Thursday, 26 June 2008

My Master Piece



I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail. I Am Going to FaiL..

Once again I have lost the will to study. Once again I have lost the ability to think. Once again I am at this point again! I am terrified of failing and it seems like I will. I cannot think, I cannot get in the right state of mind to enable me to think from an academic perspective. I will fail. I know I will. I don't want to fail. This degree means the world to me. It is the next step towards my childhood dream. If I ever finish it I will be one step closer to that dream that I had when I was a little girl. I will fail and that dream will be shattered. I want to achieve this so badly but I cannot, I am unable to do so. I want it, I want this degree so much! I worked so hard to achieve it and at the last point of it I have fallen to pieces, to shattered pieces, to pieces that cannot be put back together.

This is my final piece, it is the piece that will have my name written across it. A piece that will earn me a title that I have been longing for. It should be my master piece, the best piece written so far in my academic journey. A piece that shows my knowledge, my compassion for this field, a piece that shows my understanding and ability to see matters from different perspectives, a piece that defines me intellectually. A piece written with precision, with wisdom, with knowledge, with an artistic yet mature skills.

I have a strong passion towards academia. I find joy in learning, I may sound like a book worm or a nerd but even though I find it pleasurable. The ability to learn is a magnificent thing. I am lost for words, every time I see my books and notes and feel that pressing urge to finish my thesis I feel sick to my stomach; literally sick. I cannot sit myself down and write even though I miss that feeling I get when I am writing; a million thoughts dying to get out of my brain and splash onto paper, thoughts that I thought I was unable to think of. Thoughts and words that keep on impressing my professors, those words put together that have earned me such distinguished grades. I want those thoughts back I want to be able to write. I miss writing academically, I miss wrestling with my thoughts to achieve the perfect cluster of words that transform into accurate sentences that get praised by an elite of academics who have the upper hand.

Yet I cannot get into the right frame of mind, I cannot produce one accurate sentence, I cannot do it, I cannot finish it. My piece, my final piece. It is my final piece that I am failing to complete. It is incomplete..

30 comments:

fashionista said...

These words describe me exactly, especially the way I felt 3 weeks ago!!

Ms. D said...

*slaps fourme senselessly*

thats cuz ur thin ;p

la walla....

listen... u can do it.. ur doin it aslan.. ur just tired.. it will b done and ull make us wish u never did it min kither ma inty miftakhra eb nafsech..

yalla khalsay 3ashan we never hear the end of it ;p

Âme said...

You need to talk and discuss your project with people to have a good conversation and idea pouring.

When i wrote my Phd thesis on "Applications of Bio-Organic substances for VVLSI designs and Nano-Electronics", I talked to my mother, my friends, students, wrote on forums, emailed people.

All helped me produce ideas.
Some conversations were so out of the box, that a glimpse of a brilliant idea is caught.

My mother suggested some vague observation that certain fruits and vegetables increase activity in the brain.

=> Neuron activity and electrical conductance. I got a bio-polymer designed in a year and got an NMR analysis on that and voila.. i hit my jackpot.

It was a tough journey afterwards, however, the idea is to explain that passion never dies.
You got it.
I am confident you will make it, apart from all the odds and obstacles your mind presents you with.

Why not take the first step and write about your thesis on the blog.

We shall discuss.

What do you bloggers think, eh ?
Lets help our charming little girl with some ideas :)

~ Soul

ZaMaHReeR said...

i second ame :)
we shall help u if we can, who knows some of us might have a good idea that may help u complete your master piece..
Relax and Focus FourMe and u will reach what u want.. believe in yourself.. if you weren't good enough you weren't reach the place u are in now.. and who done what you are wanna do are not better than u in any way...
u can do it girl..
think of Man.U. in the champion chip final they defeated Bayren in 2 minutes.. u can do it to don't loss faith :P

ZaMaHReeR said...

u can do it too, don't lose faith****
spelling mistake :D

Fashionated said...

u r not going to fail..repeat 3 times, go for a walk, have a cup of coffee and something to eat and write...write anything that comes into your head don't think about it just let the words flow and then go back and fix it..u r NOT going to fail..whats ur topic? we might be able to brainstorm with u

ĐǻñĎõøðñ said...

sweetie ur probably just frustrated...everyoe gets like this when theyre towards the end...i remember how iwas with my finals this year when i got to the point thinking i dont give a crap anymore

all you need to do is take a nice long break and disconnect yourself from the real world shwaya...get a massage or try reflexology, i promise it will do you alot of good :)

o just hang in there..it will be over soon enough my dear :)

Big Pearls said...

it is just a dream....wake up

Anonymous said...

you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail
you will not fail

YOU WILL NOT FAIL

you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it
you can do it

YOU WILL DO IT

Amethyst said...

You'll snap out of it soon..

FourMe said...

Thank you everyone, you all are very kind :)

Its not like I haven't started it, I'm almost half done. Its 9 chapters, I finished 2 chapters (the core of the thesis) and an other 2 chapters almost done just need theory to be applied to them, what's left is 5 chapters, 2 are the introduction and conclusion which I'll do at the end.

But at this point I cannot do anything plus I'm terrified that what I've already written is not good enough and it should be way better :(

Anonymous said...

enshallah its gona be perfect :D

ente rakze bs o enshallah te6la3 methel ma atbeen o a7san

Âme said...

Email it for proof reading to those, whom you think would suggest sensibly after proof reading.

Many of us would be of good help there.

~ Soul

FourMe said...

Anony:
Alah yesma3 minich inshala it'll be good :/
==

Ame:
Criticism petrifies me :/ It makes me feel I am not good enough (screwed up personality what can I say). But I know sooner or later I need to have it proof read.

Only if you promise to be gentle and not compare my work to the work of a 5 year old. Promise?

Âme said...

I promise.

~ Soul

P.S: I didn't know about that of you. (Criticism part)

FourMe said...

What can I say I have my flaws :/

Âme said...

I say its good communication.

Its better to say and make it clear than to keep the person guessing or otherwise too.

We all got flaws :)

~ Soul

FourMe said...

that's the thing I don't like people knowing much about me but I guess all is exposed here.

received?

Âme said...

Got it.

~ Soul

iRise said...

YOU WILL NOT FAIL!!! You have made it this far...

We all feel this way sometimes... maybe because it's been dragging for so long. You need a change of environment. Take a few days off to relax and free your mind of thoughts and worries and THEN pick a place that stimulates you. The beach... a coffee shop... and do your work there.

Good luck!

FourMe said...

Ame:
Awaiting the verdict..
*goes and hides under the table*
==

irise:
So true its been dragging for agessss.. I've taken months and months to relax and still not helping. I can only work in complete and utter silence or else I wouldn't be able to hear myself.

thank you dear :)

Oranjina fadidra said...

don't snap maybe you'll be ok like that...

Silver said...

the piece u just wrote was excellent..maybe u just need time to relaxe, clear ur head, be in ur comfort zone, then ur familiar brilliant side will appear again;p u have it in u u know that..it'll all cum to u inshalla..

Soul said...

RAKZAAAAAAAAAAAY

abi 7achi 7achi ye6laaaa3 o tefelsef o cleverness o aham shay el core eykoon 9a7! 6al3ay mawahbich bel kalam sis i know u can do it!!!

GOOD LUCK :***

Squirreliya said...

ta3awithaaay mn ebleees ..sure u'll pass, u r doing a great job mashAllah ..tefa2ilaaay and good luck ;*

yallah a7iss weddi abariklich mn al7een for it yseer? :p

Âme said...

There are some minor issues to be sorted out.

And one major issue, where the first preposition of justification fails, in one of the approaches.

Will email.

Rest, is great.

~ Soul

Soul said...

if u finish ur master o neja7tay, i'm gonna throw u a blogger party ok!!! and there will be invitaions!!!

so, work ur @$$ out miss or no party FourYou!!

eshda3wa said...

four me
the one piece of advice is just START

u might not create a master piece but your gonna create an outline for a piece that can be mastered!

you wont fail.
u dont even need to force urself to focus.
once you start
things will naturally flow!

Essa A. said...

just try to stop go out have fun enjoy ur time , and get on track again

FourMe said...

ame:

:/

==

soul:
hahaha cool :P