I have a problem with showing weakness, being weak, and being around things that make me weak.. So for yours truly to admit this.. wellllllllllll it is just time to give up.. True I'm not an optimist and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I always put up a goddamn fight to reach the end of the tunnel.. Well not any bloody more.. I have given up.. Given up like you wouldn't believe.. I've let go and letting go of everything I ever wanted.. Including my feelings, which isn't so bad because nothing gets to you any more! I'm freaking empty..
Lately I've let go of everything.. But that's not all.. I'm letting go of one last thing.. One thing that I wanted the most out of this life.. Actually it is the ONLY thing I wanted.. It was my childhood dream my goal my aim.. Well fuck it.. The aim was to get a PhD before 30 so that didn't happen so I made myself a promise I'd get it before 35.. Not any more.. I'm letting go of that last dream.. I won't do it.. Having just the Masters isn't so bad.. No need for more... Officially that dream has been dropped.. (i just needed to state it in writing cuz it meant quite alot at one point)
You can say oh its just a rough patch and you'll get over it and all the related crap but trust me it isn't.. When you just get hit over and over by things that it changes you.. Completely and utterly changes you, you'll know what am talking about.. I'm not me any more.. I'm not in me any more.. I have become empty, shallow, and became every "ism" and "ness" in the book.. I feel nothing and I want nothing.. Truly you'll be shocked to what extent I've lost it all.. And I don't mind it as it makes it better to get hit by more of what life has to offer.. Ehh that is life..
p.s. to WhySoSerious: I've been blogging for over 2 years now and I have yet to post an optimistic post.. Don't hold your breath because you won't see it here :)