Saturday, 28 June 2008

Lady Spinster - II

Welcome to my Spinsterhood!
Update Below:

Can't be bothered to link Part I. If you want to read it go look for it in previous posts yourself..


Since a young age I never believed in the importance of having a man in my life. Within my family I was and still am the dependant one and the one that people can rely on for what ever matter. They know I can handle and deal with whatever situation thrown at me.

I believe that is why I don't see the importance of marriage. Of course there are many variables of it that should be taken into consideration. But in general I don't believe that it is a must.

Honestly I don't know how I can make you understand how it works and makes sense in my mind. I'll try and put it through as much as I can. There are 2 main factors in marriage as I see it. One is the bonding and having a person there for you 'till death do you apart' and sharing life with each other. Second is the sexual factor and the ability to build a family and have children.

The Aunts believe I have a fear of being committed to one person for the rest of my life. I have no problems with commitment I can be as committed as one can get. I am beyond faithful when I'm with someone to the extant that I don't even allow my brain to have thoughts of others, even if its just a person passing by on the street.

I know I have a complicated mentality, my beliefs and values stick with me till the grave and I won't change them. Not because I'm stubborn (which I am) but when I believe something is right then it is RIGHT even if I'm proven wrong, as long as it makes sense up there then that's all I need, I don't need it to be validated by any other being. This is one thing that I am not willing to compromise. In all the time I spent being in relationships no one managed to understand this thing except the 'soulmate'. We had an understanding to agree on disagreeing. All the others tried to 'change' me. I know there is a possibility of me finding someone that can have the same understanding as the soulmate did but honestly I am not willing to try and find that person.

I would NEVER NEVER NEVER have an arranged marriage for couple of reasons. First is the understanding and the compatibility. I will NOT spend time with a person that allowed himself to get married to a complete stranger. If a person has such mentality then definitely we will not click. Yes I know that's what engagements are for and 'time to get to know one other' is for but I simply refuse the whole concept of it.

I believe if you haven't tried something then you can never miss it. One of the arguments that many have tried to convince me with is that "Don't you want to get laid?" (Forgive the bluntness). Now I really can't miss something that I haven't experienced. Fair enough it is an important factor but it is one that I have lived without and quite positive can live without it for many years to come.

Back to the arranged marriage, I can NEVER NEVER allow a person that is a total stranger to me to touch me. Just because a piece of paper says that it binds us together it does not give him the right to do so in my mind. Some say that I must be frigid to have such mentality, while others tell me that with 'the 3eshra' you would ease into it. Sorry won't do and would never even consider the thought.

Now my latest objection to marriage is that I am still in love with the 'soulmate'. And this has become a new obstacle in this matter because I would never be able to sleep next to one man while having an other on my mind. It is quite hypocritical to do so and on offence to those who have done so, but I would never be able to. I consider it a form of cheating on the newly acquired husband.

Stay Tuned..

p.s. If the post sounds incoherent that is because I am not feeling well at all..

Note: I am not trying to convince anyone with my views. This is how I perceive the matter plus there is the 3rd part and the most crucial to understanding why I don't want to get married. I am not trying to convince anyone with what I believe and I said it over and over again that this is how I see it and believe it. Just to make it clear if it was stated in Islam that I MUST get married and it is put in the words that I MUST then I would probably will. There is no where as far as I know in the Quran that it says that if you don't get married it is considered a sin. So I would appreciate people understanding that I am not showing the pro's and con's here I'm simply putting through my view of it. Didn't I tell you most of you would see my justification of the matter as not acceptable :)

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

matshofeen shar

let me read :P

Soul said...

awal shay sorry u missed ur thursday, bas nothing interesting happened so sleeping was better 4 u. and if u still have this then i say go for the operation and take ur chances!

thani shay, I totally understood what u said specialy the sleeping with a stranger part! I think u need love! marriage for u is LOVE and Soulmates bond.. u want to connect with a soul u desire, not just a body with a mustach. So I'm hoping that u get what u wish for and find ur master piece. whether it's ur X soulmate, or a new hidden one.

Anonymous said...

hello again ..

1. i totally agree with ur reasons for marriage .. its not about relying on something kether ma having someone to share ur life with.

2. arranged marriage, i dont get the concept too! how can i spent my life with someone i knew for couple of months! .. if he showed an interest in me .. i'll at least give it a year to get to know him.

3. lool @ getting laid ;p
i really believe making love should be with someone MY HEART DESIRE!.. not for the sake of sex!

4. UR SO RIGHT 3ala ur last objection! .. aslan its not fair for the guy .. to get involve with him while someone else in ur heart! .. aslan hatha aham sebaab! out of all ur reasons on why u reject elmafroth hatha akthar wa7ed yaqne3hom!

o bs


la7tha .. arrange marriages .. u mean ena yakh6eb (he only know u by name) o yetzawejon eshahar eli wara .. or kha6aab .. o he get to know u .. ba3deen etha sar shay sar shay .. etha masar ma3a el salama ..

cause i know ppl elyom ekh6ebat o ba3ad shahar tezawejat o she barely knows his name !! o fe nas kha6ab .. they stayed almost a year to get to know each other..

i think the 2nd one shway ma3qola .. bs etha kha6ab o eshahr eli wara tezawejaw . ITS INSANE!

ZaMaHReeR said...

first of all .. salamat oo ma tshofeen shar inshallah
ama ba3d, GO GIRL.. i agree with you again.
washokran :P

Ruby Woo said...

I totally agree. Arranged marriages are nonsense. Ok they work at times but deep down I can never picture myself traditionally married you know?
Marriage isn't a life necessity. It's just there for you to choose if you want in or out!
Remaining single is not the end of the world.

Delicately Realistic said...

I always have a different excuse everytime.

FourMe said...

Anony:
Shar ma yeech hun :*

I mean all forms of arranged marriages. I don't like the concept of someone wanting me without knowing me and just because his mom or sis or whoever "Recommended" me and he came and proposed. 7ata law I was given the option of a long engagement I would still refuse it.

Sex is damn important but what is a girl to do! :/ I ain't getting married just to get laid. If I may add there are ALOT of girls who do so!!

Anony do you really think I'm going to tell my mother and aunts that I don't want to get married because of my soulmate?! gelna 3ad open minded bs jad I don't have the guts to tell my 55 year old aunt that! 7ada fashlaa, I still turn into a little girl when the topic of men rises while I'm sitting with them .. yakhtich lal7eeny 7ayaweya :p
==

Soul:
I didn't sleep! eho tha3 ebroo7a :/ I don't want to do the operation bs la sma7a allah eyrid thak elalam then its an option.

hahaha after all I've been through you think I need love!! NO and HELL NO! So no second chances of love and crap. mako sold out, gafalna, ba6alnaa, mafeeesh so in a way that shuts and seals the door permanently on marriage.
==

zamahreer:
eysalmik dear .. heheh thanx buddie .. nashkorom 3ala ta3wnakom ma3ana :p
==

Woo woo:
They work for people who are getting married for the sake of getting married and having that life. Exactly I don't believe it is a must, I believe one can survive and live without it..
Viva La SingleHOOD ;)
==

Del Real:
Join the club dear :D

sourire said...

"Just because a piece of paper says that it binds us together it does not give him the right to do so in my mind."

haha DITTO.

You took the words right out of my mouth :)

I def. won't allow myself get married to a total stranger. & by a piece of paper to bond us? Hell no.

ĐǻñĎõøðñ said...

omg omg omg!!

i think i have JUST found my long lost identical twin!!

how can you put everything i wanna say in exactly the words i wanna say it in??

freaky!!

im officially in love with you. you are now my favorite peron in the whole wide world! :D:D

FourMe said...

sourire:
yaay so I'm not the only weirdo around :p I can't do it my god just thinking of it makes feel so blekh :/
==

dandooon:
hehhehehehe I always wanted a twin.. ee mo bs Anony 3indaha twina 7ata ana 3indy ba3ad :p

7asha 9ert Guru FourMe 3ala chethy etha I'm speaking the minds of all of ya youngsters out there :P LOOL love ya too deary :)

Squirreliya said...

i agree with u 7ata el nokha3 ..i don't want to get married too ..mako a7la mn el3zoobeya w elfreedom ;$

Essa A. said...

SALAAAMAT yal ghaaale salamat

Ms. D said...

7en ye6la3 lich the commenter "J." to tell u think about shy besides men and marriage ;p

tekalemy 3an shy thany

3an eljaw mathalan aw 3n el shoeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss

Harlow said...

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon.

About arranged marriage. I'm against it as well 'cause ma it3arfeen shay 3anah kilish w no3ah bs ay a7ad ye7awil ye5arib 3alaich wela min fa3laat hal 5air eli lw Allah yefekna menhom chan a7na ib 5air, yesma3ha w tetfarkash il salfa, I know 9ayra pessimist bs 9ij it happens a lot.

Inshallah you find the right one soon.

Âme said...

Marriage is important for many practical reasons.

They are comprehensive and i can list down atleast 10 practical important reasons why marriage is really crucial.

However, everyone has their reasons, so, would leave the judgment to individuals.

..

About arranged marriages, I wouldnt support them, however, they have some really strong points which leads to an almost successful marriage.

Choosing a partner needs maturity in understanding assumptions before marriage and after marriage.

Roles change after marriage, w.r.t the society as well as family wise.

Things needs little tuning after marriage. Common sense suggests so.
Assumptions are killers. Need to take care of them.

...

About Soulmate, you can never get over your love for him.

Guessing by what you said about faithfulness, you have already given yourself to him.

No other man would replace that in a true sense.

However, you may get married and other man would be in your life, but that love would linger.

Its not hypocrisy, but its practicality.

If you get married to any other man than soulmate, better tell him about your love for soulmate.
(I am guessing that he would be understanding, otherwise he doesnt deserve the position of a husband to you)

I wish the best for you.
It would be best if you are with Soulmate.

I will pray for you.

~ Soul

Amethyst said...

My mentality is complicated, too. I refuse to compromise my individuality, and that's a big part of the reason of not being with anyone.

Âme said...

Amethyst:
I say its foolishness.

Is individuality compromised if married ?

Why people don't channelize their thinking positively?

If not one well, there are million other wells.

~ Soul

Oranjina fadidra said...

why can't you have your "soulmate?" shnu hal soulmate ele you can't be over w/?

FourMe said...

squirreliya:
Its not about being single and having freedom, I've always had my freedom and a one point of my life lived alone. Its about marriage not being for me.. It might suit other ppl but it doesn't suit me.
==

essa:
Eysalmik dear..
==

ms d:
mafahamt :/
hahahha esh'hal shoe fetish ely 3indich :p inshalaa min 3anoony I'll post about shoes. O 3ashanich entay bs I'll post something special about shoes ;) bs etha nesait thakreny.
==

harlow:
thank you dear *hugs*.
I am Queen Pessimism :)
I know I have heard the endless stories.. I don't accept the arrange marriage idea at ALL.

FourMe said...

Ame/soul:
Screw practicality, you're talking about entering a binding commiment with a person for supposdly the rest of your life! Going into it because of practical reasons is just wrong. Fine the practical reasons are what Soul Portrait mentioned in her post. Children and growing old with someone. How can one chose to commit to a life commitment just because it makes sense and not because its heart felt! Maybe I'm a tad to emotional or whatever they call it that's why I believe that NO one should get married because its practical. Ame come on you are not committing to a business deal its flipping marriage , the person that you are going to wake up next to everyday for god knows how long!

That's if they were chosing their partner based on the partners mentality NOT their family name, social upbringing, and their bank accounts!

I am not arguing with the tuning part because even in relationships a person needs to adjust slightly to the other person and vice versa.

Hahah you gotta be kidding me! Show me one Arabic man that will accept the fact that his wife-to-be is head over heels over another man and he still accepts it and doesn't mind being the 2nd man in her life! Hell if it was me I wouldn't accept being with a man knowing he once had a soulmate and is still in love with her!

Thank you dear.. find me a new soulmate and I'm up for the job..
==

amethyst:
Comprmises must be done but on little things not on changing a persons mentality and forming it into a new one that suits the suitor.
==

Oran Fad:
I can be without him and as you see I am. But its simply not wanting to find an alternative because I can't be bothered anymore..

Âme said...

Fourme:
I agree it would be a life time commitment and its not going to that bad a scenario, that it would be like hell.

If one's choice is approximately ok, about the basic characteristics of a good husband/wife, its still a better choice than not getting married.

Heartfelt is good, but you gotta live with practicality daily staring into your face.

How much ever you try to dodge it, it will be there right infront of your face.

Love grows with time, understanding and sacrifices.

We put our loved ones ahead of us and sacrifice our best for theirs.

I am not denying the fact that a good choice needs to be made and it should be heartfelt.

Theres a saying, "Do not try to change your loved one, it would be a disaster"

Try to see out of the Arab community and observe.

I have seen amazing couples with huge differences living life happily.

We only live once and definitely i wouldnt want myself to mess with natural processes.

We have our free will and choices can be made inside the box or outside the box.

Life need not have to be perfect, it may be really suffice to be almost happy.

~ Soul

eshda3wa said...

r u kidding
i totally agree with u

to me mariage is an accessory

say my life was a living room, I would be the sofa, the center peice of it, and marriage would be the lamp on the table.
pretty, makes things brighter, bs moo lazim

fashionista said...

MATSHOFIN SHAR HUN ;***

and i totally agree with you esp about sleeping with a stranger and allowing him to touch me!!!

Cocoamour said...

First of all .. I hope you feel better ..

Second of all .. I totally agree with your post .. Alot of girls think its the end of the world f they don't get married .. However I don't ..Their are many opportunities when your single you can do that married women can't .. I understand all the romance is amazing .. (or so they tell me) but once the children pop its kind of hard to live in this lovey dovy world ..

And on the point of arranged marriages I totally agree with you .. Think of it on a much smaller scale .. Would you want someone to force a person to be your best friend .. a person you dont know that will probably end up knowing everything personal about you .. For all you know the person can turn out pyscho .. I believe in freedom of choice .. And think I have the right to choose the person I'm gona spend my life with ..

Sorry for the really long post ..;S

sourire said...

i miss you already! update us!:)

Game Over said...

Though I do disagree with. I totally understand your point of view and respect it.. so my upcoming opinion is nothing personal against you or your believes, were just too different human beings with different perspectives.. and that is totally fine :)

I've never had prblems with arranged marriages, am way too young to think about that -19 yrs-

and i still have tons of things to do, but the concept of love marriage was only introduced during the last century* so for the past 19 centuries, arranged marrieges seemed to do the society pretty well
considering that the divorce rate became much more higher during this century ....

*( that doesn't mean that back in the old days peope didn't get marry because of love but it wasn't as popular as it is now)

Âme said...

Game Over:
Your view has to be supported taking into consideration, 'the changes' which took place in recent centuries.

All of it cannot be overlooked.

20 centuries as you put it are NOT the same, to base love and arranged marriages on them.

However, with change in time, communication, knowledge and interaction with different levels have evolved.

The pace at which we are going is quite too fast, for arranged marriages to be as successful, as they did in the past centuries, before globalization, industrialization and all that rapid life movements.

The tolerance limit of understanding has on an average come down in relationships.

The environment has evolved, and our moral set and understanding needs to be modified retaining their core values, but honed to suit the current environment.

~ Soul

P.S: By environment, i mean the World around us.

Game Over said...

soul:

I am very aware of all the changes that took place during the last decades..
both sexes are now open, able to communicate with each other..a lot of options are available now

women became equal to men- in some societies-
but all of us humans still have the basic same desires, same feelings, the mentality has changed a lot but feelings and emotions are the same
for example
anger still provokes the same action it did 50 years ago

at the end it's the couple that can make the relationship work, not the environment
wether we are living in the 1800s or today, out commitment to the marriage weighs more than the role of environment

during the engagment period, one could know if it's gonna work out or not

now am not telling you-or any body else- how you're supposed to live your life. it just my opinion


p.s: my comment was not intended to start a huge debate about marriage. It was written as a response to the post which was published in this blog. everyone who haven't got the ability to understand and respect my opinion can pretend that they never read it..

Âme said...

Game Over:

Before i could comment on anything, lets be clear of blogging and commenting.

Any views presented is openly published for the general viewers/public.

Its on a floor where everyone walks.

So, even if a disclaimer is put up, its not exactly the same as printed material.
Expect response for your comments.

...

Coming to the point of your comment...
All couples are individuals.
All individuals are affected by the environment around them.

I am living in 2008 and cannot go out and barter my vegetables of my garden for a bag of rice every month. It would be possible, but i can easily go out for work and earn money and get vegetables and rice by paying.

So, the idea is we are all affected by the environment.

~ Soul

P.S: Just a clarification, your response is respected, otherwise it would have been ignored.

ZaMaHReeR said...

Where are you..
hope that everything is fine with you...
only one excuse will be taken, if you were studying then its ok. take all the time you need :)

Squirreliya said...

p.s: you are mentioned in my last post "Peace".

Game Over said...

mr./ms. soul
if you wish to continue your debate, you can do it somewhere else other than this blog as a courtesy to fourme..

though i know there is no use of debating, you have your believes and i have mine. the only way to end this is to respect each other opinions- a cencept that you don't understand yet!-
now i have the complete right to ignore your comments on this blog because ,as i saed earlier, my response was to the post under the name lady spinster , I've never wanted to make a fuss...

Âme said...

Do people really try to understand ?

I doubt !!

~ Soul

zwena said...

WEENKOM

whats with ppl and disapearning ;(

ta3alay r u well?? chena kentay mrethena shway

PaLoMiNo said...

SO TRUE!!!!!

I support everything u said, especially about each one of us having a soul mate but I dont agree with 1 part ;p

The part about living without getting laid!!!!!!!!!!!

C'moooooooon Girl!!!!!!
wahahahahhaa

U have to do it! shofeelich 6areqa ;p

hehehehe ok plz mo t7thfoon 3aly 6omaa6 el7een ;p

ba3d hatha il sj!!!!

My deadlin is 30 years old!! If I turn 30 and not married yet, i'm getting laid! kaifkom ;p

hmmmm... I wonder who will be the lucky guy 7azt-ha whahahahawhaahaha ;Pp

Silver said...

ur post makes perfect sense, bs u never know, ur views may change;/

btw matshofen shar? o wainich u've been gone for ever!!

Anonymous said...

Thank heavens for having someone who feels the same way, I do not oppose arranged marriage; however it does not suit me. I mean mummy's boy doesn't let his mom, aunt, friends pick his car, watch, computer, yet he trusts her with selecting the person he's supposed to spend his life with?!! Mummy's boy lacks the personality I look for in a partner. For anyone who sticks her nose in my personal business gets the same agenda I have been feeding nosey people since I was nine (yes, that young) marriage isn't for everybody, a spouse will not complete my life, improve it's quality or make me happier. I oppose having governments control its population with a piece of paper.

FourMe said...

Anonymous:
I couldn't agree with you more..

I'm against arranged marriages because I feel they portray women as a commodity, the groom is the buyer and the parents are the suppliers/sellers.. If the boy chooses everything in his life then why let the most important choice of all be taken by someone else!

Anonymous said...

Exactly- I have always made a point of telling my mother that I am not a commodity, not a thing that can be dressed up and passed around or appraisal… don't get me started on aholes who want a good looking wifey (while I am aging like fine wine but please) I loath people who judge you by your looks instead of integrity & character.