For the past couple of days I've been quite tired, more than the usual tiredness and pains. Extra pains and aches here and there, intense back pains, and new pains popping up.. So far I've been trying to cope with it but dear God it's getting more difficult by the day. Worse and worse as the days pass.. By now you know I don't give in easily so I've been pushing myself to be more social so I don't spend all my days in bed..
Within 3 weeks I'll have my first 3 month check since remission. Yes I wish, pray, and hope that it never returns but realistically there is a chance it will. I don't know what it is, I'm just dreading the day the results come out. Is this what my life will be? Live and enjoy till next check up? Have a mini nervous breakdown every time I remember the day I come back from chemo where I have to be carried by my friend and fed and changed by my mother.
For 2 days now just before I go to bed I remember that my scans are near and can't help but burst into tears, a thousand tears come down my face within seconds, I cover my mouth so no one hears my cries. For less then a minute then I remember that it's God's will, I have no choice nor ability to change my destiny. I hush myself till I fall asleep. Then so be it, this is my life.
I thank God for still being alive and beating so much of my cancer. I feel I'm in a constant battle within myself, constant pull and tug.. Well there isn't much I can do apart from say il7amdillah 3ala kil 7al and inshallah it never comes back..