Thursday, 16 September 2010


I wish you could read my mind or for a split second could feel what am going through. Only then you would truly understand what I want to say instead of having me struggle for words.

I'm tired of explaining it as hell, painful, and torture.. Well its much more than that a million times.. I've hit rock bottom.. I've hit bottom of all bottoms.. I'm so near to finishing the treatment that I can't be bothered to finish it.. I'm running on empty.. I need to be motivated..

A while back I had it in me to fight this and my body was stronger in attacking it and responding to treatment.. But since I've given up and been so hopeless my body is kinda given up as well.. My immune is down, not showing responsive signs, harder to take chemo, veins impossible to find, pain escalated, and much more..

I don't have that urge to fight it.. I'm too exhausted and too tired to fight it anymore.. But I need to. I have to. I MUST fight it with every inch in me..

I don't know what I want from you people reading this.. Actually I do.. I need you to motivate me somehow to help me get that fighting urge that I lost along the way.. I need to beat it and kick its ass.. I need your support my darling strangers..


Anonymous said...

we're all here for you dear and be sure that whenever you feel like you've loosen down a bit just take a peak probably to your older posts.

hanat ma buga kther ma mutha, cancer needs long breathe 5aly nsamch 6weel o ta7amelai shway

alla eshafech o y3afech o ymsa7 3ala galbch byemenah elshafya:*

swera said...

you know we r here for u *hugs*

motivation . . . don't u wanna get better, hv fun in ur life and do the normal things u used to do?! getting healthy and being normal like before is the biggest motivation, it's there in u and u know that but u're gonna to reach out for it again!

ma boga shay nshallah :*

Journal Entries said...

la tafqdeen il amal.. i know that its hard bs entay gad'ha!
enshallah kilha fatra wet3addi bs qawway emanich ballah... we7na killina here for u oo 3ala6ool nathkirich bil du3a2 =*

Anonymous said...

bs tethakeray enech g6a3aty shoo6 6weel o shofay how long u've been fighting fa 7aram 3la akher shy testaslemain . enty aqwa mn elmarath o enshala kelha ash-hr weser hatha thekra etethakerenha ya raab .


Dont.Dwell said...

You are our biggest motivation,

you're fighting for your life while just nag and brag about crap

I don't think theres more to say, just keep in mind, like me, im sure there are many which look up to u.


Dont.Dwell said...

sorry i missed out a word,

i meant to say
"you're fighting for your life while (we) just nag and brag about crap"

Social Butterfly said...

I have been reading your blog for over 2 months now. I have also recently followed you on twitter. Blbdaya kaan bas curiosity bas now I check both every day to check up on you lana im concerned. I admire how strong you have been throughout this battle. I love the strength you have and the attitude you began cancer with. Every time I read a post or a tweet I know that you are going to be one of the few people who will overcome cancer. Kilina da3aynaalch brm'6an. Oo ham everyday agool ina inshallah rabee yashfeech.. Know one will know what you are feeling bas kilina gloobna ma3aach.. Be strong, itha moo for yourself, for everyone who believes and has faith in you.

Anonymous said...

you need to put your lucky cap on ;)
and kick this thing write in the ass

yalla you can do this. mithil ma galaw el rabi3: ma buga shay

Anonymous said...

i lost contact with you. you stopped coming online and i just thought well that's life... prolly craved into the whole BB fad going around. I began reading blogs again and i saw a prayer mentioning your name. It was a shock to me and it really saddened me. I'll keep you in my prayers from now on and hope to speak to you when you're through with this phase. the chemo phase is the hardest phase. trust me once you're done with that phase u'll feel like you can go through anything. just hang on.

Smart CoOKie said...

Please don't give up. You are a strong, amazing person and soon very soon inshallah you'll beat this fuckin cancer. What is cancer next to you? A bunch of lame ass stupid cells that you'll overcome and destroy.
Allah yshfiky o y5ff 3nik o y8oiky ya rab xoxo.

Shayouma said...

habibti,, it's true we really don't know what you are going through and how u truly feel but trust me we ARE her for you, theres not much we can do but support you and try to motivate you .. so you better not give up woman!

We love you and we want you cured very very soon insha2 Allah!

Anonymous said...

close your eyes..
Imagine you're in a race .. running the 400 miter
at a cretin point you see people in front of you..
racing you .. ahead of you .. and your strength is getting weaker .. your well to to finish got lower ..
you wonder to your self ..
whats in it for me
you start questioning your ability to finish
or even to reach the finishing line!
and then you steps gets slower then the regular past of running..
your breathing is heavier..
and you feel the pain all over your body!
and your soul..
within a blink of an eye..
you think
what do i want..
is my desire stronger ..
to reach
do i really want to reach ..
and then it hit you ...
your Adrenaline kicks in..
and this thought
Only this thought .. would boost your energy
you speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
you breath
you believe
you desire
you run

crossing time .. people .. air ..

you taste the flavor of winning ..
while your still running
you know how it feels ..

you believe it
you live it

and you open your eyes to see how close you r to the finishing line ..

u know how it feels ..

u are at the bottom getting ready for the Stronger kick to jump to the finishing line !!

:) Allah Akbar min hamy
:) Allah Akbar min tha3fee
:) Allah Abaar yaqeenan 3endy..

Xahabi said...

Ur ur own personal universe, ur control ur own destiny, to see a woman reach out for strangers is something depressing, because u should be surrounded by ppl
Whos job is to protect u that u will never have to reach out to anyone else, u deserve better..

To me, i cant find a stronger woman than u, my personal hero, and trust me, im a hard person to impress

Ps: hope u enjoyed ur McDonalds :)

moi said...

you are strong. one of the strongest strangers I've ever came across. you are our motivation. you're my personal motivation! you can do it! you are stronger than you think, you dont want stupid cancer to win do you?? allah eshafeech ya raaab, my heart's with you. love you ;***


Anony said...

7aga gameeela awee what anonymous wrote :P

Dee said...

i wanted to tell you that you shouldnt give up but when i saw what "Anonymous" wrote i went speechless!!

but seriously think about yourself think about ur mom, ur friends and us "strangers"
ur life is so important
and yes you've done a lot until now just please keep going and inshalla the better is yet to come

our prayers and thoughts are with you ..

Anonymous said...

what anonymous wrote made me speechless
ma bga shay ya 4me =) kamly mthl ma bdaiti

Well Wisher said...

Wow Anonymous 23:36! Don't know if I can write something as beautiful and motivational as that.. But my dearest FourMe..

I just want to show you our support, we are all here for you, don't ever think for a split second that you are doing this alone, we are all here cheering you on..

You did amazingly so far!! Gi6a3tay sho6 kibeer, ily buga mu gad ily ra7.. Khala9 it's almost over the finish line is getting closer and closer ma buga shay oo tiftakain min hel chemo inshallah..

Even though you don't feel strong in your body, try to be strong mentally, fill your thoughts with positivity oo 9adgeeny you'll feel more positive, don't allow any bit of negativity to dwell in your thoughts.. Itha yatich hathy ilafkar ilsalbeeya try to divert your thoughts, shighly roo7ich fi shay watch some series (fun ones nothing too dramatic) itha 9e7itich tisma7 lich 6il3ay, shimy hawa timashy fi a park - saway ay shay 7ag nafseetich, aham shay nafseetich itkoon mirta7a..

By the way ana ma gilt lich bes ana ib fathl Allah re7t il3umra birmothan oo d3ait lich 7ail.. Inshallah ma 3alaich illa il3afya oo ya rab yirja3 lich 3azmich oo qowitich la2anich insana qaweeya oo 3azmich hem gowy - it's all there in you! You have it in you! You can do it!

رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذْنَا إِنْ نَسِينَا أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَا إِصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِنْ قَبْلِنَا رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِ وَاعْفُ عَنَّا وَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا أَنْتَ مَوْلَانَا فَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ (٢٨٦) البقرة

وَأَيُّوبَ إِذْ نَادَى رَبَّهُ أَنِّي مَسَّنِيَ الضُّرُّ وَأَنْتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ (٨٣) فَاسْتَجَبْنَا لَهُ فَكَشَفْنَا مَا بِهِ مِنْ ضُرٍّ وَآَتَيْنَاهُ أَهْلَهُ وَمِثْلَهُمْ مَعَهُمْ رَحْمَةً مِنْ عِنْدِنَا وَذِكْرَى لِلْعَابِدِينَ (٨٤) الأنبياء

Well Wisher said...

Oops!! Sorry for spamming your comments please delete the other 2, I got a warning that the comment was too long so I posted it again oo ma shift shay so I posted it without ilayat, ma sheft ina it already got posted! Sorry about that! x_x

falantan said...

انشالله اذا ذكرتي جزاء ربك للي يصبر رح يساعدك هالشي و تتأملين رحمته و مغفرته

و ربك قادر انه يرفع عنك هالعذاب مثل ما حطه عليك. و الله قادر ان يرد عليك عافيتك و صحتك و سعادتك انشالله

لا تيئسين من رحمة الله أبد أبد

ترى السعادة و العذاب ثنيناتهم منه سبحانه

عسى ربي يخفف عنك يا رب و يقوي إيمانك

Anonymous said...

Hope is of no use until you have something valuable to live for.

The question is what do you want to live for ?

My personal opinion is that people look up onto you, for many things.

There should be some reason why they look up to you.

You have a strong heart.

There is a purpose.

Some meaning to existence please.

Get up now.

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