Wednesday, 2 April 2008

In need of a shoulder to cry on..

Four days ago I felt happy and calm and it lasted for 2 days. I was able to study, to socialize with friends, to go out ( I was normal for the first time in such a long time). Pmdd started and all of that disappeared, I felt I was fine, I finally understood that life goes on and we're just not meant to be together.

My god I'm so tired mentally, physically and everything else that comes with it. I'm writing this to comfort myself not looking for sympathy nor compassion. I'm not positive but quite sure about 4 people that know the real me are reading this blog, but I don't care anymore. I don't think they have the right to read it but honestly I don't give a damn. I just need to talk. I wish to god he would call without talking about anything just asks me to talk and says "I'm listening what's bothering you". He was the only one that I used to tell him what really bothers me, maybe I didn't open up to him as much as he wanted but I opened up to him and told him what's bothering me more than any person in the world.

There are million and one things I want to talk about but I just can't, everything around me seems to be in a chaotic state, problems are hitting from every side but I just don't care any more I can't handle my problems and the problems of family and friends all at once. For once in my life I'm thinking only about myself and no one else. I feel so wrong to do so but since I was a child I was always affected by others problems and felt as if they were my own. I think I have become selfish now, such a harsh word but I can't take everything at once, its my time to not care about others. Ofcourse I still love everyone around me the same and would give my life to each but I can't handle their burdens at the time being.

He was my best friend more than my soulmate and loved one. I think that is why I'm taking it in such a difficult way, I don't have that someone that one goes to in time of need. After each prayer I hope that god makes it easier for me to forget him and at the same time to bring us closer together (maybe its wrong for me to pray for such thing but god knows that my intentions are pure and caused by unconditional love, may god forgive me for asking such thing) it was the first time that I prayed to god to grant him happiness and steer him away from harms way and sins and grant him a happy life with whom ever he chooses.

I don't want to be happy or have a dandy life all I want is to be fine, I just want to be able to function and resume life. I haven't slept one good nights sleep in over 8 or 9 months, I want to be able to put my head on the pillow and sleep like a child without a worry in the world. Probably I'm asking for too much and no one is happy in their life and my life is so much better then so many others yet I am a human being and I'm being selfish again. I'm not perfect, I have many flaws and imperfections and I'm so complicated I have too many values and morals, my dignity prevents me from being 'normal' I'm rational and seek perfection. You weren't perfect but you were the closest thing to being perfect in my eyes, I loved your flaws, idiotic thoughts and silly sense of humour, and the way you made me feel. Even when I'm talking about myself I end up talking about you! It may seem pathetic to who ever is reading this but honestly I don't care.

Every time I'm asked how am I doing I reply by good or fine, I'm not fine nor good nor Ok. I'm tired beyond anyone's comprehension. At this point I will probably wake up tomorrow and delete this post as I have a tendency to do so but I can't act here too for god's sake I need somewhere to talk..