Sometimes it takes a person that doesn't know you inside and out to point out what you really are. How you see your world. How you react. How you feel. How you analyse. How you respond. How and what makes you tick..
My anger issues are well known and documented in this little haven of mine. I've previously attended two anger management courses that helped but as always didn't make me any calmer, so I started my 3rd.
My therapist said I'm a Robot.
And after a lot of pondering I believe I am. Maybe it's the OCD or maybe it's the control freak in me. Who knows what makes me a robot but I most definitely am one.
In my head everything should work based on a sequence. 1. 2.. 3... I don't do 4. 9. 1. This will drive me mental. I need things to work the way they're meant to work, to follow a pattern, to stick to the plan and to be controlled.
Life is messy. I can't stand messy. I can't stand chaos, though it attracts me because I have the urge and need to fix it and put it back on the right track, the right course that I see in my head.
Chaos drives me crazy. I need stability. I need containment. I need.. I don't know what I need.
I need to lose it all.
I need to let it all fall.
I need for it to shatter whilst I sit on the edge looking at it without righting it.
I need to become a human who makes mistakes without chastising herself till the end of time..
I need to let the robot in me die and the chaotic insane human rise..