I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail. I Am Going to FaiL..
Once again I have lost the will to study. Once again I have lost the ability to think. Once again I am at this point again! I am terrified of failing and it seems like I will. I cannot think, I cannot get in the right state of mind to enable me to think from an academic perspective. I will fail. I know I will. I don't want to fail. This degree means the world to me. It is the next step towards my childhood dream. If I ever finish it I will be one step closer to that dream that I had when I was a little girl. I will fail and that dream will be shattered. I want to achieve this so badly but I cannot, I am unable to do so. I want it, I want this degree so much! I worked so hard to achieve it and at the last point of it I have fallen to pieces, to shattered pieces, to pieces that cannot be put back together.
This is my final piece, it is the piece that will have my name written across it. A piece that will earn me a title that I have been longing for. It should be my master piece, the best piece written so far in my academic journey. A piece that shows my knowledge, my compassion for this field, a piece that shows my understanding and ability to see matters from different perspectives, a piece that defines me intellectually. A piece written with precision, with wisdom, with knowledge, with an artistic yet mature skills.
I have a strong passion towards academia. I find joy in learning, I may sound like a book worm or a nerd but even though I find it pleasurable. The ability to learn is a magnificent thing. I am lost for words, every time I see my books and notes and feel that pressing urge to finish my thesis I feel sick to my stomach; literally sick. I cannot sit myself down and write even though I miss that feeling I get when I am writing; a million thoughts dying to get out of my brain and splash onto paper, thoughts that I thought I was unable to think of. Thoughts and words that keep on impressing my professors, those words put together that have earned me such distinguished grades. I want those thoughts back I want to be able to write. I miss writing academically, I miss wrestling with my thoughts to achieve the perfect cluster of words that transform into accurate sentences that get praised by an elite of academics who have the upper hand.
Yet I cannot get into the right frame of mind, I cannot produce one accurate sentence, I cannot do it, I cannot finish it. My piece, my final piece. It is my final piece that I am failing to complete. It is incomplete..