Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Hit Me

I have a problem with showing weakness, being weak, and being around things that make me weak.. So for yours truly to admit this.. wellllllllllll it is just time to give up.. True I'm not an optimist and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I always put up a goddamn fight to reach the end of the tunnel.. Well not any bloody more.. I have given up.. Given up like you wouldn't believe.. I've let go and letting go of everything I ever wanted.. Including my feelings, which isn't so bad because nothing gets to you any more! I'm freaking empty..

Lately I've let go of everything.. But that's not all.. I'm letting go of one last thing.. One thing that I wanted the most out of this life.. Actually it is the ONLY thing I wanted.. It was my childhood dream my goal my aim.. Well fuck it.. The aim was to get a PhD before 30 so that didn't happen so I made myself a promise I'd get it before 35.. Not any more.. I'm letting go of that last dream.. I won't do it.. Having just the Masters isn't so bad.. No need for more... Officially that dream has been dropped.. (i just needed to state it in writing cuz it meant quite alot at one point)

You can say oh its just a rough patch and you'll get over it and all the related crap but trust me it isn't.. When you just get hit over and over by things that it changes you.. Completely and utterly changes you, you'll know what am talking about.. I'm not me any more.. I'm not in me any more.. I have become empty, shallow, and became every "ism" and "ness" in the book.. I feel nothing and I want nothing.. Truly you'll be shocked to what extent I've lost it all.. And I don't mind it as it makes it better to get hit by more of what life has to offer.. Ehh that is life..

p.s. to WhySoSerious: I've been blogging for over 2 years now and I have yet to post an optimistic post.. Don't hold your breath because you won't see it here :)

10 comments:

FourMe said...

*reserved*

Errant said...

I feel you hun .. but you know what .. the sec you let everything go .. they come back chasing after you ..

Anony said...

Anony etgool dont be so obsessed :P
o ehya tabe takheth ghafwa tegra b3deen :P

bs laish u let go of phd ya3ni mafe time limit laha :P

WhySoSerious said...

so is it about :

Could you ease my pain and show me good things in my life ?


well, life is too short to live in anger.
I can't stand these negative vibes life is too short to live with danger , please god help her to survive .

I'm not sorry about you because i know you have everything except happiness because you don't want it maybe you are enjoying feeling the pain with full anger being insane.


P.S : About the dreams Without it Life is not what it seems .

Inshallah ma Toslen Mar7alat el Ente7ar :I

Don't hate me because I'm saying what I see , I'm not judging , it's just a point of view .

FourMe said...

errant:
i honestly don't give a damn anymore..
==

anony:
hehee :p

don't want it anymore..
==

wss:
you are BEYOND wrong and not seeing clearly.. and unfortunately you are judging me based on couple of posts you read.. I could explain how wrong you are but honestly I don't care how I am perceived by others..

and don't worry ana akhaf rabii so I'm no where near suicidal or have such thoughts..

Traveleer said...

if I didn't give then you must not. you have the ability you have the brain you have the means :) you can start with the first step towarda a PhD...what have you got to lose? its not like yo have kids to take of :P hehehe
you can decide on a general topic..read an article or 2.. you know how it goes.

you probably didnt want any solution or advice.. you just wanted to vent..then pretend you didnt read this :P
maybe the devils winning on Sunday could re-energize you ;)

1001Nights said...

Darling have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? Tara mafeeha shay oo moo 3aib. You're abroad where everything can be done discretely and I'm sure there's a lot of high caliber people there. Habeebty do something to help yourself, why settle in this sadness, wulla wulla life doesn't have to be like that. Even people living in miserable poverty can find happiness sometimes. Please do something to help yourself.

identity said...

I'm not gonna be like all the others and tell u do this and that ... U wrote this to vent and let it all out not to get any of our crap or advice so u won't get any from me ... But if u do ever want anything were here for you :D

serenade said...

when you give up and stop waiting or expecting things to happen,,, they do,, enjoy the emptiness while it lasts,, sometimes you need it ;)

Shalala said...

I have a confession.

Here is my confession...
I've lost hope too
and I am enthusiastic no more.

:) You think a therapist really can do something about it?
I don't!