Thursday, 22 April 2010

C'est la vie


Hope: If anyone read this blog for a while they know I'm the mother of all pessimism and have zero 'Hope'. Yet this, what am going through has taught me to hope, hope, hope, and hope that some doctor some where will be able to figure out what is going on. Hope feels odd.. It's an imaginary thought, feels like a transparent thread that am holding onto for dear life.. If I'm honest with myself.. I ........... never mind..

Dream: Even my dreams consist of doctors visits, helplessness, examinations, and hospitals.. even in my sleep I cannot escape this situation. Yet in reality I want to get over this to achieve a dream I have.. Oddly enough a newly acquired one!!

Peace: I feel at peace with myself. I'm in a situation out of my hands. Something that has shook me to the core and woken me up. I've been told things by doctors in the past couple weeks that brought me to my knees, speculations, suspicions, possibilities, just things that you would NEVER imagine be told to you.. Other day I shut the phone from the doctor and grabbed my mothers shirt and started crying like a child. I felt humiliated with all the questions that the doctors had to ask. As much as of a HELL it is as much as I feel powerless and calm that there is nothing I can do and what is meant to happen will happen. I'm not in control and that's fine..

Love: i love myself.. not in the narcissistic self-obsessed way but in the way that i really do go through alot of shit.. i love me because i'm a good person that keeps on getting tested day in and day out.. i love my faith in God which despite of the latter keeps on getting stronger..

Fate: if the worst is in my cards then so be it.. if this is what God wants then I accept it.. I just hope God forgives me for my weak moments when I cry and complain.. I do so because I'm scared of physical pain not because I object to what I'm going through.. it really really is very painful more than you can imagine :(

Beauty: Health is a beautiful thing that we ALL take for granted.. with the 16 years of migraines, PMDD, and other back problems I though I paid my dues to having bad health.. Never did I imagine it would reach this point! Ohh if that isn't enough my blood pressure started playing around with me, it's dropping every so often, the dizziness and headaches are killing me.. People I know and people I don't know showed me that they care for me and pray that I get well soon, there is no enough words to describe the beauty of such genuine wishes.. I wish there was a way I could repay each person that wished me well....

Life is mean yet filled with beauty..
Such is life.. ..


14 comments:

Chuckles ;* said...

7abeebtii;*..hve u tried seeing a sheikh it might be 7asad or something nothing medicine can cure but qur2an. keep ur faith in god, oo inshalla bt2omi bsalama xx

cat-eyezz said...

im gonna tell u something that sounds ridiculous walah adre.. trust me i know lani aslan ma7eb hal suwalef.. but it is true.. lana after i had a problem i tried it cos my cousin is a psychiatrist among other things w one of the women that works with him metkhasessa eb hal shay fa he convinced me to try.. wel 7emdelah it worked even tho my problem was no where NEAR urs.. *preparing to sound like a psycho* ako shay esma quantum touch physics basically it deals with energies.. w someone who's trained eb hal shay can basically take out all the negative energy in ur system with her hands (adre crazy) w she takes the 'good' energy w puts it back in ur body.. wel mara wayed mu7tarama and meltazma.. w this specific method is directed 7ag amrath or pains or ya3ne when something is wrong with the body, based on the fact ena el marath ma eyi min ayshay eyi min ta3ab nafsi w stress w chethe, and it manifests in ur body as a form of disease.. maybe thats why mu gadreen ylagoon shay lana its a result of that not something specifically wrong eb ur physique.. w ana akher wa7da asadeg hal suwalef lana i haate chethe asha2 i used to think ena shal tefelsef u know.. but i've seen it work on other ppl as well wa7da she had a portruding bone DRs galolha if we operate we might hurt the nerve.. w over 3-4 jalsat weya el mara the bone actually went down.. i know it sounds crazy bas consider it lana like i said etha mu gadreen ylagoon shay it could just be how ur body is dealing with ta3ab nafsi.. if u want any more info let me know.. ghair hatha alah ysahhel 3alaich weshafeech enshalah ra7 ad3eelech..

Anonymous said...

Cat...that sounds like Reiki, which kinda deals with the same thing, it's healing through energy. My friend is a Reiki Master here in Kuwait, her name is Leila Qabazard and she is amazing!! It really works!

FourMe said...

chuckles:
I swear I don't know what to do anymore or who to see..
==

cat-eyez:
not ridiculous. I've heard about it but didn't know anyone that tried it and vouched for it. At this rate I'm willing to try anything. Please do give me the contact details and when I'm back in Kuwait I'll try it. If medicine can't solve it then I'm willing to try anything else.. thank you dear

you can email them or leave them here..
fourme@hotmail.co.uk
==

anonymous:
Where can I contact Leila?

Anonymous said...

+965-66637567
+965-65070733

I hope you get well.
My love will always protect you.

You are one of the best women I have ever known.

cat-eyezz said...

eeh sa7 kalamech anon its a form of reiki, reiki deals with energies w that specific aspect of it deals with healing thru energies.. khalas fourme i'm really glad u'll give it a shot i really think it will help u.. i'll email u the info by tonight lana im in the states i just have to wait till tonight so i can talk to my mom wadezlech el info.. xx

Glitter said...

I want to help too ..
Please let me know if there is anything I can do..


(HUG)


You will be in my prayers tonight :*

FourMe said...

anonymous:
thank you.
you're too kind with your words..
==

cat:
take your time dear.. I won't be back for couple more weeks..
==

glitter:
thank u dear that's all that I need :*

doona said...

been tryina email you for a while bas the emails keep bouncing back :s

did u change ur email?

FourMe said...

doona:
no babe its the same.. i emailed u from gmail it said failed but hotmail i think gone through.. something wrong on your end i think..

Anonymous said...

She is at the Fawzia Sultan Clinic in Salmiya, Leila Gabazard, 97703666

super-sonic said...

you are amazing.

and this song played in my head after reading this post..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgoH-KvZB2U

super-sonic said...

there's more to life than trying to survive.

super-sonic said...

this one too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRCRs6fr8wE