Freaking out. Yes I am. Even though it became a normal thing, yet still I freak out when it's nearing my quarterly checkup. I start poking and prodding my body for any abnormalities, playing a tape in my head of symptoms and what they could mean.
What makes it even more difficult that I can't talk about it. I know everyone around me is fed up of hearing it, and if I do tell anyone they give me the usual comments of " you're negative, don't freak out, it'll be fine, you're imagining it" and so on. They don't let you just freak out and throw a tantrum. I don't want to be comforted, I don't want to be told anything. I just want to freak out like I usually do. Just go crazy with worry and be my negative self.
Thing is everyone around can't get it through their heads that I'm still not "normal". They don't understand that the poison aka chemo stays in your system for 2 years or so, let alone the damage its done. They think because I appear normal, then I'm normal. Guess freaking what? I'm not. I have endless pains and aches, I'm emotionally damaged beyond repair, I'm screwed and the surroundings aren't helping. Yet they think I'm normal and just freaking fine.
I hate freaking out but I can't help it. I'm not fine. I'm pretty sure that I will see the doctors and they will order scans, I'm so not bothered. My bestie can't make it for my check and there is no pessimism to get me through it.