Monday, 27 April 2009

Shutting Down

This is not gona be good.. I'm exhausted and its not one of those days where I'm in a crappy mood.. No this is how I truly and honestly feel.. I want to pick up and leave to a place where I know no one there.. I wanna move to a different country where I do not know a soul in it and start a new life.. I am literally shutting down from everything around me.. I can't be bothered for a thing.. People talk to me and I do not respond, they talk to me and all that is going on in my head is "stop talking to me, stop talking to me, stop talking to me" I'm shutting people out in a bad way.. I rarely answer my phone.. I forget to call people back or actually I just can't be bothered to call back.. Worst of all is I'm shutting my family out.. especially my mother and aunt.. They talk and talk and my head just goes blank.. even if its random talk I simply switch my brain off and not listen to a word in return they get upset and start with the "you have an attitude problem" talk.. I do not want to communicate with people anymore.. I do not have the head nor the brain for it!! The only people I'm probably talking to as if I'm perfectly fine are Anony and Soulo.. they don't really know me that well and I think that is why I am able to talk to them.. Especially Soulo I can bitch, complain, and open up to that girl more than any other person in my entire life!! I literally scream inside my head when people talk to me.. My facial expressions go blank when someone talks to me and if they don't get it that I really don't wanna hear it or talk about it I just snap at them.. I'm having the worse attitude problem on earth now..

The only thing that's always there for me is my faith.. I pray, I usually pray 6 or 7 times on any given day, with reciting Quran all day long, and reading it during the week.. I go to sleep and wake up mid sleep for fajir prayer, I pray and go back to sleep..Now I barely pray 5 times a day, always late and my concentration is zero.. I pray but I'm not there in my head I'm somewhere else.. I don't concentrate on what I'm saying.. I don't recite during the day anymore, I don't read anymore.. This morning I woke up looked at the time and said Please God forgive me I am too tired I don't want to pray! Shame on me.. And I went back to sleep.. Shame on me for behaving in such manner when God has gotten me out of a very tough situation recently! I feel so guilty.. Shame on me..

I am not interested in what people say! I don't want anyone to talk to me.. I wanna talk when I feel like talking otherwise I do not want to be talked to!! I want to be left with myself with my brain.. I need to get myself out of this but on my own terms in my own time.. I feel relaxed the most when I'm listening to music and when its on its highest volume to an extant that I can't hear myself think.. That is best when my brain is closed.. This is what happens when you keep things bottled up for twenty fucking seven years! You reach a point of shutting down.. That's why the second I see someone bothered or unhappy I wanna be the shoulder they cry on so they don't keep it bottled up.. I want to scream so freaking loud without having someone ask me what's wrong! I am out of words.. How can I tolerate people when I cannot tolerate prayers? May God forgive me for this.. But only he knows how I feel on the inside.. Its not one thing that has caused this but its a thousand things that have been bottled up over the years and just losing faith in people.. I am tired of people and the crap that comes along with them.. I am tired of dealing with them.. Thing is not many know that once I give up on someone I REALLY give up on them! Without prior notice I shut them out of my life.. I am sleep deprived yet I go to bed earlier than usual every night just because I want the day to end.. so the next day comes along and I get to sleep early and finish it off.. I have decided to put off studying for another year.. I can't entertain the idea let alone do something about it.. Work.. Well I can't even think about that now.. I don't want to get into something that I don't enjoy because I will end up dropping it in a split second! I am not looking for pity or compassion nor a shoulder to cry on.. I do not want to talk about it that is the point.. But if I do not say it I will lose my temper and probably take it out on my mother because she is the closest person to me and I'm already treading on thin ice there.. Word to the wise, never keep things bottled up.. talk about what ever it is that's bothering you so you don't reach this point.. Trust me its ugly.. so very ugly.. Fine.. Suck it up FourMe, get off your ass and pretend its all dandy.. I wish I can disappear...............

System Shutdown..