me and so on..

How i wish i was still a child.. A little girl with no such responsibilites.. Responsible for my LIFE and how it plays out..


Anony said...


Anony said...


lo dazatli el awraq ana awaqe3 :P

Allaah kareeem *hug*

Social Butterfly said...

3a6eny tawkeel wana awa8e3 bedalch...
inshallah hatha klla fatra wet3adee oo treden mthel awal and you can get married and have kids...

Maynoon ilee maa etemana ya5eth wa7da mthlech... 9aboora oo 3aajel...

Ooo you can always adopt... Some things are better than other things ;)

Rabee eshafech

reemas said...

very touching post.
inshallah one day in the future u will collect all the posts u have written here and publish it as a book.. a diary of cancer patient going thru chemo.
inshallah u will pass all this. and inshallah we all c this book.
U r in our hearts :)

AlabasterMuslim said...

Your post made me tear up.
Believe in allah swt sweety that he can do anything- one day inshallah you can have children. Maybe because you are going through this and this experience can have a humbling affect inshallah...maybe because of that alone you can have children as a gift from allah, inshallah!

I am praying for u.

Anonymous said...

fatra w et3adi ya rabb ..Allah ykoon fe 3onich *hugs*


Anonymous said...

in our prayers.


M al S

oh and enjoy your day;*

smile : )

Anonymous said...

Beautifuly written, you made me tear up :~(
Your such a talented writer that can capture us and make us live this disease with you , InshAllah you'll beat it up < only then I'll ask you to publish a book so people can be aware of the hell other ppl go through o ya7medoon rabhom 3ala ni3mat essa7a . Your in my prayers *HUGS*

falantan said...

Dear fourme, it is Allah seb7ana who chooses who of us gets to face these challenging decisions and who gets to avoid them. i7na jalna ghair essaber + e66a3a. 3asa Alla ygadderna ajma3een. Check out the beginning of Surat il3ankaboot and you'll see what I mean.

The good news is that, the reward is ALWAYS 10x more than the hardship if endured. So there IS a good side to all this. Don't ever feel defeated! :)

Anonymous said...

ur always in our prayers
la et7ateeen enshala betgomen bl salama soon ;* beser hatha kella thekra


Anonymous said...

you're my hero
<3 *wipes tears*


nosa said...

allah kareeem :**

K.D said...


Anonymous said...


Glitter said...

Hello Love ..

Sorry been away, but u're always on my mind ..

I loved the suggestion by one of the ppl above me of publishing ur posts as book. I know it would be a great help for those who suffer from the same disease but lack your strength, spirit and ATTITUDE..


Anonymous said...

To create a book easily from a blog

الزين said...

اول مره قريت عن مرضج كان عند ريماس
ودخلت بلوقج

كنت هناك قبل خمس سنوات
بس كنت مرافقه للي فقدتها
وان شاء الله فالج اطيب من فاله
اعرف كل اللي تمرين فيه
واعرف شكثر صعب
واحس ان الكلام ساعات ما يودي ولا اييب

نفس الخوف
ونفس الهواجس
ونفس التعب
ونفس الأمل

وكل ما ييت ابي اكتب لج
كلمتي تخوني
وحرفي يقول لي شنو بتقولين ممكن يخفف اللي قاعده تشوفه وانتي عارفه طبيعته

وصرتي جزء من دعائي
بكل صلاة
يمكن صرتي انتي الدعاء نفسه

وبستمر ادعي لج
من غير ما تطلبين
ومن غير ما اعرفج

كل اللي اتمناه انج تثبتين
رغم الألم
رغم المعاناة
رغم الخوف
ورغم الأحباطات


فان الله مع الصابرين

وبشر الصابرين الذين اذا اصابتهم مصيبه قالوا

ان لله وانا اليه راجعون

بحفظ اللي ماتنام عينه