My Attitude

Accept it & Shut it!

2012-02-06T13:18:00.000Z

Acceptance is a mothefucker! Yes it is and I couldn't have put it in a better way. When you have to accept what you don't want. When you have to understand what you don't agree with. When it's an ultimatum between acceptance or smacking your head against a wall. When you have no ability to change it. That's when it's a kick in your imaginary balls! Fuck it to hell and back you still
can't change it and must accept it.

Do you stand in the face of a storm or subside and let it wash over you? That is the motherfucking question!

4 Years of Joy!

2011-12-24T15:06:00.001Z

I can't believe I forgot my blogs 4th anniversary! Was on the 21st but I guess it's not too late.

Oh boy have this blog been through one roller coaster ride! Ups, downs, heartbreaks, and cancer! Good times..

But, if there is one thing I took away from these 4 lovely years, is some irreplaceable friends that have impacted my life and taught me so much. Not forgetting the support I got during the toughest time of my life.

I thank you for reading this little nutty spot..

Much appreciated :*

Ripple Effect

2011-12-14T13:37:00.001Z

During Chemotherapy days my friend used to come from Turkey every 2 weeks to London, stay 3 days and leave, this went on for 6 months. I have never witnessed such act of kindness and didn't know how to repay her. Nothing materialistic I could give her would repay her for what she did for me, the support and kindness she showed me is second to none.

I promised her I'd repay her one way or the other one day. 6 months after I was in remission I received an email from a stranger asking for hospital recommendations as her 19 year old niece has been diagnosed with Cancer. I replied and promised to help the young lady. That beautiful young woman is Elmohandisa that I've mentioned couple of times here. I have never met her or knew anything about her, yet I went with her to 4 or 5 Chemo sessions, I'd sit with her and try to make her forget about the torturous treatment she was about to receive. Throughout her treatment and till now I've tried by best to support her and be there for her, like my friend did for me.

When she was cured and in remission she promised to pay it forward and help others in time of need as I helped her. Couple days ago she told me she's being there for 2 of her friends that have Cancer and undergoing harsh treatment and surgeries. I couldn't be happier and tears of joy streamed down my face, as what my friend has done for me, and what I did for Elmohandisa has had a ripple effect and more people are benefiting in their worst time of need.

I never thought she will go through it and pay it forward, I thought I'd do my good deed and let it go unaccounted for. But to my shock and my friends' dismay, it HAS! One act of kindness by my friend has been paid forward and Inshallah those two ladies when in remission will pay it forward.

Help a person out, even when they don't ask for it, you will never know how many people will benefit from it.

Pay it forward people :)

Still I Rise

2011-12-11T02:06:00.001Z

-Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

~Maya Angelou

So painful.

2011-12-10T01:17:00.001Z

Migraines are the devils child.
You see the above, I get all those types of headaches..
17 years of migraines and counting..

Dear God,
May migraines get a migraine and die..
Amen.

Winter Shorts..

2011-12-05T23:53:00.001Z

So I bought "winter shorts" today! Weather is reaching freezing point and I wana wear goddamn shorts! Anywhoooo, seeing I've lost most of the chemo weight and regaining my figure back, I thought what better than fulfilling a long over due dream of wearing shorts with tights!

When I was a skinny bitch I couldn't wear them as I was too thin, but now seeing I've got the legs for them, hell why not!

So I shall wear my winter shorts with tights and gorg cardigan and knee length jacket with boots, a cross between preppy/prosi look.

Just hoping mother doesn't smack me with a sh7a6a when she sees me in my winter shorts :D

Bereavement; Which is the worst?

2011-12-04T16:34:00.001Z

In the past month a friend of mine lost her mother to cancer, another friend lost her 15 year old son to cancer, Allah yr7amhom o y9abir ahalhom.

I couldn't help but think, which is worse? To lose your own child that you carried in your insides for 9 months, loved and nourished for 15 years? Or lose a mother, whom carried you for 9 months in her insides, protected, loved, and raised you? Both cases are devastating and I don't wish anyone to go through, as I have seen the sadness and pain both are going through. Both have a piece of their soul and heart stripped from them, but, is there one less painful than the other?

I saw the pain in my mothers' eye when I had cancer, and saw the pain in my friends' eye when her mother got sick. But such is life. God gives. God takes.

Is one scenario more tolerable than the other after the sadness and bereavement passed over?

Taggies

2011-12-01T16:38:00.001Z

And I felt like doing a Tag!

A
– Available: Not interested
– Age: 30
– Animals: Elephants and my aunts cat

B
– Beer: Hate its stench
– Best friends: 1 in Turkey. 2 in Kuwait
– Body Part on opposite sex: Height I guess
– Best feeling in the world: Worry free
– Best weather: London summer
– Been in Love: Yes
– Been on stage: Yes
– Believe in Magic: Yes
– Believe in Santa: Nop
– Brand: Anything that takes my fancy

C
– Candy: Love it
– Color: Maroon
– Chocolate/Vanilla: HATE vanilla. Dark chocolate addict
- Chinese/Indian/Italian: Italian. Chinese. Indian
- Cake or pie: Cake for life.
– Cheese: Like, though I heard it makes one stupid

D
– Day or Night: Used to be a night owl. Now love daytime
– Dancing in the rain: Never danced in the rain, though kissed in the rain, does that count?

E
– Eyes: Green
– Ever failed a class: Mathematics 4 or 5 times, I don't remember
– Enemies: 3 I think
– Exercise: No can do, though I walk a lot

F
– First thoughts waking up: il7amdillah alathy a7yana ba3d ma amtna w elyh elnshoor
– Food: The only pleasure of life

G
– Greatest Fear: Nothing anymore
– Get along with your parents: Yes/No

H
– Hair Color: brown with a lot of grey
– Happy: Content
– Holiday: what's that?

I
– Ice Cream: My guilty pleasure

J
– Jewelry: Yes, yes, and yes.
– Job: Currently I'm in pain if I stand or sit. So ya job is out of the question

K
– Kids: Hate the little fuckers
– Kickboxing or karate: Wish I knew how
– Keep a journal: Blogging

L
– Love: Bullshit
– Laughed so hard you cried: Couple days ago when my cousin was attempting to speak Arabic

M
- Milk flavor: KDD choco milk
– Movies: Luv all except horror
– Motion sickness: Can't sit in the back seat of a car

N
– Number: 4

O
– One wish: I have none

P
– Perfect Pizza: Waitrose's vegetarian pizza
– Pepsi/Coke: Coke
– Perfume/Cologne: Black Musk

Q
– Quail: Who?

R
– Reason to cry: Physical pain
– Reality T.V: Made in Chelsea
– Radio Station: Capital FM 95.8

S
– Song: Nothing really
– Shoe size: 36-37 (blame the steroids)
– Salad Dressing: Balsamic, mayo, olive oil, salt, pepper
– Skinny dip: Hell NO. Fish will get in places where fish should never be!
– Strawberries/Blueberries: Raspberries but I eat Blueberries 3 times a week like medication, yuk, hate them
– Sport: Football
- Sex: Can't judge it if you haven't tried it

T
– Tattoos: Contemplating a second
– Thunderstorms: Scare the shit out of me

U
– Unpredictable: All the time, ppl underestimate me

V
– Vacation spot(s): Got couple in mind

W
– Weakness: Mother getting sick
– Who makes you laugh the most: No one
– Worst Weather: The bloody cold/rain

X
– X-Rays: about 20 in last 2 years, 4 PETs, 20 CTs

Y
-Year it is now: 2011
-Yellow: summer time

Z
– Zoo animal: Again elephants.

London Oddities!

2011-11-29T01:34:00.001Z

I got used to the crazy's of London, weird sculptures, streakers in the middle of december, elephant statues all over the city, wacky building, etc, etc. But sometimes I can't help but stand in the middle of the street and say 'What The Fuck'! Last week I was passing my Marble Arch only to see this odd colorful structure erected in the middle of the roundabout!

On closer inspection, to my utter disbelief, it was trash! Behold!! when Trash becomes Art! Only in London I tell you.

Tilt your heads to read the description, some sort of an artistic take on recycling!

A closer look! It really is T R A S H ! !

I was in a black taxi the other day when I saw wires hanging out of the side panel under the side window. At first glance I thought it was volume controller, looked again and read the above caption only to discover it's a Mobile Charger!!! Not only Mobile but iPad, other tablets, Nokia, BlackBerry, iPhone, Samsung, Motorella, with chargers for old and new usb for BB and Nokia!! How freaking cool? A quick cab ride turns into a quick pit stop to recharge your phone/tablet/iPod battery! Super cool I tell you, must implement in all cabs across the world not only London seeing we've become entirely dependent on technology.

Window display of Massimo Dutti, on Oxford St. It isn't odd at all, but I had to snap a pic as I loved the creativity behind it. The way in which it was presented captured the eyes of the passers by, truly artistic in a fashionable manner. Kudos to Dutti for the fabulous window.

To Blog?

2011-11-27T23:51:00.001Z

Blogging has become so commercial that I feel it's embarrassing for one to bear their soul to strangers any more. I flick through blogs around and all I see is buy this, buy that, eat this, eat that, wear this, wear that, etc.

Has bearing ones heart and soul on their blog became 'so passé'??
Nonetheless, blogging is ones outlet and he/she is free to discuss whatever they please.

This blog has become Cancer Central. I talk about it endlessly, but what else can I say, when I myself revolve around it!

I had a low point couple days back, I feel the need to let it out here. But, is anyone listening? Has this blog been known as the Cancer talk spot, which causes people to avoid it like the plague it is? Is there a point in me talking, spilling, ranting? Come to think of it, I never bothered with who read what I wrote, nor cared ( apologies for the bluntness ).

I miss this spot, I miss my little haven in cyber space where I spill.. I need to get back on track and be here more often. For my sake, for my insanities sake, for the love of blogging..

Fabulous Day

2011-11-26T13:41:00.001Z

I'm a believer.

Because it's 1 of those days..

2011-11-24T18:34:00.001Z

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My FIRST Anniversary!

2011-11-19T14:35:00.001Z

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

A year ago today I was told I was Cancer FREE (read here). It was by far the happiest day and the biggest achievement of my life! Within the 2 years I was mis-diagnosed, diagnosed, treated, and cured I went to hell and back, you might think I'm exaggerating but you will never understand how extremely difficult it was till you walk in my shoes. I embarked on the toughest journey any human being can take and came out standing! Yes at times I wished and begged God for death but some how I managed to reach the finishing line and tagging Remission :D

Today I am in Remission.
Today I am ONE year old.
Today I celebrate my 1st year cancer free anniversary!

Happy BirthAversary to ME :)

Fuck My Life

2011-11-17T22:34:00.001Z

I have a MRI scan in the morning and a PET scan in the afternoon. Tomorrow will be super fun, so much fun, that I won't be able to walk by 4pm. You think I'm joking? Nope, I'm not. If I lay still on my back on an uncomfortable surfaces I get severe back pains causing me to literally be unable to walk with a straight back, and I have to be helped till I reach my bed with double dose of painkillers.

Oh did I mention I have to start fasting from 8am till about 4pm?!

I'm angry. Just angry. Angry at my luck, my life, my fucking life that have to put me through this.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

So be it..

2011-11-15T18:38:00.001Z

So I was meant to have my routine check up with just blood tests.. But knowing me, drama has to take place! Oncologists ordered CT Scan on 2nd day of 3eed (fun). I have that done and what do Oncologists say?? This is fun, take a wild guess! The results are cleared BUT (told ya drama) I need to do MORE bloods, MRI scan (suspecting Disc), and the icing on the cake... Wait for it.. Wait.. PET SCAN! that is the most torturous scan of all, from fasting 6 hours, to being injected with radiation, laying flat on my back on a narrow ass board, to being ill the entire day and the day after. So ya within 2-3 weeks all that crap should be done and i'll see Oncologists again.. I'll keep ya darlings posted but I'm hopeful for a change.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Happy Kharoofa

2011-11-05T15:52:00.001Z

Wishing you all a Happy Eid..

As for me, I'll celebrate it with a CT Scan on Monday, a doctors visit on Tuesday, and results on Friday with my darling Oncologists..

Yes, this isn't the happiest blog on the block..

Nor am I..

3eedkom mubarak.

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

1 Year? Pending!

2011-10-19T01:17:00.000+01:00

A year ago today, I had my 12th and final chemotherapy session. A month after it I was told I was cancer free. All is good, right? No! Set aside that it has been a very difficult year, as road to recovery is extremely difficult. From every 3 month checks to hospitalisation to procedures to pains and aches etc etc etc..

I had a scheduled appointment for the 4th of November, my 1st 3 month check into my 1st year of Remission and marking my 1 year anniversary. But as always, I'm experiencing some pains and problems and will go in to see the oncologists next week.

I freaked out, I've been poking and prodding my body for lymph nodes/lumps/tumours. I thought I'd hit my 1st year anniversary and it would get easier but apparently not! Till the last days of it I have to worry and freak out that I've had a relapse.

Feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen. A ticking bomb about to explode. A nightmare about to unfold. Yes yesss I KNOW be optimistic, don't worry, you're fine, blah blah all the healthy 'normal' people talk. I CANNOT help but worry! My wound is fresh, my pain is painful, my scars haven't healed, my memory is so vivid that I remember every aching moment of my excruciating journey.

I don't want to walk that road again. I don't want to fight for my right to live. I don't want to receive poison in order to save me. I don't want to lose my new hair. I don't want to die..

19 October 2010 I walked in to take my 12th poisonous chemotherapy session.

19 October 2011 in my bed worrying that I have cancer again as symptoms are hitting me left and right!

Maybe its just my body gone haywire. Maybe its nothing. Maybe just maybe next week I will be told I'm still Cancer free and will hit the 19th of November a champion that defeated Stage 4B!

Such a blessing to be alive. Yet such torture I must face with Cancer dangling over my head.

But then again Allah 3a6a w Allah khatha.. He gave me my health and he can take it back any second. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

Children&Cancer

2011-09-26T14:28:00.004+01:00

For once I am proud to be a blogger as I am able to participate in spreading the word of this great project for a heart breaking cause. Children with Cancer, two words that shouldn't be in the same sentence bs la 7awla wla quwa hathy 7kmat Allah sob7ana w ta3ala. Q8Rain kicked off this project where they are asking for presents to donate to children with cancer.

I urge, plead, and beg you to help, by either spreading the word or donating gifts of whatever you like. You all knew that I used to recieve "chemo packages" for six months every two weeks. Those gifts used to make my day and weeks, they were the only thing that used to cheer me up, only thing I look forward to, only thing that pushed me to tolerate the hell of Cancer and torture of Chemo. Those little gifts were my hope, my reminder, that I am loved, cared for, and remembered by friends and bloggers and not forgotten just because I am sick.

The children need such hope and love, please help.

Please visit www.kwt-hope.blogspot.com for more information on how to contact Q8Rain. Below is what is posted on the blog. Kindly reblog this post and spread the word.

" I'm glad that im in online community that i can called it "My online family", so they can support each other in any good cases that you have .. Last week i came up with an idea to benfit the sick Kids at the NBK Hospital so i contacted the KACCH who's responsible of any donations to the Hospitals here in kuwait .

I shared my idea with my colleuge IYAA Blog and she offer all of her effort to make my idea alive anyway I went with her to that meeting with the KACCH at the NBK Hospital and came out with different simple idea which is Doing party for the kids every month! so because of this i emailed my online family "every blogger i knew" hoping that i will find the support from each one of them ,because it's the TIME TO PAY BACK to our community so we will be committed to do party to the kids with cancer diseases EVERY MONTH in the NBK Hospital,
Anyway our first party next week i needed 70 Gifts so i emailed asking them to buy 5-10 gifts to the kids as much as they can "simple gifts even if its coloring books".. because i want the kids be happy in one day of their life "some of them might not make it till next week" so Kindly support this case.

So Far who reply back are Basma 13Cubs, BerooQ8, Red Sonja, His&Her, BlogLaish, Habitan Blog, Q8Blend, Hind AL Nahedh, Q8Black Market, 3ateeja, The Triple F, The Side Talk, Qortuba Valley , Danderma ... Thank you guys and im still waiting my other bloggers to reply back .. because i really need help for that event and anyone how intersted to sponser one of the month i will be happy because i just care about the littel 65 angles who are waiting for someone to make them happy. "

Help!

:)(:

2011-09-20T23:37:00.001+01:00

The hardest thing is trying to be in a good mood 24/7! I mustn't feel sad, upset, angry, depressed, annoyed, or cry just incase it weakens my body and causes cancer relapse.

Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a mission to live with utmost happiness and a smile plastered across my face! Do you know how freaking difficult it is to suppress your feelings just in fear of it causing damage!

Oh well who ever said life was easy? :)

Did you grow up?

2011-09-18T22:40:00.004+01:00

I asked a question on twitter as its been pondering on my mind for couple of weeks now. Has your personality changed from 20s to 30s?

I've become more observant, more mellow, I take in the surroundings more than participate. In a way I lost interest in communicating with people as the majority have become "Blah" to me, hence, I analyse their behaviours.

Maybe because after my illness my mindset changed drastically that I see everything/life from a different perspective. People in their 30s behaving like those in their teens, 40s like those in their 20s, and the 60s well those are just screwed.

With age one assumes that people change and develop an understanding of life, priorities, interests, attitude, outlook on life, hell even fashion sense. But to no avail, some are stuck in a nutshell back in the 90s, two decades ago.

I always said to each his own, the above is simple observation of some, I don't give a flying toss to be honest, if they're happy with the latter then so be it, but I cannot help feeling sorry for such persons.

Q: Are you still the same person or have you evolved into the 'better you' ?

p.s. i missed blogging..

Double the Joy :*

2011-09-13T22:52:00.003+01:00

Happy Birthday to the best twins EVER!

Happy Birthday to the sweetest girls EVER!

Happy Birthday to Anony & Zawi..

Happy Birthday my sweet little ladies :* :*

Blog On

2011-09-07T13:04:00.001+01:00

I've lost my blogging mojo. Meh.

Ramadan Kareem.

2011-07-31T14:51:00.005+01:00

Mbarak 3alaikom eshahar o kil 3am wintaw bkhair.

You can't imagine how sad I am. My favorite time of the year is here again and for a second year in a row I'm not allowed to fast ;(

Yn3ad 3alaikom b9i7a wil 3afya o tqabal Allah 63atkom. Mwa9ekom mo tensony mn edo3a.

Happy Ramadan my dear readers yn3ad 3alaina inshallah :)

idc

2011-07-30T00:40:00.002+01:00

What don't you care about?

iWonder.

2011-07-25T15:21:00.003+01:00

Did your life turn out the same way you thought it would when you were a child?

Never Ending.

2011-07-21T00:42:00.003+01:00

(3ala golat Danderma all I need is a receiver and I can watch TV with that tube in my arm)

Nearly 3 months ago I was woken up at 5am from stabbing pain in my stomach (m3da), was like nothing I've experienced before. I couldn't sleep and was getting worse till 8am that's when everything was getting worse and I blacked out on my mother's feet whilst she was asleep. W3laya 3alaiha hal maraa kila mkhar3t'ha w ehy nayma :/

The rest you all know, I was hospitalized for 3 days and literally starved No Food No Water!! For 3 days I was living on drip and morphine, pain not subsiding, and they discharged me because they couldn't diagnose, as always! I did Ultrasound, CT Scan, PET Scan, and a gastroscopy with sedation. Well still they don't know what's causing it.

Yesterday I had to do EUS (Endoscopy with Ultrasound) under general anesthetic. I did s0 many procedures in the past 2 years that I really don't care anymore nor emotionally feel a thing. Only concern is I HATE general anesthetic and that split second before you get knocked out scares the living day lights out of me.

This procedure was absolutely shit. Firstly, I was delayed 2 hours (bear in mind I was fasting), anger and cursing in every language was flying around whilst I was dressed in my blue surgical gown. Secondly, I was dehydrated which caused all my veins to disappear and it took them 3 tries to cannulate me. Meaning my arm looks like that of a druggie today, all bruised black and blue. Nurse, anesthetist, and main anesthetist were trying to calm me down (hold me down) to find a vein, it was beyond painful. Thirdly, they attached blood pressure to my leg, heart beat monitor to finger/wires on chest, cannula on left hand, a blue plastic thing in my mouth to keep it open so they can shove the scope down my throat, AND on top of that they wanted to insert an oxygen sponge tube in my nose!!! For fuck me sake shlooooon!! Oh did I forget to mention they sprayed my throat with some anesthetic spray that made me wana vomit my stomach out.

All of that happened within the 10 minutes they were trying to knock me out but they couldn't. All I remember, I was crying and tears running down my face with one doctor holding my hand, nurse holding my other hand and wiping my tears, and all I did was look at the clock in front of me saying il7amdillah il7amdillah il7amdillah over and over again till I passed out.

Woke up feeling like been hit by a bus and with no voice at all. So ya shit is never ending..

The Perfect Make-Up

2011-07-08T17:29:00.012+01:00

After Chemo I've been looking for make-up that's for sensitive skin or delicate products, seeing anything causes my skin to flare up red. I found the following products to be amazing and good for sensitive skin. I'm very picky with make-up so trust me if I approve of these then they must be SUPER good.

Yves Saint Laurent - Perfect Touch Foundation
Love how simple it is to apply and doesn't smudge nor blotch!

Benefit - One Hot Minute
Fabulous loose bronzer. You can apply on a bare face and will still give a shimmer and shine.

Benefit - Hello Flawless
Pressed foundation can be applied with sponge or brush. Good coverage and good for when you're on the run.

Chanel - Soleil Tan De Chanel
Liquid, dab on both cheeks and you will shine a mile away! Love it!!
Gives a sun-kissed fresh look.

Benefit- Brow Zings
Been using this for years and years, will never change it.

Benefit- Bad Gal
Fabulous mascara for sensitive eyes. Some of my eye lashes haven't grown back yet.
But when I apply Bad Gal no one can tell the difference as it fills in to the extant that you can't see the missing lashes :D

Vaseline - Lip Therapy
I cannot be bothered to apply lipstick or lipgloss.
This lovely product gives a tint\moisturize the lips!

Shameful

2011-07-06T13:02:00.002+01:00

It is shameful when one has Zero self respect!

i still rant

2011-06-06T16:14:00.002+01:00

There comes a time where you're just fed up of it all.. Shall i rant? Shall i bitch and complain? Shall i silence my anger? Shall i name and shame? Shall i say I'm still in physical pain? Shal i say this and that? Shall i name call? Shall i just fuck it all and not give a fuck?

Every actions requires an action. What if i don't want to take any form of action? What if i just want to sail in a mute world? What if i want everyone and everything the shut the fuck up?

When will it get better? When will humans get better? When will i wake with a smile and sleep with a smile? When will i forget? When will i be 'normal' ?

I don't seek approval. I don't give a damn. I don't care about anyone. I don't give a fuck about you. I just don't know when i will be concerned with minute shit and be a happy dumb fuck like the masses..

Chemo Brain

2011-05-18T22:35:00.004+01:00

We all complain about memory loss, we can't remember where we placed things, phone numbers, names, etc. With the fast paced life this became the norm. Yet that is nothing compared to Chemo Brain.

Funny name, the first time I heard the term I thought my oncologist was joking. Apparently after Chemotherapy your cognitive memory is affected. 50 percent of chemo patients recover from Chemo Brain whilst the rest will suffer permanently.

My memory is in tatters. First months after chemo it was Very bad, I'd forget everything and anything, I was in the 'chemo fog' as they call it. I would forget things, names of family, faces, things that I knew, memories, I'd be in mid speech and all of the sudden stop because I cannot remember what I was talking about. With time it has improved I'd say 70-80% improvement. But still suffering a bit, mid conversation memory loss is still a problem. Forgetting where I place things and minor things here and there.

I've got Chemo Brain! Ohh and Chemo Hair apparently but I'll explain that in an other post.

Guzaarish

2011-05-15T13:50:00.005+01:00

I'm not one for Indian movies, I rarely watch them and when I do I watch the ones on MBC that are dubbed in Arabic as I cannot be bothered to read subtitles. On the other hand Mother dearest adores Indian movies, when she suggested we watch Guzaarish staring Aishwarya Rai I was all for it as I simply love her.

To our surprise there were no subtitles! Basically kint a6rash blzafa but may I tell you that film is beyond superb! I have never seen such a great film, definitely Oscar worthy. Yes that good! With the few English words they threw in here and there we understood the plot. From acting, to directing, to music, to mere emotion it was excellent. I highly recommend that you watch it ASAP and if you are as emotional as I am prepare yourself for full on bawling..

Art at its best even when the language is foreign.

Dropping.

2011-05-09T09:59:00.002+01:00

Nothing beats getting on the scale and seeing that you've lost weight!
Never thought I'd be that excited :p
Praise the lord in the heavens I've lost 1 dress size.. My ideal weight is in sight ;)

30 & Fabulous!

2011-05-08T00:41:00.003+01:00

30 Years Old!

30 years full of life..

30 years of being awesome..

30 years of fabulousness & craziness..

May I kick ass for many years to come..

SURVIVOR :D

2011-05-07T01:00:00.003+01:00

--A year exactly today I was told Happy 29th Birthday, you have Cancer! --

My world halted, shocked, pain, sadness, Chemotherapy, hair loss,
nausea, heart scares, lung scares, shoulder scares, more Chemo,
tiredness, lethargy, endlessssssss doctors, tests, scans, million
needles, REMISSION, 1st 3 month check, and today 2nd 3 month check.

--Fast forward an exact year --

Congratulations you are Cancer FREE and you will enter your 30th
birthday stronger than EVER and a SURVIVOR :D

ALF IL7AMDILLAH :D Allah ya7fithny o yshafeni o yshafy kil mareeth.

p.s. I kicked Hodgkin's Lymphoma's ASS baaaaaaaaaby ;)

Of it All.

2011-05-04T22:49:00.002+01:00

I'm fed up.

Danderma THE Author

2011-04-28T00:28:00.003+01:00

Dear darlings kindly congratulate our one and only lovely Danderma on publishing her first BOOK! YaaaaaaY *throws confetti in the air*

I couldn't be happier for you sweetheart..
A job well done and may many MANY more books follow ;)

BUY HERE!

Chemo Cakes

2011-04-24T19:04:00.008+01:00

Before the whole Cancer ordeal the only thing I knew how to cook was Pasta and that's 1 dish of pasta ONLY! With the fake surge of energy that Steroids gave me and eating restrictions that chemo imposed, I used to crave sugar and cake like a mad woman! And what would a mad woman do when in need of chocolate cake?? She BAKES! I did what any self respectable woman would do, I emailed Danderma for instructions on how to bake. She instructed and I baked and Baked and baked and baked and baked and carried on BAKING till this day! Cancer, Chemotherapy, and Steroids turned me into a Baker! Mostly I baked for my Chemo nurses as they used to work so hard and I felt the need to repay their kindness and efforts. Mind you they all complained that I made them gain weight as at times I used to bake 2 cakes at a time :p I leave you with an array of my Chemo Cakes.. Enjoy <3

This was my 1st edible cake.

Whitey

Nutter

I cant remember the original cake associated name I gave it BUT
everyone else calls it 'The Nipple' :\

Nutella & Smarties

The Biscuit

The Coconut

Flakes

Ramadan Mess

Choco

Sweet & Sour

Colours

Black & White

Walnutty

Rozi's

Bun in the Oven

2011-04-20T14:43:00.001+01:00

How do we feel about mothers-to-be flaunting their baby bumps?

Yaiy OR Naiy ?

Why?

Pray4elMohandisa

2011-04-05T02:46:00.001+01:00

I cannot put in words how much this breaks my heart to write. I cannot find the words because it hurts me more than you can imagine. I will keep it short. Because I've been there. Because I know how she will feel. Because it's Cancer.

-19 year old girl. A future engineer.

-Stage 2 Cancer.

-12 Chemo's

-First Chemo on Tuesday 5th April.

Please ed3aw Allah yshafeha o ygaweha 3alaih w ysahil 3alaiha elchemotherapy.

Ed3olaha methil md3aitoly o ALf il7amdillah tshafait. Ed3olaha o ed3oly o ed3aw 7ag kil mareeth.

‏‏‏يارب انت الشافي والكافي والمعافي فاشفي مرضى المسلمين من كل داء وعافهم وأتم شفاءهم يا أرحم الراحمين

I will keep you updated on her progress.
Galbi ma3ach :*

BettyFATTYBoop :O

2011-04-02T01:00:00.005+01:00

Ladies and Gents I give you FourMe!

As my old followers know I've always struggled with my weight. I tried the impossible of all impossibles to gain weight but to no avail. Since I was a teen till a year ago I was a size 8 (UK - that's 50-53 kg). I was always named Betty Boop; slender figure with the trademark Betty cleavage.

But! Damn there is a big BUTT here..
Betty had Cancer.
Betty went on Steroids.
Betty esmillah 3alaiha GAINED weight :\

One thing I didn't mention during the Chemo phase was the effects of Steroids on me. Well for a very good reason. Majority who get Cancer lose drastic weight with chemotherapy. But Allah kareem o maynsa 3bada. God knew that I would not have been able to take chemo for 12 sessions with my body that's been weakened and destroyed by Cancer. You want to see proof of how God is GREAT and Merciful? He gave me a Cancer that part of its treatment is Steroids. With only Steroids I was able to complete my 12 sessions and my body was able to withstand the TORTURE of chemotherapy. Alf il7amd lik ya Rabi ya kareem.

Thkraw Allah o samaw br7man o golaw MASHALLAH 3ala what I'm about to say next please..

Cancer was in my body for long and severely destroyed my body and caused excessive weight lose. At my FIRST chemo session I was 46 kg. On my 12th and FINAL session I was 68 kg.

I gained 22 kilos in 5 months.

To anyone that sees me I looked normal BUT to people who know me I looked obese! I went from a size 8 to a 16!!! Esmillah 3alay 9rt 3bara 3an mini van mot7arik :p

Danderma always told me careful what you wish for when I said I want to gain weight.. Well BA BOOOOM here we go wish granted with a smack of 22 kilos!

Every 2 weeks I had to shop as my clothes wouldn't fit me.. at times I had to wear clothes from my mother.. wakhzya :\ It is very very ODD to be dare I say it FAT compared to my old slim self. My cousins call me " Fatty BumBum" :'( Now if that isn't by itself motivation to lose weight then I don't know what is!!

Fair enough the weight I gained was due to Steroids and water retention but fuck I blew up like a Hot air balloon! I shan't discuss what happened to my ladies as you can let your imaginations run wild and it could justify why I was flinging my bra off in public :\ Bgara 7aloob comes to mind..Mind you I'm starting to lose the weight as Steroids are buggering off out of my body il7amdillah.. If it wasn't for the Steroids I would most probably be DEAD by now as Chemo would have destroyed my organs and me in its path. See how God is great? Gave me a Cancer that wouldn't kill me BUT made me stronger so I get cured from it!! Sob7an Allah how he calculates everything down to a grain of fat even in sickness!

Moral of story is Cancer made me FAT! It made me chubby, karsha wiggling, ass bouncing, fkhooth owning, znood jiggling, booby wooshing, KHDO000000OD squishing, mdalgima BettyFATTYBoob! La w zedaw 3alaih short hair, mako Cabbage doll o mga3ida :p

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

Eh

2011-03-12T02:48:00.000Z

i need to post more often..

The C.

2011-03-06T18:14:00.000Z

You can never be normal again. You can never forget about it. You can never put it behind your back and forget about it. You will always see it. You'll look at yourself and see eyes that speak a thousand words of pain and agony. You see a scar that will always stare you in the face. You are always referred to as a super strong person which holds you back from showing weakness.

No matter what you do it will ALWAYS be there!

Those who never had it will tell you with time you'll forget about it and be "normal" again. Those who had it will tell you it'll subside but it'll always be there.

You struggle whilst you have it and after you have it! It is what I call Eternal Damnation. Others call it Cancer.

Meh

2011-02-21T12:56:00.000Z

StrongMe

2011-02-11T21:14:00.002Z

How strong are you?

My Room

2011-02-09T01:38:00.000Z

You enter a room it's almost pitch black, there is barely enough light to see what is in front of your eyes. The ceiling is low that it doesn't allow you to stand straight, must crouch in order to walk. There is no ventilation in it, difficult to breathe, what you exhale is what you inhale. With every breath of air it is more and more difficult to breathe, you're reaching a point where you're gasping for air.

You wonder around aimlessly only to come across what looks like a person, the first, there is just enough light to see its silhouette. The back is so arched that reminds you of that gymnastic position that you used to do back in primary school, (the bridge) that's what's its called. Yet the figure is so stretched and arched that you feel agony just by looking at it.

You back away and wonder around the room till you come across the second figure, it is pushing the concrete wall with all its might, pushing, slamming, trying to break the wall but to no avail. Slowly falls to the ground from the endless bashing to regain its strength. After a while of seeming helpless gradually pulls itself up and starts to break the wall again. Still not even a crack. Helplessness sums it up.

The more you wonder around the smaller the room gets, the walls are pushing in, the ceiling is getting lower and forcing you to crouch more and more. Breathing has become near to impossible. Yet you see the third one on the floor, you can't tell what its doing until you come close enough to see it's laying on the floor clutching its knees so tight and its in the fetal position. You can't help but wonder what its gone through in order to yearn for the beginning point? To return to the point before its existence. How harsh its reality is that it desired its mothers' womb!

You try to escape the room yet there are no exits, no ins, no outs, simply no out. Even a prison is less torturous than this room... This is my prison. This is my world. This is my jail. I'm locked, blotted, and shut in it. I have no means of escape. I cannot break out of it nor make it more tolerable.

My prison is me. My body. My mind. My existence.

The first, is my spine. That's how it feels constantly. I'm in continues pain, it feels like its going to snap any minute now. I'm in pain.

The second, is my will. I am strong. I don't give up. I push and push. But comes a time when I break. I don't have the will to rise. I am so exhausted that I contemplate giving up.

The third, is me. I'm in a battle by myself and there is no one to help me up. What better to do than wish I was some place safe. And there is no where safer than the point before your existence in this harsh world.

My state of mind is rollercoaster of struggle. My body is my jail that I cannot break away from. My will is only strengthened by my faith.

I shall exist till the struggle is over..

Drops

2011-02-01T00:13:00.000Z

For the past couple of days I've been quite tired, more than the usual tiredness and pains. Extra pains and aches here and there, intense back pains, and new pains popping up.. So far I've been trying to cope with it but dear God it's getting more difficult by the day. Worse and worse as the days pass.. By now you know I don't give in easily so I've been pushing myself to be more social so I don't spend all my days in bed..

Within 3 weeks I'll have my first 3 month check since remission. Yes I wish, pray, and hope that it never returns but realistically there is a chance it will. I don't know what it is, I'm just dreading the day the results come out. Is this what my life will be? Live and enjoy till next check up? Have a mini nervous breakdown every time I remember the day I come back from chemo where I have to be carried by my friend and fed and changed by my mother.

For 2 days now just before I go to bed I remember that my scans are near and can't help but burst into tears, a thousand tears come down my face within seconds, I cover my mouth so no one hears my cries. For less then a minute then I remember that it's God's will, I have no choice nor ability to change my destiny. I hush myself till I fall asleep. Then so be it, this is my life.

I thank God for still being alive and beating so much of my cancer. I feel I'm in a constant battle within myself, constant pull and tug.. Well there isn't much I can do apart from say il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al and inshallah it never comes back..

iHeartMe

2011-01-22T03:44:00.000Z

OFF

2011-01-11T14:04:00.001Z

BLAH

2011-01-09T17:08:00.000Z

I can't stand it anymore! The stupidity. Shallowness. Lameness. Idiocy. Hypocrisy. Two faced morons. Plain and simple patheticness.. Eww eww motherfucking ewww!

Yes hal kithr lay3a chabdi.. I feel like I'm in AirHeadVille. I cannot communicate with anyone! I cannot have an intellectual conversation. I cannot push the boundaries of my thought. All seem to be concerned with petty matters. Everyone is controlled by someone or the other. I'm at awe at the level of stupidity where people converse and attempt to seem intellectual when they all have the knowledge of my toe!

What kills me the most NO ONE gets sarcasm! And what's worse are the morons that try to be sarcastic and tell you by the way I was being sarcastic!! Fucking kill me why don't you !!

Okay that's today's rant for now..

Ta3bana

2011-01-07T21:54:00.001Z

Big Bang

2011-01-01T10:04:00.004Z

Happy New Year My Darlings :*

I'm starting this year with a BANG!

No Resolutions No Crap!

I Promise to LIVE this year to its fullest!

I shall be HAPPY!

WILL cherish every second!

I shall ROCK this Year :D

and

INSHALLAH I WILL HAVE IMPECCABLE HEALTH!

What's your 1 and only selfish wish this year?

What a Year!??!

2010-12-28T23:46:00.000Z

2010 Roundup? More like 2010 fuckup :/

Let's see what this year brought around, shall we?

~It kicked off with mums health deteriorating. Had her 2nd operation in 2 months.

From Feb till May I get BEYOND screwed with doctors, ins and outs from hospital and bullshit diagnoses.

May my 29th birthday and smacked with Cancer :D Operation, biopsys, etc

2 tumors and spread to 6 places :)

CHEMOTHERAPY :)

Torturous months.

REMISSION :D

Ends with Mums health screwed again, 1 more procedure.

~People wise found out who were my friends and foes.

Made fabulous new supportive friends.

Bestfriend gets married :*

Kicked pathetic people out of my life, pathological lairs, and useless ones.

Became MUCH stronger.. Appreciate life more than ever.. Faith grew stronger and stronger il7amdillah..

And that's a wrap for 2010.. Now lets hope 2011 is catastrophe free, full of happiness, laughter, stronger faith, great friendships, and invincible health inshallah..

I wonder what went on in your 2010?! Do share..

I'm in Colour

2010-12-24T23:48:00.000Z

Two days ago was the first time I colour my nails in ages! You should have seen the smile on my face with ever stroke of colour that covered my nails.. Almost a year because prior to chemo I was too ill to be bothered to do my nails and during chemo I wasn't allowed.. Everyone I met in the past couple of days I told them look LOOK I coloured my nails :D No one seems to be as excited as I am, I guess no one felt as deprived as I did.

How many of you colour your nails and think of it as a blessing? I bet all of you don't give it a second thought let alone think it's a blessing. No one thinks such a little thing is important until you're forbidden from it.

p.s. I'm a girl again *giggles*

My Darling Bloggy

2010-12-20T21:14:00.002Z

Here we are once again celebrating your 3rd Birthday!

One of the best things I did in my life was to create you my little darling..

Without you I would have failed to survive this year.

You were my podium on which I stood and voiced my pain, agony, and extraordinary tough journey..

I would have not had such support and compassion from bunch of adorable (yet weird at times :p ) strangers..

Via you I was able to stand solid.. For that I shall adore you forever..

*raises her glass of leban*

To YOU my bloggy may you witness much more happier posts, rants, and endless bitching.

Much MUCH appreciated my love

Happy 3rd my darling :*

:P

2010-12-16T14:07:00.000Z

Retreat

2010-12-13T00:21:00.005Z

I want to travel somewhere like the above, sit by the beach, do absolutely nothing, talk to nobody, and not see 1 single human being.. But cannot do any of that.. Mother would freak out, there is no where this warm and empty, and the crappiest of all I cannot be exposed to the sun for a whole year!! Kill me and kill me now! No one will let me travel alone when I'm this tired, actually the body ache and medicine withdrawal is bitching painful. I spend my days resting because if I move an inch I huff and puff like an oldie, each step I take is like a thousand needles going through my body :/ No one told me Remission is this damn painful.. Ehh mra7 ykoon worse than the chemo and that hell.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

I need a freaking secluded island so bad..

If you had a choice to drop everything this instant and piss off to any place where would it be?

ProudMe!

2010-12-11T00:08:00.002Z

We spend our lives trying to please our parents by getting their approval and blessing. Majority of people consider either of their parents their idol, inspiration, mentor, or simply look up to them..

When you lovely dears one after the other tell me I'm your inspiration or I altered your life some way or the other, I say "they're bunch of delusional people who are being too kind with their words". Honest to God most of the time I think anyone in my situation would have done the same. Yet I know me, I know how physically fragile I am. So at times I do say Mashallah I faced this head on and beat it!

Thing is couple days ago my mother had a procedure done on her joints and back without any anaesthetic, PAINFUL it was :(

(in translation)
Me: mama did it hurt?
Her: Very painful. But I said if you can handle chemo and bone marrow biopsy and went through all that pain then I should handle this.
Me: *shocked face for about 10 seconds* (speechless) *a smile this big :D on my face* awww mommy thank you *hugged her*

Ladies and Gentlemen MY MOTHER looks up to ME :D I am my mothers inspiration :D After what my mama said I believe what all you people said and I know for a FACT now (esmillah 3alay Alah y7fithny) that I AM one strong kickass chick ;)

I am Proud of ME :D

iReallyDon't

2010-12-09T19:24:00.002Z

"I am all confused!
You are very thankful to Allah, you are very patient wel sabreen 2ajrohom 3azem 3end Allah, you appear to be kind, you are talking about how you believe soret el baqara (it can be considered roqya BTW) was the reason you standed all this and you are cured....then i see your blog title with the "ASTI CINZANO", your disply pic! I read some of your old posts and see your anger, boldness, and the "I don't care" part!...I don't get! The only thing I get though is that something really good lies within you, something that needs care to grow..
"في الثبات نبات"
choose something, stick to it, give it time and care, and something good will grow! "

The above comment was left on the post Blessing . Now I usually don't care about comments of such nature nor reply to them but enough is enough. This post is not dedicated only to Anonymous who left this comment but all those who left similar comments over the past 6 months.

1. Who are you or any other person to second guess my faith? Or what I believe or don't believe in?? I don't go around preaching religion to anyone because at the end of the day I do not care if you burn in hell or spend eternity in the seventh heaven. Who are you people to tell me to "Keep my faith while going through hell of Cancer" ? A7ad shakelkom el7al?? shftony (a3otho billah) kfart?? I KEPT my faith and kept it in a way better than alot of people in my situation!! Yes your intentions are good but my dears some of you who told me to keep my faith are exactly those of you who don't follow the words of God!! So let's not go there!

2. My display picture that seems to bother SO many of you, is a POLITICAL STATEMENT!! If and if you don't know me and what my passion is, its Politics, I have 2 degrees in it and spent 5 years studying it, and will inshallah get a PhD in it one day. Only such bold statements grab the illiterates attention, and obviously it has done so!

3. Do I seem like an angel? Well if the answer is Yes then you are an IDIOT! There is no such person. I am NOT an angel, I have another side to me which is of no ones business. For all it matters to you I can be a stripper and STILL it ain't any of our business!

4. It ain't important that you get it! This blog is not put up so "you get it" or understand it! I blog because I want to NOT to please people or conform into what they see is appropriate!

p.s. I won't stick to it .. I am happy this way :)

REMISSON!!

2010-12-07T03:17:00.001Z

The thing about Cancer is that it destroys you and takes over your life. For a year and half I've been in and out of hospitals for pain and hell. But when diagnosed in May, well that's when the shit hit the fan :/ For the past six months my life was ALL about chemo, tumours, scares, meds, and nausea. I had nothing else and did nothing else, apart from my dashes in the middle of the night to McDonald's to satisfy my urges :/ Point is I forgot how life is and was without Cancer.. I got so used to bad news that I forgot how to expect good news..

--------------------------
The Day a Cancer Patient is ReBorn!

After I had my scans done on the 16th I was expected to see doctors on the 26th but me being me and having no patience, I call and change it to the 19th because I would have lost my mind if I waited any longer!

Needless to say from Tuesday till Friday I lost my mind, I worried, worried, and worried. 6 months of chemo every 2 weeks was TOO much by anyone's standards let alone FourMe (elna3ma edaloo3a ely mt7mal shay) fuck did I prove I'm the opposite. Come Friday, I slap on make up, I dress up like I used to do for Chemo Tuesdays, t36art o tbkhart, 9alait o garait Quran gabil la a6la3. Now my darling darling Turkish friend couldn't make it to London, so instead mother, uncles wife, and cousin take me to hospital. On the way I think I screamed at them all a dozen times and mostly my mother. Yes I'm ashamed :( Yet I was fearing for my life, I was afraid of needing chemo every 3 days or radiation or even surgery! With final session of chemo my veins literally shut, they cannot take anymore of it, meaning with any sort of more treatment I would require surgery where they insert a port in my chest to give chemo in and withdraw blood from :(

Now seeing I was over booked because the malgoofa me couldn't wait another week, they made me wait near 2 hours to see the doctor. With every fling of the door my heart sank more and more, with every look at the gloom faces around I got even more and more depressed. I was fed up of being the youngest yet most screwed on my Professor's list! At 1 point my specialist came over and said we'll see you soon but "It's all good" ! My world stopped for a split second yet I didn't allow myself to believe it ! I didn't want to believe I'm "normal" without all the facts. Mother asked what she said, told her she said its good but I don't know what that means so don't get your hopes up :/

They call me in and I tell them I want to go in alone, I can't take bad news in front of my mother or anyone else or show weakness (the only exception now is my Turkish friend). I go in and wait for my prof or bunch of docs am used to, instead they send me a dumb ass SLUT yes a SLUT that I never met from before or knows my case! And what does she do? She reads me CT-Scan results first then PET Scan and says the following.

"You have 1 tumour left, it could be just skin and could stay with you for life, some lacerations on spine, some around the heart (which I didn't even know that I had!!), all in all this is good". She looks at me and says "why aren't you happy !? This is good news!!" Okay in my head I was thinking hathy 7mara wila 7mara?! We continue talking back and forth for near 30min on how that's good w ana mo fahma laish good and what it means?!! So I ask her to go call my specialist nurse because any minute now I will jump on her and literally antifha :/

They both come back and before anything she tells my nurse with a smile on her face "I just told her results of CT scan and NOT PET scan" La laaa etqashmar! Thbalat chabdi o didn't tell me o bint omha still got more results!!! She says bkil fakhar "yes it shows you responded to chemo and your cancer is inactive". Now my nurse knows I'm crazy, no not wild crazy but threaten to kill my professor if he doesn't give me chemo, cry when they delay my chemo Tuesday, and literally throw tantrums, scream, and shout crazy. Yes I was mad and chemo made it worse. Elmohim my nurse fearing for the newbie doctors life she comes over and says THE MUCH AWAITED word. The word that I've been dreaming of since the day I was told I have Cancer, the word that would end my suffering, the word that meant I have another shot at life, the word that means I'm normal again, that goddamn word that I thought was far very far from my grasp! She leans over puts her hand on my left shoulder and says "You're in REMISSION, complete remission". And that's when I was born that is when I was REBORN that is when my tears trickled down my newly formed chubby cheeks.. Alf il7amd lik ya rabi ya kareem :D

I leave tell my mother and she doesn't grasp it for a while, I guess I scared them so much that I was expecting the worse that her and everyone believed I'm still sick, plus when the slut doc left to call nurse I told her what she said. She called aunts and told them so el3moom was 7azeen :/

I had to run around hospital getting meds, booking scans in 3 months time, and go to my chemo nurses and tell them, one of them hugged me and teared up! Afterwards I go to my mother and see her sitting alone looking gloomy, I tell her "Mama I'm in remission. Smile!" she's still shocked but that's when I broke down in complete and utter tears, tears like I just died and came back to life, Oh wait I did just do that :P I kissed her head, her hands, and fell in her lap with a thousand tears drenching my face and her clothes. I never knew happy tears felt SO good, ghsalaw chabdi o chabd omi! She cried so hard that she broke my new heart, Alah y3enha she went through hell. I left hospital and went to KFC to celebrate :p hehehe yes ana dathra w etha yi3t ma3arf shay jdami ghair foooooood :p I celebrated with greasy chicken :D

And that's my dears how I got my life back.. Now please keep me in your prayers because I have to be checked every 3 months for the first year. Pray that I'm cured for life o Alah la y3oda 3alay o ytmim 3alay e97a wil 3afya o yshafy kil mareeth bhal 3alam.

Alf il7amdillah Alf il7amdillah ALF IL7AMDILLAH :D

Blessing

2010-12-04T22:06:00.001Z

I listened to it 12 times.. 12 times it played into my ears and felt it moving through my body, into my blood, the words carried through my veins alongside with chemo destroying my Cancer. Believe you me I felt the words of Surat AlBaqarah are what cured me and destroyed my Cancer and not Chemotherapy..

From my first chemo session till the last(the 12th) I listened to it. The second they push in my pre-chemo meds I switch AlBaqarah on my phone and listen to it till the last drop of chemo has entered my veins, usually it lasts for 2 hours and that's how long my chemo took, yet there were times where I listened to it twice because I'd have complications and chemo lasts double its duration..

With Surat AlBaqarah and only it and ra7mat Allah I was able to withstand this horrible disease and its torturous chemo.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala n3mat elQuran.

Much Appreciated :*

2010-11-29T22:19:00.004Z

Where do I start from? Whom do I thank first??!? So many yet so little words to express my gratitude..

First and foremost I thank God that gave me a new life and blessed me with remission.. I am so humble, speechless, and helpless. I do not know how to thank him.. I walk on the streets saying il7amdillah over and over again yet I know it is not enough.. If I spend what's left of my life 3ala syadat e9alat thanking Him for this blessing, still it wouldn't be enough! Alf alff il7amd lik ya rabi ya kareem :*

Second.. Even though she won't read this I'd like to thank my mother, a woman that took care of me during this time like a child of a day old, shalatny 3ala kfoof era7a! 3omry ma6la3 mn yzaach ya youma :* Yallah ya kareem ya36eech e97a wil 3afya o yshfeech mn kil marath o y7fthich mn kil shar o yfari7 galbich o ysknich sabi3 jana o may7rimny minich Allahoma ameeeeeeen.. And my aunts and cousins whom were unbelievably supportive and there for me anyway possible..

Third.. My dearest dearesssst darling friend who held my hand for more than 8 hours during each chemo session.. She was there for 10 out of 12 of them.. She flew to be with me every 2 weeks.. Yaa rabii estir 3arth'ha w rzg'ha bzoj e9ali7 ely ys3idha w 7fth'ha mn kil shar..

Fourth.. My darling bestie (even though she's become annoying since she got married, bs ma3thoora tawha 3aroos).. I thank her from the bottom bottommmmm of my heart for being there for me, even though at times i was soo rude to her due to my treatment.. You know no matter what happens how much i love you and consider you a sister not a friend.. Ya kareeeem ya shafi ya mo3afy tshafy omha mn elcancer o tfari7 glaibha o tkamil 3alaiha fr7at'ha.. o tarzig'ha bthoreya e9al7a (2 girls plz God 3ashan etsamy ethanya 3ala esmy :p )

Fifth.. Ohhhh God what do i say???!!! Because i swear to you i have no words to thank these girls for what they have done!! Their kindness makes my heart melt and my eyes tear, i cannot believe i was so blessed to have met such pure and beautiful hearted girls.. In total they sent 13 packages and 1 personally delivered package.. 11 of those packages i couldn't wait to get home to open.. Imagine spending 8 to 10 hours at hospital having blood tests done, endless needle poking, doctor talks/examinations, array of meds, and finally 2 hours of chemo!! Pure poison.. My body and mind used to be destroyed I'd come home feeling like death and cannot lift my hand to eat and my mother has to feed me.. Yet the second i change my clothes i drop to the floor and open my "Tuesday Package" as i liked to call them.. They were the only thing that cheered me up they were the highlight of my day.. Not only those twins Anony and Zawi are truly amazing girls but they sent me those packages every 2 weeks without fail!!! i wish i can do something to repay these darlings yet there isn't i just hope rabi yrzg'hom e97a wil 3afya o yastrhom dinya w akhra o yarzig Zawi eldarazan yahal ely tabehom :p

Sixth and last but not least.. Thank you to Danderma and Palomino for putting up with my mood swings and supporting me even though i was rude and an idiot to them. My darling bloggers, my silent readers, my stalkers, and dear strangers.. Thank you to every person who read my blog or told a loved one/family/friend about me, to every person that wished me well, to every person that prayed for me.. Thank you to every person that participated in the tuesday packeges. Thank you for the lovely and supportive emails. Thank you for every comment. Thank you for your posts. Thank you for the site/article in paper/flowers/ and endless support. Without ALL of this i would not have been able to overcome to horrid disease.. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to every person that raised their hands to God and prayed for my recovery.. Ya rabi ya kareem tshafy o t3afy kil ensan da3aly o twafga o tastira dinya w akhra inshallah..

Alf il7amdillah alf il7amdillah alf alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al :D

MeBrain

2010-11-24T02:56:00.002Z

Yup that's exactly how my brain feels!! My brain is on vacation in my head. Wait did that make sense? No! Nonetheless me brain is chillaxing in me head, when me brain is done me shall start posting, tweeting, and being a nuisance..

الحمدلله

2010-11-20T07:16:00.000Z

اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا
اللهم لك الحمد حمدا كثيرا

*And I'm born AGAIN :D

Allllffffff e9alaaaaaat w salaaaaaaam 3alaaik ya 7abeeeeb AlllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH w mo7amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaD Gololooo0o0o0o0oo0oo0o00oo0oo0o0o0o0o0ooooooooooooo0o0o00oo0ooo0oo0o0o0olllllooooooooooooooooshhhhh hehhehee yes yanait ela shway :p la laa I take that back yanait rasmiii :D Far7ty b3omry akthar mn ay fr7a fra7t'ha mn gabil aw bfra7ha :)))) YA RABI YA KAREEM TAMIM 3ALAY HAL FAR7A :*

*I am 1 day old!! Forever now my birthday will be known as 19/11/2010.

*Alf il7amdillah :)

*I still cannot believe it ! Hehehee I'm still in shocking shock :p I don't even know what to write! Well let's start with this...

I FourMe with God's will I beat Cancer :D
I beat Stage 4 Cancer :D
I beat Hodgkin's Lymphoma :D
I beat 2 tumours :D
I beat 12 PAINFUL Chemotherapy sessions :D
I beat hair loss, weight gain, breathlessness, high blood pressure, high heart rate. PAIN. Like no other paaaain.
(1tumour is still there and some stuff around heart and other on spine and all that but NO active Cancer for now, I will be scanned every 3 months)

I BEAT CANCER BEFORE 30 :D
I AM A SURVIVOR :D

And for now:

I AM IN REMISSION :D

Bfathil rabi elkareeem o do3akom tshafait.. ALF IL7AMDILLAH ALF IL7AMDILLAH ALF IL7AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLAAAAAH :**

ربي اسألك رضاك عني و توفيقك بالدنيا و الآخره و أن لا تجعل بقلبي غيرك و أن تعينني على ذكرك و حسن عبادتك

‏‏‏يارب انت الشافي والكافي والمعافي فاشفي مرضى المسلمين من كل داء وعافهم وأتم شفاءهم يا أرحم الراحمين
Ya rabi ya 7abeebi ya kareem tshafi mrtha el3alam kilhom Alahoma AMEEEEEN.

لا اله الا الله لا اله الا الله لا اله الا الله

I'm Pending

2010-11-17T22:52:00.001Z

Let's make this short..
12 Chemotherapy sessions done..
1000 pills a day done..
Scans, bloods, and more scans done..

Results? No clue yet :'(

I've had enough of sickness and don't think i will be able to take more..

Allah kareem.. What's done is done..

And what's meant to happen will happen..

Can't escape my destiny..

il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

TimeOut

2010-11-09T22:52:00.000Z

This is truly what I needed.. A break from the horrid treatment and all the sickness, needle poking, tension, sadness, depression, and endless cancer related crap.. 3asa Alah la y3oda..

The girls have truly truly made this trip worth it! I don't have time to a7ik my gar3a mn kethir eloya, if it's not the girls, it's the other girls, if it's not close family, it's family friends, if it's family friends, it's distant relatives. 6ab3an ely yz3al mn 9ob wily ytsharah mn 9ob etc.. Ely ygol ana yaya agtheha zwarat! I need FUN not formalities!! Almost every day I'm out breakfast, lunch, and dinner.. Funny thing is trying to make time for people by making plans and cancelling plans, I'm over booking and double booking people :p

Got my scans soon, honestly I'm not so optimistic about them, had several nose bleeds since I got back, did some blood tests, and so far I gotta wait it out. Dunno just fed up of all the sickness crap, I don't wanna go through more treatments :( Wayd ta3abt wnhad 7aily.. Ppl get the flu and complain and I had to endure 12th long and painful sessions :(

Plz plzzzzzz God let me be cured plz I beg of you let it all disappear and never come back.. I wanna move on with my life.. I wana live what comes in good health and joy, yakfeny sadness and ta3ab.. Ppl preach about my illness and wish they're in my place just for the ajir.. Ya talk is cheap, lo y7oshkom flu t't3boon let alone what I have and how destructive it is..

Ely eyee mn Alah 7ayah Alah, if am cured alf il7amd and if not ham alf il7amd.. Alah 3a6a w Alah khatha.. Am doing ely 3alay w akthar..I'm in God's hands o 3alaih twkalt..

The Laugh

2010-11-06T05:26:00.001Z

This whole ordeal has taught me many things and changed me in many ways. It taught me how to appreciate having a sip of water and not feeling nauseas, waking up in the morning and being able to eat, being able to walk without the aid of anyone. Those little things people take for granted but for someone like me I become extremely happy when I can do and enjoy such.

Most importantly it taught me happiness, contentment, and joy. Before I was diagnosed and got this sick I used to laugh at something funny, conversation, or what have you. I laughed yet I NEVER felt truly happy, I'd laugh on the outside yet on the inside I was sad (because of many reasons). My happiness was never complete because I was unhappy.

Fast forward to pain, cancer, chemotherapy, and physical/mental pain like you can't ever imagine, and I'm happy. When I laugh nowadays I feel the joy in my heart, I feel my insides giggle with joy, for once I truly feel the happiness and joy of laughter! When I laugh I truly laugh, even my laugh sounds different! Alf il7amdillah that through this misery I was blessed to see and experience the simplest joys of life that I took for granted when I was "Normal".

I wish you all joyous laughter that makes you understand what happiness is..

To laughing my dears..
Cheers..

Day 171/700th Post

2010-11-01T05:57:00.000Z

It's quite odd not having to worry about chemo tuesday! Tomorrow will be the first time I won't have to wake up and get ready for Chemo Tuesday since 15th of May!! Since then my life was planned out for me, Tuesday chemo, in pain and depression till Sunday, nausea and fatigue hit till friday, Saturday till Monday I feel kinda "normal" and Tuesday back to chemo and so on.. For the past 5 months this was my life..

Now I dunno what to do! I don't have needles poking, veins to worry about, or just cancer related crap!

On a different note, my hair looks spasticated :/ From the back it's growing. And from the top it's falling!! Ysta3bi6 9a7!!

Dunoo what else.. I'm kinda lost.. I miss the old me.. But I like the sick me, she's proven against all odds that she's a tough cookie mashallah 3alay..

You know what I find silly; people are fretting about the most trivial things, can't find the right bag, so and so said so and so, lame ass girly things etc. And here I am fighting for my right to live while others cry over spilt milk! Not belittling anyone's problems but honest to God some ma3indhom salfa! But maybe that's how it is, if God blessed u with a good health u have nothing to worry about apart from crying about not finding the right lip gloss!

I like November.. Inshallah I'll hear good news in it and inshallah 2010 fucks off, Alah la y3odha. Shino sena ta3eesa :/

Well I'm running low on motivation and kinda convinced I'm not cured and will need more treatment.. INSHALLAH I won't need it bs the thought is there :/

p.s. This is my 700th post ! Damn I talk too much!!

In Limbo!

2010-10-29T04:30:00.000+01:00

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

~Mahatma Ghandi

- It has been 10 days since my last chemo yet I'm still very tired.. Was the toughest by far. And I still haven't fully recovered, usually by friday I'm fine but seems this one still got couple more days of exhaustion in it..

- I feel exactly like the picture above! I have s0 much love for the world, so much I want to achieve, and s000 much LIFE to LIVE yet I can't do any.. I feel bolted in my place literally waiting for ra7mat Rabi tanzil 3alay and cures me.. I can't move nor do a thing.. I'm held captive against my wishes.. I don't like this feeling..

- Between you and I, I'm terrified of the results because I feel I'm not cured yet and probably will need more treatment Alah la ygool :/ Inshallah bthin Rabi akon tshafait..

- I HATE the waiting process :( I just wanna know and get it over with.. Can't wait till bloody end of Nov!

- Momkin 6alab? If any of you or m3arfkom ray7en el7aj please ma3alaikom amor tgolonlhom yd3oly hal marath yroo7 miny o 3omra mayridly.. I can't go through it again ta3abt :(

- Ya Rabi ya kareem alf il7amd lik 3ala kil 7al alf il7amd lik 3ala n3mtik. Alf il7amd 3ala elta3ab o hal marath. Alf il7amd alf il7amd :)

Chemo-12! THE FINALE!!

2010-10-19T08:05:00.000+01:00

- 12 CHEMO'S DOWN.. ZERO TO GO!! ALF IL7AMDILLAAAAAAAAAAH :))))))
- I DID IT !! WE DID IT!!
- You know the drill, I'll surface back up again in couple of days..
- Tried to sum it up in short.. It all started here:

"Happy birthday to me. I turned 29.
And I just found out I have cancer." Kicked off back in May when I was told I have Stage 4 Cancer.. And that's when the journey started, 5 months of utter hell, pain, and struggle..

I FourMe withstood Stage 4 Cancer, 2 tumours, affected lymph nodes, liver, spine, abdomen, part of bones lower back. Muscle aspiration (biopsy, while awake). Operation for 3 biopsies. And the MOST PAINFUL experience on the planet Bone Marrow Biopsy :'(

Withstood a YEAR long of PAIN along with being unable to diagnose. 12 Chemotherapy sessions! 2 suffocations. Lung failure scares. Hundreds of blood tests. Blacking out. Humiliation. Breathlessness. Hair loss. Change in figure. Endless X-Rays, MRI's, CT-Scans, and PET scan. Possibility of never having children. Shoulder scare. Pains and aches. Depression. Tiredness. Lethargy. Exhaustion. Heart scare. CONTINUOUS NAUSEA for 6 months! Medication from 7 to 21 pills a day!! PEG injection (most painful injection on planet).

Had 10 and 20 year long friends stop asking about me because I'm sick! My supposed love of my life and soulmate ex, heard I have cancer and did NOT even send me a text msg saying salmat (probably he forgot the time I held his hands while he was scared to have blood tests done)!! Some other so called friends backed off gradually.

Withstood seeing the pain I'm causing my mother and her desperation of seeing her only daughters' life threatened with Cancer. Pain caused aunts and loved ones.

Withstood signing papers consenting to chemotherapy and acknowledging the damage it could cause me, terminal damage and fatality.. And took OFF my bra in Marks & Spencer's food hall !

What have you been up to in the last 5 months? I tell you one thing I went to hell and I came back.. I was tortured in every way possible, physically, mentally, and emotionally.. I've learned more in 5 months than I have learned in 29 years..

I learned that I am beyond strong esmillah 3alay, I learned I can go through anything and come out standing. I learned that when God loves you he tests you.

Dear God, my only wish and hope is I won't need more than 12 sessions and I will be cured with your will. If this is not what you want I fully accept it and willing to go through what you have destined for me. I feel young I want to do so much yet if you have other plans for me then so be it. Thank you God for my family, friends, and wonderful strangers who were there for me during this extremely rough time. Thank you for my cancer, thank you for my pain that taught me to be happy, thank you for letting me go through so much chemo and still come out of it alive and kicking. Alf ALF ALF il7amdillah 3ala n3mtik. Alf il7amd lik ya rabi alf il7amd :)

My results should come out end of November.. Till then I FourMe am eternally grateful to each person that left me a comment, email, tweet, or prayed for me in silence.. Thank you, you made a sick girl very happy during the roughest time in her life, much appreciated and God will reward you one way or the other for your generosity :*

I am 29 years old and I WILL beat Cancer with God's will before I'm 30 INSHALLAH!!

Alf ALF il7amdillah..

FourMe Over and OUT :)

the 1 about hair

2010-10-17T16:14:00.000+01:00

I was and still one who is content with what I have. Yes I always wanted to gain weight and had a love/hate relationship with my knees, but over all I love me just the way I am, grey hair and all..

Cutting my hair and preparing for the bald patches was probably 1 of the toughest things I had to deal with within Cancer. I always did the impossible to have healthy hair and loved its soft texture and length.. I simply love/ loved my hair.

Waking up in the morning looking in the mirror seeing my scalp peaking at me through the scattered hairs across my skull is like a stab to the heart every morning..

Now let's talk about the things that shouldn't be said. I don't envy people, il7amdillah I don't have that in me because am content with what I have, the good and bad. But these days when I go out and see girls with beautiful hair I look away. Akhaf I look at them anthilhom aw nafsy t9eer eb sh3arhom la sh3oreyan. Every time I see such I say mashallah alah ya7fthich, even if she's English and look away.

Other day mother saw a girl with phenomenal hair mashallah and told me look at her. I looked at the floor and told her mama I can't look akhaf 3ala elbnaya, waited till she passed then looked up. Mabi kha6ry y9eer eb hal shay bs I can't walk around all the time looking at the floor :/

Hosha

2010-10-15T14:24:00.001+01:00

Had a fight with Cancer on twitter and thought should repost here for those who missed it :p

Dear Cancer,
You have 1 chemo session to get cured and fuck off! If not I will shove my hand in and yank my tumours OUT myself. Fuck u Cancer. Fuck u Stage 4. Fuck u 2 tumours. And last but not least FUCK U Chemotherapy! Motherfucking asswipe bitching whores! I'm tired of this bullshit and I WON'T allow u to take host in my body! Your time is up bitch.. Fuck yourself into extinction like N0W. Now u son of a whore, I will get my hair back, I will get my health back INTACT, I will get my kickass figure back. And I will destroy YOU. Really Cancer did ya think u can destroy me?! You're messing with the wrong bitch! Wonder woman has nothing on me!! I will ruin u, u bastard. Really did u think I will hide under my bed n give into u?!!! Oh how u are mistaken! I SHALL kill u, destroy your fucked cells and masses! Bitch plz ur nothing but deformed cells! I AM ME. I am a Person whom will squash u. You really picked the wrong person to fuck with! I'll make u sorry, I'll teach u a lesson so u never return. YOU took over me thinking u will ruin me but guess what?? I'm stronger than ever and happier than ever! Bring it ON bitch let's see what u got?! 2 tumours?! That's all!! Really did u think that would destroy me?? Huh! Loser. U know what u motherfucker ur time is UP! Time for u to fuck off back into non-existence. Piece of bird poo that's what u r! Ana FourMe wil agra 3ala Alah! Grown men fear me u piece of deformed cells! U dumb ass bitch! Did u not know that I'll fuck u sideways! U moron u picked the wrong person u cunt! Cancer the whore that is YOU!!

Regards,
Your KILLER!

p.s. Loving those tags! If anyone comes across them plz tell me where I can get them..
p.p.s. Yes I have a foul mouth and NO that's not why I got cancer!
p.p.p.s. Stop reading my blog! You're NOT welcomed here!

Support System

2010-10-14T12:46:00.000+01:00

Before all this begun I used to hear about how important support is to help you through tough times.. Me being the person who detests sharing her feelings with others thought this was bull crap!!

Little did I know that support was beyond crucial during such times! I'm blessed truly blessed mashallah to be surrounded with people that love me this much and willing to support me.. Now family support that's given.. My aunts keep going back and forth to be around me.. Friends well i dont want to call them friends because there are 2 whom i will consider sisters till the last day of my life o madri shlon a6la3 mn yzahom.. My Turkish friend and my other girlfriend whom did the impossible and came to London, those 2 ladies are beyond amazing!

My support system doesn't end there it's just the beginning.. Anony, Zawi, and Soulo the crazy chick.. Those 3 are irreplaceable, they are my 3 precious gifts from God that I will cherish for eveeeeer... Wait doesn't end there! Here comes in my dearest Danderma and Palomino whom I absolutely adore :*

Hold on I'm not done :p Now not only I am loved and supported by all the fabulous people I have mentioned above but God has blessed me, truly blessed me il7amdillah by letting strangers, bloggers and readers whom I have never met to support me blindly and support me every inch of the way! Sometimes I wonder what have I done in my life to deserve s0 much love from people I know and don't know! I even asked mother the same question, her response was "you're a good person that never hurt anyone".. Of course no one is perfect and I have my bad moments but yes I do consider myself a good person and as a reward God has blessed me with the love of hundreds of people from family, friends, bloggers, and strangers.. Now do you see why I say il7amdillah?

All of you who have "figuratively speaking" held my hands through this tough time, by reading, praying, or simply asking about me are my support system, which is priceless.. Any person going through a life changing phase needs support and especially if it's cancer, they need all the help they can get.. So yes my darlings you all are my rock.. You all are the thing that keeps me on my feet and pushes me forward to beat this bastard.. To you a comment is bunch of words.. To me its much more.. It's strength, it is a force, it is an unseen helping hand that pats me on the back and tells me 'we are here for you'.. I swear to you, you will never know how your support has gotten me through some really tough times. Around May when it was truly bad, I can't remember who left a comment.. I would be on the floor passed out from morphine or fuck knows what drug they had me on and have no energy to move, I remember that comment and force myself to focus even though I was dizzy and as good as dead, I'd pick myself up and try to cope with it.. It got me through rough times.. And it was simply a comment.. I think it was by Cateyes but i don't remember now.. There are comments that bring me to tears.. Tears of joy that I have such love and support from the unknowns :)

I wish I can do something in return, but I can't instead in my prayers I pray to God to bless and protect every person that has raised their hands to God and prayed for me.. Rabi ywafgkom dinya w akhra :*

Alf il7amdillah 3ala hal ni3ma ely matqdar ebthman..

Much Appreciated my darlings :*

Love FourMe..

Follow Me?!

2010-10-11T18:19:00.002+01:00

Seeing I don't have the energy to post very often I tend to ramble on twitter more.. I tend to tweet about anything and everything, yell, scream, shout, useless info, and bitch about pain and chemo.. The odd thing is more and more people tend to follow me on daily basis! Now I'm quite intrigued as to why I'm followed?! Who wants to hear bad news? Who wants to be reminded of their loved ones that went through the same path I'm going through? Who wants to hear a girl bitch about pains and aches?!

As i tweeted this afternoon about the crappy news that something is wrong with both my shoulders and possibly either cancer reached or some other fucked up thing happened, I noticed how many people felt bad, yes it might be just a tweet or what have you, but I believe some might actually got bothered with the news.. Apologies for fucking up part of your day.. Yet this is not it, its what a fellow tweeter said @fms3: bas 5ala9 354 followers mala da3ee et.thaygeen 5ilgna kilna, cheer up 3ashan il 354 followers will cheer up too :D

This made me wonder Why would you want to follow such a miserable tweeter like me? Ely ma3indaha salfa ghair elcancer :/

Day 148!

2010-10-09T01:40:00.004+01:00

- Annnnnnnnndd I'm FREE :D Free from what you might be asking? Free from the hellish days of chemo, or more commonly known as the "bad days".. I kid you not when I say it is that of jail.. From the second they disconnect the chemo machine I enter a trance.. A trance where I'm awake yet not awake, aware yet not aware, all I hear is a gushing sound in my ears.. I cannot concentrate on anything even if my life dependant on it, I tend to ramble and unable to complete sentences.. I cannot walk a straight line :/ I feel like I'm locked in a glass container or in a bubble secluded from everyone yet I am around them. By the 2nd day depression hits, I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, it is indescribable, it is one of the most horrible feelings ever.. I don't even want to go into detail and explain how it feels because it is truly suffocating.. Nonetheless its Sat morning and there you go I've broken free from my captive.. The horrid chemo! Mind you I'm still not fully recovered, as fatigue, and loss of taste, and exhaustion, but I am OUT of that well! Thank God for that.. Alf ALLLLFFFF il7amdillah :)

- Ok so am near the end inshallah.. Yet I am worried as hell I would need more treatment.. Inshallah khair and inshallah I won't need more..

- I got one comment from DuchessX asking "oh and any inspiring moments that kept u going!" Well my dear, life kept me going. Life itself in its beauty and ugliness in its pain and happiness.. I have so much I want to achieve that I am no where near hiding under my bed and not taking every goddamn treatment there is to rid me of this monster.. Inshallah no one goes through it but the second you hear on the phone you have cancer, your world Halts! Complete and utter stop, choice is you die, or live? Its either or.. I chose to live and pay the highest of high prices of pain and torture.. i wouldn't wish Chemotherapy on Hitler from how painful it is.. Yet if this is what it takes to keep me alive and kicking then trust me i will take it and take it while standing.. yes it has brought me to my knees and shattered me, ruined me, and destroyed parts of me, yet I tell you its damn worth it.. Worth waking up one day knowing you don't have a deadline on your life.. Yes we could all drop dead any second but it ain't the same when you've got this horrid illness.. I hope i answered your question and made sense, in my head it does but don't forget am still dazed from chemo :/

- Oh and you see that picture above? Yes that is exactly how I feel after the hellish days pass.. I feel freedom.. I feel alive again like I have just been pulled out of the land of the dead.. Dear God how horrible it is on that end.. Yet for now, for tomorrow, for this second I am alive and kicking.. I will kick and kick and kick and kick till I kick this bastard out of me! Huh!! Cancer!? Just watch and see you damned disease.. I SHALL BEAT YOU INSHALLAH!!

Hell of ALL Hells

2010-10-07T21:37:00.000+01:00

How do I put this in words? It was indescribable, it ranks 3rd most painful experience in my life. 1. Bone marrow biopsy. 2. Peg injection to boost my immune system (like a million bees stinging u all at once). 3. 11th Chemo.

Dear lord have mercy it was painful, enshala3 galby mn mokana, t3athabt 3athab ma ba3da 3athab! Lo thab7a alf wa7id atwqa3 Alah ghafarly on tuesday :'(

God has blessed me with an amazing 6th sense, from the moment I woke up I knew it I felt it, that it won't be a good day but I tried telling myself don't be such a pessimist! I dunno when I'll start listening to my gut! I'll spare you the entire day action cuz I'm too tired to write. It started with the first cannula, nurse puts it in and it aches, but I thought FourMe stop being a kid shut it and tolerate a bit of pain, seeing you don't have any veins left. Well I wasn't being a kid and the pain escalated and had to have it taken out. And have a second one put in. Some more dunking arm in boiling water and we barely find a vein.. I take 3 chemo's and now time for the final 4th one which by itself takes an hour. Nurse hooks it up and I scream like I never screamed before! Slowed it down from an hour to 1.5 hours PAIN, over 2 hours more screams and pain, 2.5 hours still indescribable pain so had to be removed.

That was one scream and cry from 5:30 till 8pm. I cried for my life. I cried for 5 months of chemotherapy torture. I cried for 5 months of nausea. I cried for 2 tumours worth. I cried for my youth. I cried for my life that hasn't begun and seeing literally get shattered in front of my eyes. I cried for having cancer at 29. I cried for every pain and ache I experienced this year. I cried for 3 hours non-stop..

In between all the crying they had to cannulate me for the 3rd time. I don't have any veins left on right arm, and left arm I didn't let them take blood from my hand and took from upper arm. Meaning if they use the wrong vein the chemo will literally squirt out of my arm! Rabi r7amny and they found a vein and finished rest of chemo. In between that a doctor had to come and prescribe morphine for the pain. 3 nurses were working on me. A lady infornt of me taking chemo started crying everytime they cannulate me, I'd look at her and she would cross her fingers in hope they'd find a vein.

One of nurses came over and told me what have you done to your nurse?! Apparently the woman was having a nervous breakdown from how much I broke her heart! My friend was trying to make me comfortable while I see her tears drop on my chair. I kept crying and laughing in the same time. I laughed at how hopeless I was and cried at how helpless I was. I cried cuz I was battling friggin chemo to the last drop!

Since tuesday I've been in a daze and still am. I need more time to recover. I have nothing more to say apart from wait for God's mercy..

Chemo- 11 (HELL)

2010-10-06T00:05:00.001+01:00

- 11 Chemo's down.. ONE TO GO!

- I was tortured today, 3 times change of veins almost resulted in taking chemo in leg.

- I cried from 5 till 8:30, till last drop of chemo..

- Will tell you what happened soon.. Pray, or do whatever you like I don't care anymore and I don't think I will be cured with 12 sessions, doctors don't seem optimistic, so ya whatever.. il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

BraLessMe

2010-10-03T08:56:00.001+01:00

I have lost it.. I FourMe have lost ALL 7aya w mosta7a (ok ma3thoora bs still) :/ and I thought I've been through it all with cancer haha apparently not!

Yesterday was feeling a bit blue so mother Rabi ykhaleha o y6awil eb 3omrha took me out all day long even though she is in unbearable pain from her back problem :/ ilmohim esalfa tyeekom ena I was exhausted and nearly fainted twice. So at one point after walking around Westfield we ended up in Marks & Spencer's food hall. All of the sudden I felt like dropping to the floor so I sat on some stool, put my head down, had some water, closed my eyes, dammit nothing was working!! I felt like I was being suffocated, I took off my bag, jacket, necklace, and bracelet.

Nope not helping! So at this moment where seated in full view of food shoppers I reach my back undo my bra, pull it out of my sleeves and throw it at my mother! Yes I took off my bra jdam Alah w khalga! 3afya 3alay :p Now funny part, mother was kinda in shock of what I just have done so she holds bra and looks at it like its about to speak any minute! Enzain ana mkhtanga o mast7y entay shmala maska elbra kho khsheha o stray 3alaina! No she's still holding it not knowing what to do with it! She stuffs it in her bag, then takes it out and stuffs it food shopping bag with my food! Why?! I'll never know..

Moral of story, if you're out and about and see a chick take off her bra and smacks ya with it, that'll be me :D Don't ya just LOVE cancer and what it makes ya do!

LittleMe

2010-10-02T11:58:00.003+01:00

Sometimes you can't help but break down and drown yourself in your tears..

Helplessness.. Exhaustion.. Lethargy.. And simply physical and mental weakness..

But you either give in or dust yourself off and get up and resume the battle..

Cancer is a battle.. You either come out of it a living hero or a dead hero..

I'm going for a Living Hero..

Excuse me whilst I pick myself off the floor.. Wipe my tears.. And beat this bastard..

Chemo Party

2010-10-01T08:30:00.000+01:00

You know sometimes I surprise myself at how accepting I am of my destiny and how I choose to live with it. I think that's what makes me so tolerant of taking chemo. Even my nurses say 12 chemos every 2 weeks is quite TOO much and more than what the average cancer patients gets (4 or 5 chemos, once a month).

Anyhow silly enough I look forward to chemo! Maybe it's because I wanna finish quickly or simply I know its a necessity that cannot be avoided. On chemo's tuesday I told you I make an effort to dress up, from new clothing, to make up, to new scarf for the head, to accessories. I wake in the hospital with a smile on my face and greetings to my nurses. But damn it once I sit down and look around the faces bloody hell do I get depressed!! There is not 1 single smile in the house!! You'd think they were at a funeral. Okay so maybe they're not far from it but we're here, most had multiple sessions and know the drill, nothing new nothing shocking. So why the gloom!? I look around the faces and smile and try to make conversation to break the tension of the room. I kid you not when I say I light up the room when I'm in it. Minutes later you see a ripple of laughter and convo's breaking out everywhere..

I made friends there mind you I'm 1 of the youngest that attend on tuesdays. My friends are 2 ladies in their 40s. 1 of them on first conversation where we were discussing my cancer she hugged me! Literally 5 minutes after meeting her! If this was another situation I would have probably smacked her as I don't like to be touched! But odd enough I hugged her back and put my head on her shoulder. She understood what I was going through, and probably because I look much younger than my age they tend to feel sorry for me.

There are 3 chemo rooms, main hall seats about 25 ppl, and 2 smaller rooms seat 4 patients each. I always choose to have my chemo in the smaller room, the hall is too depressing and sounds of machines indicating chemos finish going off every 2 seconds, annoys the hell out of me. So last chemo I open one of small rooms and tell nurses am having my chemo here, even though they didn't want to, but hell I bake them cakes they can't say no to me :p

After settling in I told my 2 friends to come and have chemo in my room, its quite a small room so imagine it was me, my turkish friend, both ladies with their husbands, 2 nurses, and later my cousin passed by. You literally had to jump on chairs to be able to walk. So what do I do? Start talking and joking with them to an extant we were causing too much noise that nurses kept coming in asking what's going on here!! Not only that but I open chemo bag and distribute chocolates, crisps, fruits, and cokes hehe yaa FourMe on a picnic :p I tell you it was nothing short of a party! Imagine 3 of us ladies hooked up to chemo machines joking, laughing, and eating! Why play dead when getting poisoned!! We all know we got 1 hell on painful week ahead of us to recover so I try to make the most of it :) One of their husbands told me you got a good mind on you, you're trying to make the most of it.

Well why not?! I try to make chemo day fun because the second I finish my last drop of chemo I will endure 10 days of absolute HELL that no one can imagine. It is beyond painful and soul torturing.. Yala alf il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al, 3athab ednya wla 3athab elakhra. Only thing is I really wish I won't need more than 12 sessions of chemo.. Alah ysahil inshallah, Alah sob7ana w ta3ala ma yensa a7ad o ra7mta was3a am sure ma ra7 yensany o ra7 yr7amny eb ra7mita inshallah :)

Me & Me

2010-09-30T01:24:00.002+01:00

Today i took myself out on a date.. It was me and me, we had a blast.. Usually mother doesn't let me go out alone just incase i get dizzy, tired, blah blah, etc.. Okay she is right i do get very tired when i go out and have to rest every so often and keep on drinking water.. Couple months back i went out by myself and almost fainted in the street :/

Aint it funny!! I lived more than 5 years alone and now i can't even go out by myself.. Ahh sweet independence where art thou.. ilmohim told mother i'm going out by myself i need some me time.. I need to feel that i can take care of myself and dont need her or my cousins or friends to keep an eye on me while out and about..

So here is what happened, got dressed, coloured my face with makeup (doing the eyebrows was difficult as there is only half of them left ) covered my semi-gar3a with a colourful scarf and headed out.. I took myself shopping and had lunch all alone and then some more shopping.. I spent about 4 hours out.. Yes i got very tired, it was pissing rain, and felt weak BUT i was alone.. I was taking care of myself without the help of anyone.. I was walking around the masses without being the cancer patient with 2 tumours.. I was just a woman defined by what she's wearing not what her illness is..

To you, you might think so what 4 hours alone!? To a person whos life has changed and must follow strict rules 24/7 it means the world.. It means i can do what i want as i want when i please and my illness cant say fuck all about it..

Anywhos i try every 2 weeks to go shopping and buy a new thing to wear for Chemo Tuesday :/ adri kilish mala da3y bs it became kinda a ritual kinda thingy.. And if a7is eny ta3bana i buy a couple for the next sessions.. Its quiet sad in a way, its like my own 3eed that i dress up for with new clothing :/ im going to go and get poisned and i turn it into a fashionable thing.. Well who said you cant be chemo'd in style :p

Possibly ra7 a7rig everything i wore to chemo when cured inshallah :/

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On a different note, you people keep on saying i should write a book about what am going through.. Honestly i find it funny as who wants to read such a depressing book! Mind you its a dream of mine to publish a book one day.. But the plan was get PhD then write a book about politics.. Well that dream is fucked for now.. So okay why not?! A book about cancer you say?? Fine throw some ideas at me and let me see if i can do it.. So are we talking like a diary kinda book?or how to beat cancer kinda book? Or what exactly??

You know ive got just a month left of treatment and i tell you its becoming more difficult with each passing day, o inshallah its just a month o i get cured and won't need more.. I really do need something to take my mind off freaking out and this might just be it! Yala do your part and tell me what should i include in this "book".. Eee mo bs et7al6mon do this and do that yala let the ideas start rolling in..

As for now i shall hit the sack cuz bthab6 ana tfachacht mn et3ab and possibly gona crawl to the room mo amshy :p 3afya la7ad yabchy am kidding i can still stand tall but with no heels hehe.. Good night my darlings.. And Good Fabulous Morning to you all.. And remember if i can still smile.. YOU can all SMILE :)

p.s. you are not welcomed in this blog.. Kindly leave and don't return here.. Exit at the top of the screen..

Day 138!

2010-09-29T02:55:00.000+01:00

- Day 1?? fuck knows.. Today was a super bad day.. My bestfriends mother was diagnosed with this fucking illness.. My heart broke to pieces, not only for her mother but for her :( I wish I can be there for her and support her through it but as u can see I'm still not done with my battle.. Ya rabi Alah yshafeha o y3afeha o y9abirha o y9abir 3yalha w ahalha..

- Sometimes for a split second I think why me?!! Why I go through this one hell of torture and experience while others my age are living their life to the fullest! Then I remember Alah 3a6a w Alah khatha.. God gave me this life and he has the right to take it back or do whatever he pleases with it.. Alf il7amdillah 3ala n3mta..

- Aham shay elnafseya ya FourMe. Nafsytich la tet3ab FourMe.. FourMe be optimistic! No9 el3laj elnafseya.. Tara shagaitony o shagaitaw nafseyty! There are times when ana fog enakhal o nafseyty is super good and I believe i can beat this crap.. But there are times where yes it hits me I've got bitching cancer and no its not easy, its tough and I have bad days.. Days where I wake up and find half my eye brows fell during sleep, my hair falling so much I find it in my water and food, my figure changed, I changed, I feel like crap! Yes temporary shit o kil shay byrid but for now its gone..

- I'm ranting and bitching madri 3ala shino.. Guess am cranky.. Couple days ago I referred to myself as "damaged goods". Inshallah if I'm cured I still feel that I'm good for nothing.. I will always be labelled as the girl with cancer..

- I'm very so tired.. Honestly nothing makes my day better than the multiple emails I get, tweets, and comments here.. First forgive me for not replying to the latter bs wala mafeny shada :/ Second الزينleft a comment on previous post, let me tell you dear u made me cry.. I don't know why but u did, just the thought of me being in some strangers prayers is unbelievably a beautiful blessing that I'm eternally grateful for, thank u dear.. And thank u all for ur continuous support, you have no idea how much you're helping :*

Sign Here

2010-09-26T11:40:00.003+01:00

When younger all you want is to grow and and make grown up decisions. Looking forward to drivers license, first bank account, visa card, signing up to uni, signing your first job con contract.. But damn life can take a turn and you can dread signing on the dotted line..

Grown up yes. Do i want to sign on the dotted line? No. Nothing slaps you harder than having to sign on the dotted line accepting full responsibility of chemotherapy and accepting all its side effects including fatality! Nothing prepares you for signing on the dotted line saying you refused to harvest and freeze your eggs and there is a chance you will never have children.. You sign and sign and sign and only wish that your parent could sign for you like they used to sign your report cards.. Or have them make decisions for you.. Or have them break bad news to you..

I wanted my mother to make my decisions for me for the first time in my life! I wished she had said i want to freeze your eggs or not, i wanted it to be her fault in the future if i cannot have children. I wanted her to sign on the papers saying i will subject myself to 12 torturous sessions of chemotherapy, so when im in pain i could blame her..

I wanted her to tell me "baby you have cancer" not "Mama they said i have stage 4 cancer. Mama i have the worst disease that scars mankind". I wanted her to tell me its ok not me tell her while breaking down its ok mama goolay il7amdillah, at least now they know whats wrong with me..

How i wish i was a child and dont have to sign on anymore dotted lines accepting full responsbility for my decisions. Not accepting this could cause lung damage, that could kill me, that could blind me and so on..

How i wish i was still a child.. A little girl with no such responsibilites.. Responsible for my LIFE and how it plays out..

Movie Night

2010-09-25T13:27:00.003+01:00

Ladies and gents i went wild! Yes indeed i did!! This chemo has been and is very very difficult because all chemo's are back on full dose.. I felt and still feeling shitty crappy shit.. So yesterday i mustered up what i have of little energy and went to the movies to see Eat Pray Love. It was an amazing movie! Absolutely loved it.. Oh and i had nachos, popcorn, and microwaved dinner when i got home :D basically i did everything the doctors told me not to do.. I just had to live normally even if it was for couple of hours.. And it felt damn good! I sO wanna move to Italy after watching that movie! Move over London.. Rome here I come..

Complications

2010-09-23T08:35:00.000+01:00

Why is it when you're closer to the finish line, the more things go wrong :/ Well I guess in my case its too much chemo for my body! And here I thought my body got used to it :(

Here's what happened, they put in the cannuala after boiling my arm, pushed the 2 injections of pre-meds (steroids/anti-nausea) and all of the sudden my vein aches like helllllllll, arm goes red, and the vein turns blue and you can see it from under the skin :/ ya not fun! They call the doctor she says the vein is no good, won't handle the chemo so gotta find another one, SUPER FUN! They find new vein, and give me chemo.. There on the right on twitter you can see pics of holes in my arm :(

Wait wait I'm not done! Exactly 8 minutes before my last chemo finishes my nose blocks up and my breathing goes to hell! Nurse runs and get other nurse, oxygen, and calls the on-call doctor (its 7pm). Apparently I had an allergic reaction so the pretty doctor (12 years old maybe) gives 2 anti-hestmin (or however spelt) injections :D just because all I needed was more meds!! Needless to say finished chemo like I was in a battlefield and barely got out of hospital standing..

Ya Rabi ra7mtik I just need to finish 2 more sessions for now.. Alah y3lam if I'll need more later but for now please see me through to the finish line of 12 chemos :( I'll go back to my hellish days, just thought I'd share this info with you so if there are any who's complaining about work, breaking a nail, or life. Should really put a sock in it and say il7amdillah!! Because after all this I'm still saying ALF ALF il7amdillah!

Chemo- 10 & More..

2010-09-21T19:00:00.003+01:00

- 10 Chemo's down. 2 to go!

- So very very tired..

- All your comments on previous posts mean the world to me.. Thank u sO much

- Keep the motivational chit chat coming in :)

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A Day in a Cancer Patients' Life

Now don't think I have the energy to write this after chemo! As if! Wrote it a day earlier.. Now let me tell you how Chemo day goes.. I wake up around 7am take meeds for an hour then can have breakfast. The day at hospital lasts between 7 to 9 hours! IT'S EXHAUSTING! After breakfast I try my best to dress up, put on make up, and look as if I'm going out with friends.. I need my mood to be cheerful to tolerate the crap am gonna go through for the rest of the day.. By that time my friend that comes from Turkey every 2 weeks for chemo has arrived. I gather my chemo bag and we leave for the hospital..

( chemo bag consists of the following: medication, 2 liter filtered Volvic water, pufaak, chocolates, banana, iPod, pashmina, sweets ) yaa just like a picnic bag :/

My appointment is usually at 10am, I arrive they take my blood pressure, heart rate, temperature, weight. I wait for about 30 minutes then they call me for blood tests.. And here the needle poking starts :( sometimes they can't find a vein so they gotta poke around till they find it.. And they MUST take blood from arm that won't be used for chemo, so chemo on left, blood tests from right arm..

After that I wait for an hour or more till results are back so I can see doctor, if all is ok and my bloods are ok and above certain level then they okay me for chemo. My file gets sent to the pharmacy where they prepare chemo according to my weight.. This process take about 2 to 3 hours.. By then we usually head to Starbux and have a light lunch. We head back and they make me take a pill that prevents nausea one hour before chemo. After the hour passes they try to put in the cannula, ohhh that's the fun part! Because of so much chemo it's hard to find veins so they stick my arm in literally boiling water so they pop out.. Cannula in, they start with pushing 2 injections, one steroid to give me energy during chemo, and another for nausea. I take a mix of 4 chemos, which last a total of 2 hours.. The first three last about an hour, and the final one last an hour by itself. As soon they start pushing the injection my friend stays quiet and I switch on 9orat Elbaqara on my BB and listen to it throughout chemo till I'm done.. It's the only thing that prevents me from breaking down and dying of tiredness and pain..

Funny thing is in morning I enter laughing and joking, and when I'm done from chemo around 7pm I have to be picked up from chair and held till I get in the car because I cannot stand on my own feet.. I reach home as good as dead.. My mother changes my clothes for me and feeds me, yea I can't even hold a spoon, it's too heavy. I feel like hell till I fall asleep.

From Tuesday till Sunday those are the real days of torture.. Pains, aches, nausea, lethargy, and unbelievable psychotic depression that causes me to cry 6 or 7 time a day.. I feel like I'm in a glass box in those days. It's hell beyond all hells that I cannot even put in words.. After Sunday I lose taste, anything I eat or drink is tasteless and is horrible. I don't regain my strength till the following sat or sun and then on Tuesday couple days later I take chemo again :)

I shall disappear for the next couple of days because as you know by now it's those hellish days.. Ham arid wagool Alf ALF il7amdillah for this cancer and not a worse one.. So please continue praying for me because this ain't over yet..

FourMe over and out..

SuPerMe

2010-09-18T13:17:00.003+01:00

Thank you all for comments on previous post.. You might think you just dropped a comment and it won't make much difference to me.. But honest to God with every comment I felt like I was getting stronger.. With each comment I felt like a hand is pulling me out of the gutter, out of hell, out of a deep deeeeeeeeep well that I was burried in.. I swear to you I feel rejuvenated and much stronger I feel I have the ability to beat this son of a bitch cancer FOREVER!!

I'm happy :)

I'm looking forward to next chemo..

I'm stronger because of ALL you people :*

Please keep the prayers and motivational comments pouring in because without you ALL I wouldn't be able to finish this and beat it!

Much love..

Much appreciation..

FourMe..

Pep.Talk

2010-09-16T02:04:00.000+01:00

I wish you could read my mind or for a split second could feel what am going through. Only then you would truly understand what I want to say instead of having me struggle for words.

I'm tired of explaining it as hell, painful, and torture.. Well its much more than that a million times.. I've hit rock bottom.. I've hit bottom of all bottoms.. I'm so near to finishing the treatment that I can't be bothered to finish it.. I'm running on empty.. I need to be motivated..

A while back I had it in me to fight this and my body was stronger in attacking it and responding to treatment.. But since I've given up and been so hopeless my body is kinda given up as well.. My immune is down, not showing responsive signs, harder to take chemo, veins impossible to find, pain escalated, and much more..

I don't have that urge to fight it.. I'm too exhausted and too tired to fight it anymore.. But I need to. I have to. I MUST fight it with every inch in me..

I don't know what I want from you people reading this.. Actually I do.. I need you to motivate me somehow to help me get that fighting urge that I lost along the way.. I need to beat it and kick its ass.. I need your support my darling strangers..

My Angels

2010-09-13T22:00:00.000+01:00

There are no words I can say that would express how I feel about these two lovely girlies.. Friends? No. Sisters? No. Angels?? YES!!

They certainly are angels.. I am eternally in-debt to them.. Their kindness, generosity, sweetness, loving nature makes them a pair of the BEST people I have come across in my life..

I wish I can say more but I am lost for words.. So I will simply wish them a HAPPY BIRTHDAY..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my darling
ANONY & ZAWI :* :*

Love u both :*

Chemo- 9

2010-09-08T03:32:00.000+01:00

- 9 Chemo's down. 3 to go.

- Took 3 chemos instead of 4 again and all at half dose because I'm too weak.

- Very tired need usual couple days to recover :(

- Scan results no change. Didn't get worse and didn't get better. Staying on same chemo. If after 12 not cured possible Radiation and MORE Chemo :((

- 3eedkom Mbarak in advance :(

p.s. Girls, Danderma, Zon, Swera, Q8othug thank u all S000 much I loved the package but too tired to say more. Thank u :**

bored

2010-09-05T00:19:00.000+01:00

-I'm sick and tired of being sick and the endless questioning about my sickness.. It's as if there is nothing more about me, now it's all about my survival..

-Through this ordeal I truly found out who are my real friends are and who aren't.. As well I learnt there are some people who are mo kafo o mafehom khair.. Shagool yahood? 3yal 7aram? Nas matqadir el3shra?! Wala no words of insults or tbhthil will be enough to explain how such people are mo kafo!! Magool ela 7asby Alah w ni3ma elwakeel..

-My mood swings are at their worst.. One second am fine and the next I can smack you and boiling with anger:/

-Mother wanted me to buy something new for Eid (as if am doing anything). I went to look for something instead I came back with garments to be worn for Chemo day.. Cheba7 chemo :(

-What are your plans for Eid?

Crunch Time!

2010-09-04T02:29:00.000+01:00

I'm exhausted.. I don't have the energy to say a thing so I'll just say that on monday I've got my 2nd CT-Scan to see if I'm responding to chemo. If yes INSHALLAH INSHALLAH will continue same chemo, if not Alah la ygool they will give harsher chemo :(

Needless to say pray that I'm responding.. Inshallah inshallah I am..

Very Bad :(

2010-08-31T17:23:00.000+01:00

I'm ill, very ill.. I can't move from the pain. Feeling sick continuously, I ate 3 times in one week, and all just tiny bites. I can't drink water either :(

This is as a result of taking me off the steroid medication. They don't wana put me back on it, but without it I won't be able to continue :( It has bad side effects but I cannot worry about the future as now I'm as good as dead.. Adry matga9roon o tad3oly bs plz plz ed3oly more hal ayam cuz jad khala9 w9al 7adi o ga3da at3ab wayed mo shway :( inshallah Rabi kareem o byhawin 3alay inshallah

This illness is truly hell on earth, it destroys everything in u from head to toe. il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al..

Chemo - 8

2010-08-25T17:36:00.002+01:00

- 8 Chemo's down 4 to go inshallah

-I usually take a mixture of 4 chemos but they only gave me 3 and dropped one because they are afraid it caused lung damage. Will see specialist next week.

- The girls sent me gerg3an it's amazing!! Ely ygargi3ly a36y 7alaw em7azir :p

P.s. M. Al-S Thank you dear s000 much for the beautiful Quran's most beautiful I have ever seen and the most precious gift! Thank u so much 7abooba :*

Home Sweet Home

2010-08-21T12:25:00.000+01:00

I walk through the doors and I feel at ease.. Something inside me yells I'm Home.. I feel a wave of calmness washes over me, a sense of safety, like nothing can go wrong, and if it did I would be in the right hands.. I hate hospitals and still do but not this hospital, this hospital is my safe haven. I feel safer here than at home. Weird but I feel a sense of belonging. I'm with my own kind, people who are going through hell, people that understand when I say my body is aching, they understand the pain and its intensity not like others. This hospital is my world now..

For now this cancer hospital is my Home Sweet Home..

Day 90+2!!

2010-08-14T08:29:00.000+01:00

-It has been 3 months (92 Days!!) since my 1st chemo session! In those 3 months I've been to hell and back. I've been through s0 much that I just cannot believe I was and still able to endure it!! The hell of Chemo is like no other! You think when its injected into u is bad?! Oh think again! Its the days afterwards that are HELL jahanim zamhareer.. Those days make u lose everything, from hope to faith to manners to the will of living.. That's how bad the days after Chemo are :( And with each session its getting worse! I want to scream from the hell that I am living in.. But I can't its pointless, instead I've spent the past week crying 4 or 5 times a day.. What else can I do?!? How much weaker can I get !! Yaa that's for the people who think I'm strong!

-Last year exactly on the 1st day of ramadan I was woken up by the MOST excruciating pain EVER at 7am and taken to hospital. Since that day I have been living on painkillers, not a day passed by that I didn't take anything between 5 to 13 painkillers a day!! I've suffered for exact whole year with aches and pains!! And not mentioning Cancer eating my body and spreading all over.. I've been sick for a whole year and probably longer and no one could diagnose me till 3 months ago! I'm just lucky that I didn't die before they diagnosed me! Alf il7amdilallah.

-Anyone who thinks their life is tough because they can't get or do what they want should probably think again and have a look at my life and people worse than me to appreciate the blessing that you're living in! That people like me would kill for :(

-This is the first time EVER since I was 6 or 7 that I don't fast ;( bamoot mn elqahar :(( how can I not fast :( yes I have an excuse and will fast some other time inshallah but for now its killing me :((

-I'm tired and getting worse.. My body is becoming very weak and not able to cope with so much chemo. Last week had both heart and lung tested, and yesterday lungs tested again. Got stomach ulcer from swallowing all pills, and seeing orthopaedic doc next month because my bones are getting screwed..

-I hope you're all remembering me before fu6oor and tad3ooly. Listen up, I want a custom made da3wa. Yes 6arar o ytshara6 does come to mind, but hey kaifi that's what I want u people to pray for me. So here it is pray:

1. God gives me the strength to finish chemo, and cancer continues to respond.
2. I don't get physically worse and nothing else goes wrong.
3. My tumours disappear.
4. I don't go bald and keep the last little hair I have left.
5. Cancer goes away and NEVER comes back.
6. Give my mum good health and cure her from all her illnesses.
7. God cures every sick person in the world.

Yes a long list but those are alll a MUST! So please when you have a moment pray for me cuz jad ta3abt o mafeeni shada ba3ad :(

Chemo- 7

2010-08-10T21:28:00.003+01:00

- 7 Chemo's down 5 to go inshallah..

- Obviously very tired and shattered..

- Embarak 3alaikom eshahar.. And please don't forget me from your prayers during this beautiful month. Thank you :*

:/

2010-08-07T01:10:00.003+01:00

I'm fed up of everything..

Tired of being sick..

Tired of getting worse..

Exhausted of the Chemo..

Bored of home..

I don't have the energy nor the will to fight it anymore..

Il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al but lord I'm begging you for mercy..

Day 80!

2010-08-02T00:18:00.000+01:00

- Dear GOD this chemo was BAD!! From the get go it was screwed!! On tuesday they where so concerned with my breathing that they had to check my lungs before chemo because 1 of the 4 chemos that I take causes lung damage and doctors were freaking out that it did :/ So had to do X-Ray and Ct-Scan on the spot. Thankfully they were cleared. Yet was too late for chemo on tues so had to take it next day! Btw u don't want to know how my mother and aunts were freaking out while waiting for the lung results :/ (that took 7 hours)

- Chemo was meant at 9am till 11am on wed! Instead was from 9am till 3pm!!!!!!!! In total I spent 13 hours in 2 days just to take my fucking 6th session!!!! Anyways, I arrive there and apparently doctor ordered an ECG for my heart cuz was beating way too high day before, so did that had to wait till I saw him to be cleared for chemo and so I was. Finally I take chemo and wait wait for it TEN minutes later my throat starts closing up and I can't speak nor swallow!! My nurse runs out of room and comes back with 3 other nurses, an oxygen mask, and gets doc on phone. Within seconds doctor gives me 2 allergy injections cuz FUCK knows something caused my throat to close up but they don't know what! 30 mins later we resume chemo..

- Does it end there NO ofcourse NOT! Come time for the 4th type of chemo, it takes usually an hour to finish but noooooo my veins decide to act up and slow it down to an hour and half!! Causing me to become EXTRA exhausted! As if am done! When done with chemo doc gives me a new medicine through same process to strengthen my bones because cancer and steroids have fucked them. And that medicine my dears is literally screwing me to hell since wed.

- I have never experienced such horrible chemo, having it and after it. I'm still s0 s00 tired and feeling like hell like no one can imagine :(

- My tuesday chemo package is absolutely amazing and beyond amazing! Thanx to the trio, Danderma, and bunch of u lovely bloggers! They compiled a beautiful calender with inspirational notes for each day.. I'll show ya it when I got more energy to take pics..

- Oh on wed my heart rate was at 130 so docs have referred me to cardiologist to do tests cuz it aint normal! So yes every organ is being a bitch and acting up and I'm so tired and energyless and its getting much tougher with more chemo am taking :(

- I am in dire need of extra prayers and wishes that it gets easier and not harder because I really can't take much more of this :(

Chemo - 6

2010-07-29T11:58:00.001+01:00

- 6 CHEMO'S DOWN - 6 TO GO :D

- By far the worst Chemo EVER!!! So many complications that had to take on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. When I'v got more energy I'll update ya.. Later darlings..

Is it Strength?

2010-07-25T11:43:00.005+01:00

I try to forget that I am sick sometimes and just live my life as a "normal healthy" person.. Do chores around the house, go out once in a blue moon, go to the supermarket, and just pretend I'm fine.. I don't push myself because once my body is tired its TIRED! And whether or like it or not you'll see me lose energy and drop to the floor in an instance, so I run to my bed and rest it off..

Some days I feel fine so I do extra work around the house to keep me busy.. But mother objects because she doesn't want me to get tired.. She said something yesterday that just hit me to the core.. It was like a wake up call all over again.. I was washing the dishes she came in and gave me a little lecture about stop doing that blah blaaaah, and then she said "You are taking your illness lightly, did you forget what you have?" Yes I honestly forget or try to forget what it is! I have Cancer but I don't feel like its CANCER! The illness that scares people to death! Maybe when you have it God blesses you with acceptance that you don't acknowledge how scary and terrifying it is and you just feel like you've got the flu! I know its a deadly disease and trust me physically I'm in worse shape then I sound on blog or twitter.. I just don't wanna talk about how crappy the side effects are.. Its not easy, its painful, its hell, side effects are fucking my body to hell and back, etc.. But what am I to do? Hide under a rock?! Fuck NO!! I'm living with it I have no choice but to accept it and just cope.. At times I feel maybe I should be more positive so I can beat it.. But for now am doing my best in this manner..

Yesterday I was at Sainsbury's getting some stuff, it was so hot that I felt I'm about to faint and could barely walk.. I got home and straight away I head to bed and slept for 2 hours.. My body was so weak and shattered, I had a piercing migraine, and even breathing felt like too much.. That's Cancer, when it wants to attack you, it attacks every ounce of energy you've got to a point where you have to obey it like a bitch.. If I got home not went to bed and stayed up I would most probably be in hospital now.. I've learned when to listen to it and when I can be a little deviant and run around doing little chores and being normal here and there..

Is it strength? Is it my will to fight it and be normal again? Is it the fighter in me that hates giving up? Is it a blessing from God? Or is it the Steroid medication I'm on that's giving me this energy to fight Cancer? I honestly don't know.. And hope its not the Steroids because I'm coming off them this week and my state is gonna get much worse.. At the end of the day I just want to be healthy and normal again and with God's will I will do whatever it takes to beat it.. Pray that I have more strength to see this through till the end inshallah..

p.s. Thank you Glitter for the lovely email!! Truly you made my day and made me smile :*